Thursday, December 29, 2011

still losing

Morning weight: 118.6

I lost 1.2 lbs overnight?! I was so shocked when I saw this number because I thought I didn't have the best day yesterday. But the body works in mysterious ways so maybe the loss had something to do with me de-stressing a bit. I spent most of the my afternoon/night with my family, including the ones who are visiting out of town and are leaving tomorrow. We ended up having a nice home cooked meal at my parents' house. I was really nervous to eat there because I wasn't sure I would be able to control myself and I had no idea what was going to be served. My mom cooked baked haddock and rice pilaf with some other side dishes. I stuck with the fish and had the smallest serving of rice, which was good because when I later looked up the calorie amount of rice pilaf I found out that 1/3 of a cup is anywhere from 150-270 calories. Wow. I had some thin almond cookies with tea after dinner then called it a night. Even though I swapped out some of my usual foods so I could eat dinner with my family I still went over my 500-700 budget. I guess taking a bit of a diet "break" and getting 8 solid hours of sleep helped me go down on the scale.

I want to say THANK YOU to you girls for your comments yesterday. I read them before I went to bed last night and that absolutely made my day!! You girls are the sweetest and I really do trust your opinions so hearing those words has made me a whole lot less anxious about the whole thing. Thank you, thank you, thank you again for your supportive and encouraging words!

Reading your comments and seeing a 1.2 loss on the scale has made me super motivated for today. It's my last full day to Do Work before I head off for my NYE weekend. I have a lot of errands to get done but my afternoon/night is wide open so I should be able to do that AND hit the gym for a couple of hours. Lots of cardio and some weights.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

dress concerns

I'm getting really nervous about my NYE dress. I love it but it's really tight and on the short side. I bought a pair of shapers and I honestly don't think they make much of a difference. I have a small stomach pooch and I'm convinced the shapers make it more pronounce. I'm going to have to do another comparison tonight. I'm seriously thinking of running over the the mall tomorrow to see if I can find another dress. I'm really picky and time's running out so I'm nervous I won't find anything. I do have another dress that I have as a backup but I really don't want to wear it because I've already worn it several times and I wanted to wear something new for NYE. I'm posting a picture of my dress below. Please tell me what you think and if you can see my stomach pooch that I'm talking about. I thought I would be able to look leaner and thinner if I worked hard enough this week but with only a two days left I'm not so sure I can do it.

(photo removed)

breaking 120

Morning weight: 119.8

I broke the 120's!! I was so happy to see this number on the scale this morning. I know it's not a low number but for me it's sort of exciting because I was in the 120's for a while. Yesterday was good. I decided to just focus on getting back on track with my eating and exercise. I was really strict with my cal intake and ate mostly protein-rich healthy foods and very low fats and carbs. All in all I kept it in the 500-700 calorie range. After work I hit the gym and did 30 minutes of weights for arms/shoulders/chest/back, 10 minutes of sprinting/jogging on the treadmill, and 60 minutes of elliptical. I felt really good and was happy I was able to get in so much gym time. When I woke up this morning I knew I must have lost but I didn't actually *feel* much lighter. I still see a stomach pooch and flabby arms. After work today I think I'm going to buy a body shaper/Spanx just in case for NYE.

Today could be tricky. There are several things I want to do after work: gym, shopping, and visit my family. I feel so selfish but I'm scared to spend so much time with my family because I tend to go off my diet when I'm around them. I don't think I can do all three things. I HAVE to go shopping/run errands before I leave on Friday and I NEED to spend more time with my family because they're leaving on Friday as well and I won't see them for months. So I think I may replace gym time with shopping and just try to get in a lot of walking time while doing that. I really don't like when I feel like I don't have control over my time and my routine but what can you do. I will just have to be strong when I visit my family. More likely than not we're going to have dinner together which means I don't be able to eat my regular low-calorie dinner of chicken and veggies. Again, I just need to stay strong and choose wisely. I'm terrified that I'll be back in the 120's tomorrow :( Thursday I plan to hit the gym hard like I did on Tuesday. So if I don't make much progress today and I can make up for it on Thursday before I leave on Friday. I feel like I'm already running low on energy... must stay focused.

I've been feeling lightheaded on daily basis for a while now. It only occurs for a split second but it sometimes scares me because I feel like it means I might faint. I never do though. Typically what happens is that I'll be sitting at my desk at work or on the couch in my living room or even walking down the street and for a split second I feel like I'm swaying back and forth. Like the ground below me is moving. I'm not sure if this is related to my eating (very probable) or just stress/anxiety-related. Over the past few years I've experienced TMJ, teeth grinding, and even shingles which my doctor says is mostly related to stress. I had a annual checkup in August or September with blood work and everything came back normal. Maybe I just need more water...

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

busy busy

Christmas weekend was fun and relaxing. I spent time with family members that I only seen a few times a year so it was really nice. There was a lot of food around and I just did my best not to pig out. I allowed myself to eat whatever I felt like eating in the moment and that included mac & cheese, lasagna, cookies, cake, and chocolates among other things. I got home late last night and was so pooped I went straight to bed and forgot to weigh myself. This morning when I woke up the scale told me I had gained 1.4 lbs over the long holiday weekend. I was expecting more so I’m definitely OK with this. I was actually surprised when I saw the number but I think my hard work from last week helped with that. I also think the eating over the weekend gave my metabolism a bit of a boost, which is just what I’ll need to get through the next few days. I’m heading out of town again on Friday to spend NYE with my girlfriends. I have SO MUCH to do before I leave so I need to start making a to-do list. Things I need to balance: work, spending time with visiting family, hitting the gym, shopping for last minute items for my trip. I only have 3 and half days so I really need to prioritize. AH!

I found a dress for NYE. It’s black & gold and really cute but also REALLY TIGHT, which means my stomach needs to be absolutely flat if I want to feel comfortable. I’m really nervous about the fit of the dress. I have a backup plain black dress but I really want to wear the black & gold one. I seriously contemplating buy some SPANX (does anyone own a pair??) but I also plan to push myself hard on the diet and exercise the next couple of days. Cardio, cardio, cardio and some weights.

Friday, December 23, 2011


First -- I want to say THANK YOU for all of the encouraging and supportive comments you girls have been leaving. It means a lot to me and really helps me stay on track (:

The office potluck was not only hard, but was also really strange in the way it affected me. There was an overabundance of foods, drinks, and desserts. I did well all things considering and stuck to the low cal, healthy options. They had beer, wine, eggnog but I didn’t have any. At one point I started to feel really left out. I realized I wasn’t enjoying myself like others around me were. Everyone was eating and drinking and laughing and chatting and I was trying my best to join in on the fun but for some reason I just wasn’t feeling it. I felt self-conscious, alone, and kind of awkward. I can’t really explain it but it was a depressing feeling so I left the party early. I felt like I had two choices: (1) stay, continued to be tempted by treats and liquor, and possibly give in or (2) leave and do something more productive with my time like go to the gym. So I did the latter. I went to the gym and did 1 hour of the elliptical. I instantly felt better as I was working out, but then an hour later I was sad. Again, I can’t explain it. I don’t know what triggered these emotions. I just felt like I was lost and alone. I think it has something to do with my calorie intake causing a chemical imbalance, which is making me feel depressed. It is Christmas time, I should not be sad!! Anyway, to make myself feel better I had some wine, ate that cookie (fail), and watched Love Actually. Needless to say, I didn’t make any progress overnight.

Friday-Monday should be interesting. Today I’m working then going to my family’s for the weekend for Christmas. I’ll be traveling and won’t be home until Monday. Being taken out of my environment and typical routine and thrown into the chaos of family holiday get-togethers is not going to be easy. I don’t want to be sad all weekend. I want to enjoy this time with my family and friends, especially since I don’t get to see many of them very often. I’m not sure what the game plan is going to be. I may just have a cal limit and eat whatever within that limit. Right after work I’m hitting the gym for one last workout before the long weekend. I need to stay focus and keep my eye on the goal.

Thursday, December 22, 2011


Morning weight: 120.4 (-1.4)

Yesterday was a good day. I stayed on track and was very strict with my eating. I basically ate what I posted yesterday and ended the day with a zero-cal soothing tea. The free lunch at work was tough but really not as hard as I thought it would be. I was mentally prepared so I just got a tiny bit of salad and that was it. Of course someone had to make a comment but I really don’t care. I’d rather have someone say something like “Oh that’s all you’re eating?!” than to eat foods that I don’t want to just to please someone. At the gym I also did everything I posted yesterday except I did 40mins on the elliptical instead of 30mins. Eating clean and working out feels so good. And waking up with the feeling of eagerness (to step of the scale, of course) rather than guilt is a nice change.

Today is our office potluck. There are cookies, cakes, pastries, cheeses, crackers, and real food like chili, meatballs, pulled pork, and salads. My plan is to stick with the salad and put cheese and a cookie on my plate to make it look like I’m eating more than I really am. I actually brought in gourmet cookies (240 calories each!). I left one at home – this way I can avoid them at the party because I *know* I have one at home waiting for me. But clearly, the plan is to not eat that cookie. It’s just to trick myself into thinking that I’m not actually depriving myself of the holiday treats. ANYWAY, things are going well and I’m motivated to do this. I have just over a week to look good for NYE. I’m going to go dress shopping on Monday (any recommendations for stores??). If I’m really strict today there’s a good chance I will break 120 tomorrow morning. THAT is what I’ll be thinking about during the potluck.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

doing it!

I woke up this morning in such a motivated mood. I'm on a mission to do this. I refuse to let myself stress out about my current status because there's really nothing I can do but move forward. Also, stress makes me want to binge on junk food and obvs I can't let that happen. Soo my eating plan for the day: protein shake (120), salad (150), tuna on lettuce (100), grilled chicken with veggies (200), protein shake (120). Workout plan: hit the weights hard (20-30mins), HIIT (20mins), elliptical (30mins). I may go longer on the cardio if I have enough energy. It's always tricky balancing my cal intake with my plans for a hardcore workout.

I haven't posted my stats in a while because I'm not thin enough and I'm just embarrassed to post it but I'm fully committed to keeping myself accountable on here so:

CW: 121.8
GW1: below 120 - Christmas Day

I don't know what my goal weight is for NYE. I don't know what's realistic... maybe 5lbs so 116.8-117? UGH I need to do this. I may post pics tonight so I can track my progress over the next 9 days or so. They're setting up our free lunch at work right now. I plan to just get a small side salad. Hopefully that's an option. I HATE HATE HATE how people around me get so excited about food. It's such a turnover for me when I see other people salivate in anticipation of food and then basically gorge themselves. Gross, no thank you I'll have a salad and with a side of abs please.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

countdown to NYE

I was going to make a post yesterday about how things were going relatively well considering it's the holiday season, but forget that. I am now FREAKING OUT because I just found out that NYE weekend with my friends is ON which means I have to buy a NYE dress pronto and I have to get skinny/thin/toned PRONTO. I just did some dress shopping at the mall and I look SO GROSS. I went to BEBE thinking I could fit into one of their itty-bitty party dresses.. who was I kidding?? I am bloated and fat. I don't know why I did this to myself, but really I haven't been working as hard as I should have been so now I'm paying for it.

I have 10 days to lose as much as I can while dealing with all the holiday parties and dinners that I have scheduled for this week. Tomorrow we're getting free lunch at work, then Thursday we have an office potluck party, then this weekend it is Christmas Eve & Christmas Day brunches, lunches, and dinners. I really, really need to get focused and stay on track because I REFUSE to look gross, flabby, and fat for NYE. Lord knows there's going to be massive picture taking and Facebook tagging so I will NEED to look good. There are no excuses. I just need to stop freaking out and make a plan and get going on it. Between now and next Friday I have 6 Gym Days. I'll have to hit the weights hard to tone up and sprint my little butt off (actually... big butt) on the treadmill. School is over so it really shouldn't be a problem getting to the gym now. Tomorrow I'm going to start taking some supplements too and will be eating ONLY: protein shakes, grilled chicken, tuna, egg whites, and veggies. I can get out of the work lunch tomorrow but the potluck is going to suck on Thursday. I'll just have to get a little bit of a few things and discretely get rid of it. I think this weekend's holiday family events are going to be the toughest though since we all eat together at one table. But whatever I'll just have to be strong and pick only low calorie, healthy foods. I can't focus on the negative right now. There's really no time for that. The goal is to focus all of that energy into getting Thin and Toned for NYE. I'll think I'll do daily posts to keep me accountable.

Thursday, December 15, 2011


I’ve been really good at following my plan this week. I’ve worked out 3 days in a row and will workout again today and tomorrow. I forgot how good running feels. I feel so alive in those moments when my blood is pumping and my lungs and heart are working hard with each step I take. It’s no joke when people say that exercising is addicting. Food wise I’ve been sticking to really clean and low calorie foods. I’ve been feeling lightheaded every now and that but I think that’s because I’m not getting enough water in so I need to do better with that. The scale has been going down each day and I feel lighter, less bloated, less jiggley, and more toned. It hasn’t been easy. I’ve been tempted to eat things that I know I shouldn’t. There’s a holiday basket at work filled with chocolates, cookies, cheeses, etc. and people have been picking at it each day. There’s also a woman in the office who is selling Girl Scout cookies on behalf of her daughter. Just seeing and hearing people eat those foods makes me crave them so badly. I almost gave in yesterday but was able to stay strong my holding my arm and imagining how GOOD I will feel once I’m toned and thin. It sounds silly and random but it worked for me.

I’ve been really productive this week too. I’ve done all my laundry, cleaned my whole apartment, and insulated my windows for the winter and it’s only Thursday morning. I’ve also been cramming for my last final exam, which I’ll take tomorrow. I’ll think I’ll be fine but the closer it gets the more stressed I get about the about of material I still need to cover. The stress makes me want to eat but distract myself I’ve been busting out in little solo dance parties while studying and drinking lots and lots of tea and chewing sugar-free gum. After my exam I plan to replace that tea with some booze because I definitely need it.

Monday, December 12, 2011

here we go

My plan for today/this week is to keep my calories really low and really clean and hit the gym every single day. I have a holiday party on Friday and I need to look good in my outfit because I don’t’ have a backup. It’s only 5 days so I really have no excuse to just Get It Done. After Friday I want to maintain that weight (or ideally keep going lower) because I’m just really tired of this yo-yoing inconsistency. Food wise I’m doing: no breakfast (0), salad with feta cheese (140), protein shake (120), tuna on lettuce leaves (100), baked or grilled fish (100), broccoli (30), protein shake (120). I’ll have unlimited coffee, tea, diet coke, and I also have cumbers if I get hungry late at night. I want to hit the gym hard every day this week. Today I’m going to do resistance training (weights) then 20-30mins of HIIT (sprint/walk workout). I’ll do this M-W-F and on Tu-Th I’ll do a longer HIIT session followed by elliptical work (total 60-90 min gym time). I NEED NEED NEED to work by abs every day too, or at least every other day.

Taking this one day at a time is key for me right now. There is so much going on in my life these days (I’m sure many of you can relate!) that I just need to break it all down so I don’t get overwhelmed. I haven’t started my Christmas shopping yet and that’s really stressing me out. But I have literally zero time to get any of that done this week, so I’ll just need to wait until this weekend. I don’t know what else is bothering me…. my weight obviously. Oh, and NYE plans. My friend wanted me to visit her that weekend so that we could go out and celebrate together (we did this last year) and I was down but I haven’t heard ANYTHING from her about it since. If I’m doing this I will need to book a bus ticket, buy a NYE dress, and figure out which (if any) days I need to take off from work. It’s annoying that she procrastinates about this stuff, but I don’t have time to figure out our plans right now so I’m thinking of not going this year and just going the next weekend to visit her. If I postpone the visit one weekend then I can relax and enjoy the holidays and save some $$$, BUT then I won’t have set plans for NYE. So I need to figure this out fast.

Saturday, December 10, 2011


I made some good progress this week - down 3.4lbs since Monday. I did really well Monday and Tuesday keeping my cals low and hitting the gym both days. Wednesday I had class and was able to keep my cals low but no gym. Thursday was my last day of class so I went to work, then class, then out to celebrate with my classmates. The celebration involved a few light beers and finger foods. I woke up Friday 0.5lbs heavier and was SO HUNGRY all day. I did pretty good at work and ate only a salad for lunch. Then I went to the gym to lift weights. After that, I was so so hungry and tired and cranky. I went to the store to buy dinner and I ended up buying some really bad foods, including a lean cuisine pizza (380), special k chips (360), and pretzel m&ms (360). So gross and such junk. At the time it obviously tasted so good and I enjoyed it, but afterwards I felt so guilty and upset. It's self-sabotage when I do that and eat like that. I used to be so good about staying in control and eating only. healthy.foods.

Today is a new day. From now until Christmas I'm going to track every single calorie that goes into my body. I'm also going to do more intense cardio training like sprints. I haven't done those in a while because my gym time has been limited due to school. But now that classes are over I have more time to commit to my workouts.

Sunday, December 4, 2011


I haven't been consistent with my post-thanksgiving detox. I started out great and lost a lot within the first few days, but I'm ashamed to report that that didn't last through the weekend. There's just so much going on this time of the year with the end of the semester, holiday gatherings, and work obligations. That's no excuse though. I was going to wait until the end of classes (which end this week) to resume my detox, but O really don't have the luxury of time to do that. So tomorrow I will continue on with my detox. O can't do anything about my classes and holiday events so my plan is to eat very little and very healthy when I'm alone so that I have some leeway when I'm out in public.

I feel so fat and bloated right now. I feel like I have no self-control and the stress of school, work, and the holidays is getting to me. I hate, hate, hate it. I just feel really heavy. I need to get over myself and just move forward. It's been really helpful really everyone's blogs. There's several of you that are doing the Christmas THIN challenge, which has been motivating to follow. I guess I'm doing that in my own my too.

This weekend has sort of sucked. I've been working on a final paper for class and being the perfectionist that I am, it takes me like half a day to write ONE paragraph. I swear, it took be about four hours to write the introduction because I couldn't move on to the next paragraph until I felt the intro was absolutely perfect. Sometimes I wish I didn't care so much and could just "bang out" a paper in an afternoon like a lot of my classmates. ////rants

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

quick update

I'm down -3.6lbs from Monday morning, which is what I was hoping for. I was hoping for a loss of 3-4lbs by today. I'm feeling leaner and my muscles are feeling "tighter." But, of course, I want more. This is only the beginning. Last year, I lost a lot in the beginning (water weight) and then after that the weight started to drop veeeeeeeery slowly. So I just need to be aware of that and be patient. Today is a school day. I've decided to do a protein shake for breakfast, salad for lunch, protein shake before class, and then chicken with broccoli and another protein shake after class. It's really tough on school days because I'm out from 8am-9/10pm. I'm probably going to be sick of protein shakes after today but what can you do. I need to keep my protein intake up. I've learned from personal experience that starving/eating super low cals just doesn't work for me. It ends up backfiring if I don't eat enough and then I overeat the first chance I get. So, must stay on track and stick to the plan.

This sounds bad, but I feel stronger and more empowered these days because I'm able to resist all these holiday treats and I'm losing while most people around me are stuffing their faces with leftover thanksgiving foods and holiday cookies and cakes and treats and are gaining wait. Self-discipline feels so good.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

game plan

I just finished cutting up veggies for my lunch salads for the week. I also marinated and froze some skinless, boneless chicken breast for some of my dinners this week. This detox thing works best when I'm prepared and when I plan out my daily meals and workouts. So here's the plan:

B: protein shake (120c), coffee (0c)
L: lunch salad (120c)
S: tuna on lettuce wraps (70c)
D: chicken (150c), broccoli (30c)

That keeps me under 500c for the day. I may add in another protein shake if I'm really hungry after dinner. I also bought 10c Jello in case I get a sweet tooth. And I have some fish that I'll eat instead of chicken a few nights a week. The tough days are going to be when I have school. Usually I eat protein bars and soup for convenience. I may still eat the soup but I have to pay attention to the carbs, sodium, and cals.

My gym days will be Monday (weights, cardio), Tuesday (weights, cardio), Friday (weights, cardio), Saturday (cardio), and Sunday (cardio).

My goal is to lose major water weight/bloat and some fat this week. Realistically, I know you can only lose about 2lbs on average of fat per week and the rest is just water weight. I'm only doing this for 12 days. Last year when I did this I lost 8lbs in 12 days. If I can lay off the alcohol I may be able to see similar results this year. Well, I hope!

false compliments

My post-Thanksgiving detox hasn't exactly gone according to plan these past two days. It's difficult to stick to a super stick diet when you are not in your own household and are around friends and family. I've been losing a bit, but my eating is no where near a "cleanse" type diet. I think I will officially start thing on Monday when I'm back to my own apartment and my own routine.

Tonight I went out to a bar with my best friend and her boyfriend. We danced the night away. I love dancing with her and her boyfriend is a pretty good dancer too. I *tried* to flirt with the bartender because I thought he was really cute. In case you don't know, I don't have the best luck with guys. I've never had a serious long-term boyfriend before and I'm always the 3rd or 5th wheel. UGH! Anyway, when I got a round of drinks for my friends I signed the receipt then at the bottom I wrote: "YOU ARE SO CUTE :)". Then 30-40mins later I went back to the bar and (after A TON of peer pressure) I gave him my number. AHHH! I wrote it on a receipt and put my full name and my cell number. Right before, he had given my friends and I a free round of drinks so I said "I just wanted to thank you for the drinks and give you my number. You should call me sometime." Smile, Smile. He then chatted me up for a few minutes and asked my name and where I lived, etc. He said he would definitely call so we could get together on his night off. I'm so guarded though that I don't even trust him/believe him. It was nice to flirt with him though. If he calls and we go out then great, but if not then fine. I'm so guarded that I always expect the worse anyway. FML.

As I was leaving, my bff said to me "goodnight, text me when you get home you are so skinny and amazing!" I was literally speechless when she said this. I don't know why she chose to say that I was "so skinny" when she could have just said "you're amazing". I really was at a loss for words. I just said "I will. I love you. You're fabulous!" I really wish she hadn't said I was "so skinny" because I'm very far from it. I have't been following my detox plan to a "T" and I've been eating a load of shit and not working out. So I am NOT skinny!!!!! Fuck that shit. Fuck false compliments. No eating tomorrow.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

post-thanksgiving detox

I'm really thankful for all that I have - my family, my friends, my health - but I'm not a big fan of Thanksgiving Day. I enjoy the family reunions and the warm, fuzzy feeling of this time of the year, but hearing everyone talk about the anticipation of that big Thanksgiving dinner and then WATCHING everyone stuff themselves until they can't move is the absolute worst. It is SUCH a turn off for me and for some reason it makes me angry. Why do people insist on gorging themselves every Thanksgiving? Gross. I had Thanksgiving dinner with my family and took a tiny bit of this and that so I ended up eating a regular size meal. I'm happy that it's over because it clearly causes way too much anxiety for me.

My plan is to do a mini challenge/detox! I'm excited because I'm in a good place and in the right mindset to do this. I did a 12-day cleanse/detox like this last year on the Sunday after Thanksgiving and I lost 8lbs in 12 days. I ate all protein and veggies. It was really boring but really effective. I also did weights and moderate cardio, which I plan to do this week. I'm deciding if I should just start this tomorrow or begin on Saturday. I need to do weights on Days 1,2,5,9,12 so if I start tomorrow I can get my Day 5 workout in on Tuesday before my classes on Wednesday and Thursday. I just don't have the proper foods in my apartment, but I think I can manage for a day and then go grocery shopping on Saturday.

I went on a date Tuesday night with a boy I met on Halloween weekend. We've been talking on the phone and texting and I was finally able to go out with him this week because I didn't have any classes! The date was fun. We went out to dinner. He's cute and tall and way more talkative than I remember him being. I'm not sure how attracted I am to him. This is really funny buuuttt also kind of awkward. So, we met at a Halloween party and there were lots of people and loud music and dancing and yada yada and I remember thinking that I was talking too much/talking his ear off. But I remember him being tall and cute and smile-y. So I finally see him again on Tuesday and the first thing I notice is that he has a lisp??! I'm still so confused because (1) I do NOT remember him having a lisp when I met him Halloween weekend (although I was drunk) and (2) I do NOT remember hearing this lisp the 4-5 times I talked to him on the phone (and I was sober)! It was so weird. I wanted to ask if he just got a Novocaine shot from the dentist haha. That obviously wouldn't have been very nice though. As the night went on the lisp did go away. I don't know. He texted me today to wish my a happy Thanksgiving, which was nice. And if he asks me out again I will probably say yes. He's nice and I have a lot of fun with him. And who really knows what was going on with that lisp thing. I think this is why I'm single.. I am mean and so hard to please. UGH.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

Saturday, November 19, 2011


i haven't been doing that well lately. i haven't been consistent. i haven't been working out as much as i should be. and as much as i used to. i've been eating more junk over the past three months than i have over the past there years. the stress of work + school is really taking a toll on me. i'm maintaining now, but that's not good. i lost a few pounds before i started school and i kept it off for a while, but now i think i gained it all back.

tonight i went out dancing with some friends and every time my crush touched or squeezed my stomach i cringed because i felt like i was fat. i don't have class next week because of thanksgiving so i'm planning to spend hours and hours and hours in the gym. the holidays are coming up and i don't want to be fat and spiral out of control.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011


I feel incredibly fat today. I’m wearing a new skirt but I’m so bloated that I look like I’m pregnant. I’ve barely gotten up from my desk all day because I don’t want people to look at me and thing “Wow what happened to her? She looks fatter than she did last week.” I ate too much yesterday and now I’m paying for it. So instead of going straight to school and studying after work today, I’m going home to change so I don’t feel so fat.

I can’t fall off now. I need to get a hold of this before it gets out of control. I hate this. Limiting carbs, limiting food, and upping my appetite suppressants.

Friday, October 28, 2011


TGIF! It seems like Fridays are the only days I'm able to post. I sound like a broken record, but life is just SO busy these days that I barely have time to breath. Or get my hair cut, which I really need to do! This week was good for the most part. I seemed to have gotten over my cold and I'm feeling better. The weather is getting colder though and I can feel it in my bones all day. My weight has gone down a bit each day and but I'm still just range-bound. I feel lighter though. I haven't been able to "maintain" like this ever. I don't eat very much and I don't work out very much, which really bothers me but I really just don't have the time with work and class and homework and other commitments. I don't sleep much either, so I can't really wake up early to get a workout in. My days to workout are Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon, Tues. For some reason, working out on a Friday after work is the last thing I want to do after a busy and tiring week of life. I really need to adjust my mindset though, and trick myself into thinking a Friday is actually a Monday.

I decided to share a picture from this week. I bought this dress and you can definitely see my jlo-wannbe booty in it. I seriously wonder how much my butt weighs. And my hair. I really need a haircut.


Saturday, October 22, 2011

still losing

I lost -2lbs this week. Honestly, I'm surprised by that because I haven't had time to be super obsessive about my weight. I don't have time to work out regularly (I only went to the gym on Monday) and I don't have time to plan or even eat my meals. I basically don't have time to even think about losing. But my busy schedule seems to help. From 8am-4pm I eat a homemade salad or soup and saltines Monday-Friday, which are both less than 200 calories. Then on non-school nights I've been doing the usual grilled chicken with veggies and one or two low-cal snacks. On school nights it has been a bit tougher. I usually eat a cereal bar or apple before class, then a luna bar during class, and then have a soup when I get home. I don't obsessively keep track of calories, but apparently it's low enough for me to keep losing.

I was so tired after work yesterday. I only slept 4.5-5 hours the night before AND I've been really sick the past week, so by 2pm I was in complete crash mode. I finished up my work day and went straight to the store to pick up dinner. I decided to get a tomato/mozzarella/basil sub from a little Italian spot. It was big, but I was hungry because I only had a 120 calorie soup all day. So I had that for dinner at 5pm then a couple of snacks and was in bed at 9pm. I woke up -0.6lbs lighter than yesterday, which was a huge surprise because I thought I would have definitely gained from the sub sandwich. I'm not sure what's going on with my body and metabolism but I like how things are working. I'm losing and I'm not killing myself doing it.

Today I plan to WORK OUT, CLEAN my apartment, and do some homework before my family comes into town later this afternoon. I have to take my little cousins out for pizza and a movie. I don't mind because I barely see them. I'm not too thrilled about eating the pizza. I have a cold/flu-like thing so food is just really unappealing to be at times. Meh, we'll see..

Monday, October 17, 2011

so busy

I haven’t updated in a while. Things just have been so busy I barely have time to breath. My life revolves around work, school, friends, school, family, school. This past week was especially busy with exams, papers, group work, and school events. I haven’t been working out or sleeping much, but I also haven’t been eating much so my weight has been more or less stable. I’m also eating less junk food, so that is good. I’m enjoying life for the most part, but I need to get my butt to the gym. I just feel out of shape and pudgy even though my weight hasn’t changed. I’m going after work today and tomorrow and the plan is to do LOTS OF CARDIO.

Halloween is coming up soon. I need to put a custom together. I have no idea what I’m going to dress up as. I also have no idea what I’m going to be doing that weekend. Some friends are planning to visit, which I’m both excited and nervous about. Excited because I haven’t seen them in a while and we always have a great time when we get together, but nervous because life is so busy and hosting guests for a weekend means I won’t be able to do school work. I’ll also be eating more when they visit since that always seems to happen. If I’m dressing up this year though (which I plan to), that means I really need to get my shit together. I have two weeks to get in tip top shape.

There’s no news on the love front. I’m way too busy to be heavily involved with someone. I’m also having way too much fun meeting new people at school and spending time with them. This leaves very little time for love. That guy N from a few posts back turned out to be a dud. We never went out because I heard he just was just looking to get it in, and I wasn’t looking for just a hookup. He was pretty rude and inconsiderate too. I’m still hung up on H even though I only met him once over the summer and we haven’t communicated since August. We’ll still Facebook friends and new photos of him came through my newsfeed yesterday. He is so gorgeous it hurts. His birthday is also coming up this week. I think I’m going to wish him a happy birthday and maybe send him a message to ask how things are going. I’m aware he’s probably not interested in me (since I haven’t heard from him in months), but I like him and I have nothing to lose so whatever.

Monday, October 10, 2011

ready for it

I guess I needed a longer break than I thought I did. I just couldn't get back to being 100% committed no matter had hard I tried. The scale was being too nice and I was able to get away with eating foods I would NEVER have eaten this time last year. It's a total mindfuck. I've been depriving myself for so long, so I almost feel like I was testing my body to see what I could get away with.

I'm over that now. In fact, I need a body detox. I've eaten so much junk in the past few weeks that it's just disgusting. I live alone too so it's gross when I see an empty cereal box and know that it was me and only me who had eaten every last bit of that cereal. I hate that feeling.

This weekend I took baby steps. I worked out every day. But I also ate bad foods. So tomorrow I will start a mini self-challenge. ZERO junk food for one week. I'll stick to veggies, fruits, lean proteins, soups... all whole foods basically for the week. Then I'll try and go another week, and another, until it becomes a habit again. I was once a health nut. I wouldn't eat any chips or candy or take out foods. But lately I have been and I'm not proud of it. The one good (but also bad) thing about it all is that my weight has been more or less stable these past few weeks. Why, I don't know? Your guess is as good as mine.

Friday, October 7, 2011

gym & scales

It's taking me some time to get back on track. I haven't been to the gym in days due to my chaotic work/school schedule. I don't know what my deal is but I need to get my act together ASAP. It's just completely unacceptable. Things (exams, group projects, happy hour, bad weather) have been popping up and I've been using it as an excuse in a way to skip the gym. It's Friday today and I wanted to go to the gym after work but I'm completely wiped out and I have to shower and meet my friend for dinner. So if I went I'd basically get ZERO time to just chill before dinner. I probably should have gone anyway since I haven't been in so long, but I played the scale game: "If I'm over XXXlbs then I'll workout, if I'm under XXXlbs then I'll hang out." And it turns out I was -3lbs below that number. Which brings me to...

WTF SCALE?! I mean, I know I always give you shit. If you give me too high of a number I get upset and can't concentrate on anything for the rest of the day except losing weight. And if you give me a lower than expected number I get mad at you because I feel like you're giving me a false sense of security, which messes with my head and makes me think I can eat like a normal person when really I can't.

It's been really confusing, this scale nonsense. I've been hoovering around this weight... losing a bit some days, gaining a bit others.. but staying relatively range bound. The interesting part is that I'm not even on my A game right now. I'm not going to the gym as much as I used to (I was going practically every day before I started school!) and I've been eating way more "junk food" then I was a year ago. But a year ago, my weight would REALLY fluctuate. I was also on one extreme or the other. Restricting/over-exercising and then gorging myself. These days I'm just way too busy. I don't workout, but I also don't gorge myself. I restrict moderately, which I guess has been good for me.

I have a long three-day weekend and I plan to set some hard goals for myself. I need to figure out a really good gym schedule. I'll be honest, I haven't been to the gym ONCE in the month of October. I get charged on the 1st of every month for my membership, so the fact that I haven't used it yet makes me really stressed out (I get stressed out over money easily).

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

back to black

I took a break for a while. I needed it, for both psychologically and physiologically reasons. I also just needed to relax for a while since I was so stressed about everything going on in my life. I did lose a bit of progress, but the scale has been going down the past two days. Regardless, I’m feeling fat and tubby. I took a (much needed) break from the gym, which is also contributing to this feeling of flabby-ness. It’s nice to be thin during the summer, but it’s even better to feel thin during the fall and winter when you’re wearing all those layers. I also think I look better in skirts and dresses than I do in pants and jeans, which is another reason why I need to be thinner.

My motivation isn’t quite there yet. As expected, the caffeine isn’t haven’t the same effect as it used to. The adrenaline from starting school again has also worn off. This has left me feeling mostly tired and lazy… which I sometimes interpret as being hungry. You’d think I’d be better at all of this given the fact that I’m somewhat AWARE of these things, but nope. I’m still hovering around the weight I’ve been hovering around the past few months.

I need to design my plan more methodically and COMMIT to it. My biggest issue has been making time for the gym. I used to be so good about going every day, but now life is a whole lot busier with school and making time for friends/family, etc. I had a goal hitting the gym 5 days per week (no gym on school days), but that quickly dwindled to 4 days, then 3 days, then 2, etc. So I need to figure something out that will work for me.

Today I will stay under 800 calories or so. No gym because I have class tonight.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

roller coaster

I’m down -2.4lbs since my Monday morning weight, but I’m not happy because this Thursday’s weight is higher than my Thursday weight last week. I wish these scale weigh-ins didn’t affect my mood so much, but I can’t help it. I don’t even know what my true weight is at this point. Things I do know: (1) I’ve been bloated since Monday and I’m 99% sure it’s from all the Fiber One products I’ve been eating (cereal bars and 90-calorie brownies), (2) my body is adjusting to this plan and isn’t responding like it use to. So, NOTE TO SELF: no more Fiber One foods. They are OK, but definitely not worth it. One 90-calorie brownie does not satisfy me (it’s practically half air), which means I’m always looking for something else to eat on top of it. Also, the fiber has been going in but hasn’t exactly been coming out, if you know what I mean. UGH. I don’t know what my plan will be going forward. I need to design a plan for myself that’s easy enough to follow, yet gets the job done, so that I can be consistent with it. Consistently is the key for me.

Right now my eating plan is: no breakfast, 100-150c salad or soup for lunch, grilled chicken with veggies or soup for dinner, and snacks (popcorn, cereal bars, hummus, etc). I typically keep my intake at around 600-800 calories, sometimes 900, but definitely under 1000. So, maybe I should change up my snacks. Less carbs, more fruits and veggies. And also, keep the soup sodium levels low. For exercise, I’ve been trying to workout 5 days per week but realistically have only managed 4 days due to school and friends/family commitments. I definitely need to switch it up at the gym. More running, less elliptical. More abs. And maybe more bodyweight exercise instead of free weights and machines. So yeah, that may be my plan for the new month.

Speaking of October, Halloween is coming up. My friends and I are planning to get dressed up and go out and party. I need to start brainstorming ideas. And I also need to look thin in my costume. Is anyone else getting dressed up for Halloween??

Tuesday, September 27, 2011


It’s only Tuesday, but my week so far isn’t going very well. I don’t know if it’s the stress from work/school/life that’s getting to me or if it’s my diet or my sleep schedule or these supplements or what, but I just don’t feel all that great. I didn’t have the best eating day yesterday and my weight was up 0.6lbs this morning, which is really upsetting me right now. Yesterday started out OK. I only ate a 100-calorie veggie salad from the time I woke up at 7:15am until the time I got home at 6pm. I hit the gym after work and did 45mins of the elliptical and then 20mins of weights and abs. Then I got home and it all seemed to go downhill from there. I ate more snacks that I had planned to (I think because I didn’t really get to over the weekend) and had 1.5 glasses of wine from a bottle that I opened this weekend. I didn’t even crave wine, but I didn’t want it to go bad (I don’t know how long red wine lasts?). Anyway, I ate: grilled chicken (150), corn (70), two fudgesicles (80), fiber one bar (140), fiber one brownie (90), popcorn (100), cheese (100?), wine (??). I’m not sure how many calories were in the wine, but I’m guessing I was still under 1000 cals for the day. I woke up this morning feeling bloated and knew the scale was going to be up. I just knew it. So I really shouldn’t have been all that surprised when I saw the +0.6lbs. It’s my own fault. But I’m still upset and I feel defeated. Like, if I’m not maintaining or losing weight each day then I’m not winning at this. And if I’m not winning, then I don’t want to play. And that that’s not a good way to go about this because when I feel like giving up I usually just want to go home and stuff my face because I just don’t care anymore. It’s a self-fulfilling prophesy. So I just need to refocus and get back on my game plan.

Today my goal is to limit my snacks and have no wine with dinner. So: no breakfast, salad for lunch (150), leftover chicken and corn for dinner (220), soup (100), fiber one brownie (90), fudgesicle (40). I will hit the gym and do 45mins of the hard elliptical-type looking machine and then 20-30mins of spiriting/jogging on the treadmill. I will also try my best to get to bed early. Last night I was really tired and was able to get 7.5 hours of sleep, which is pretty good for me these days.

Sometimes I don’t know if I’ll ever get small. It takes SO MUCH WORK for me to lose, and even then I can’t get that low. My lowest weight over the past five years or so has been about 113lbs and I’m 5’4”. I want to look like Mila Kunis in Black Swan. (I could never look like Natalie because my bone structure isn’t that small). I need to refocus and stay on track. I just need to.

Monday, September 26, 2011


I overslept this morning! I never oversleep and if I do I get super anxious. I’m pretty anxious when it comes to time in general. But, last night I just completely forgot to set my alarm clock so I woke up about 45 minutes late. I skipped my morning cup of coffee and didn’t style my hair. I was only about 15 minutes late to the office, but no one even noticed. On the plus side, I got almost 8 hours of sleep last night! I’m lucky I didn’t sleep in much later because I’m sure I could have.

I’m making progress on my weekend eating. My Monday morning weigh-in for today was -2lbs lower than my Monday morning weigh-in last week, which is something to be happy about I guess. I had a very busy weekend that included lots of homework, family visiting, get togethers with friends, etc. Hanging out with friends and family almost always involves food! I felt it was mostly healthy, but I ate a lot more “meals” than I’m used to eating. I prefer to eat low-cal meals and several snacks, but this weekend was high-cal meals and few snacks. My plan for this week is to keep losing and to tone up. I haven’t been to the gym since Saturday so I plan to go after work today and do weights and cardio AND ABS. It’s very warm outside today so I may also do some running outside. Food wise: no breakfast, salad (100), hummus/carrots (135), grilled chicken (150), corn (70), fudgesicle (40), and maybe popcorn (100). I took my supplements this morning and will probably take them over the next three days. So maybe I’ll try to skip them on Friday, although… I didn’t take them on Saturday or Sunday and I felt down and almost sort of sad. I don’t know maybe it’s just because what’s been going on in my life and the stress is started to get to me.

I still need to go shopping for work pants and shoes. I’m wearing a skirt today (it feels like summer) and it totally doesn’t fit right. I’m practically swimming in it. I want to roll it up (like in high school haha) but my top is tucked in so you will notice if I do that. Oh well.

Friday, September 23, 2011

weekend, finally

I AM EXHAUSTED. I literally laid in bed for 1.5 hours last night before I finally fell asleep. This meant I only got about 5 hours of sleep last night. On average, I think I got about 5-6 hours of sleep per night. All I can say is Thank God It’s Friday! I have a lot of things to do for school and several commitments with friends and family lined up for the weekend, but I’m hoping to catch up on some sleep too. This morning I woke up in the 118’s. I haven’t seen this number in a long time! My stomach is looking better and my jeans are feeling looser, which is such a great feeling. I took some pictures on my iphone this morning but I’m not sure if I want to post them here or not. I *feel* smaller and the scale says I’m smaller, but I don’t *look* smaller in the pictures. At least I don’t think so.

This weekend (as always) is going to be a major challenge for me. I seem to always have trouble staying on track during the weekends. My schedule is really booked up Friday-Sunday though so I’m hoping that will help. I’ve noticed that now that I’ve started evening business school the work + school combo leaves me very little time to eat or even think about food. My dinner on school nights has become a Luna bar during our 15 minute break and then usually when I get home I’ll have a bag of 100-cal popcorn or a 100-cal soup. When I actually have downtime to think about things I get really anxious and upset about what I’m doing to my body. I eat 600-800 calories per day (which isn’t that bad), I am sleep deprived, I use (abuse?) appetite suppressants (including a lot of caffeine), I don’t get all the nutrients I need to be getting, etc. I want to wean myself off of the suppressants but I know the suppressants are what have been getting me through my new work/school schedule. If I didn’t take them I would be so tired that I don’t think I would be able to function. I’ll have to figure something out though because I can’t do this forever. I’m thinking of only taking them on school days, instead of every work day. I don’t take them on the weekends, which may be related to my weekend overeating. But, then again, maybe not. Maybe it’s all in my head.

N texted me last night. He may have to go out of town this weekend, but if not we’re going to meet for drinks tonight. I really hope it doesn’t fall through this time because I really want to see him. I’m so tired but I know I’ll get re-energized if we go out tonight. Ohhhh, priorities.

Goals/Things to remember:
- skip suppressants one day next week (maybe Monday)
- pack vitamins with lunch
- start doing ab workouts 3x per week
- run more instead of using the elliptical

Thursday, September 22, 2011

hips & hair

I’ve lost -2lbs over the past two days. I’m feeling leaning than ever, although I can still spot problem areas that need work. My stomach, for one, still has some “pudge” that needs to go away. I’ve been really lazy and inconsistent with my ab workouts so I really need to get on that. Cardio (running, especially) usually helps me with a flatter stomach, so I need to do more running instead of elliptical work. I also have tree trunks for thighs. That’s mostly genetic (I think) and due to years and years of sports (muscle!). I don’t do direct leg workouts when I’m at the gym. In the past, I found sprint workouts followed by elliptical workouts to be effective in making my thighs a bit smaller. Speaking of legs, now that fall is approaching and it’s starting to get cooler outside I have to breakout my office/work dress pants soon. I hate wearing pants to work!! My hips are much wider my waist and my thighs are just muscular so I look big and thick in pants. They’re usually really tight around my hips and thighs too, which makes me just look gross. I need to go shopping for new ones and get them properly hemmed. Also, I usually get wear flats to work, but those make me look even shorter/wider so I want to try to incorporate some heel – maybe wedge or boot. I’ve been wearing dresses and skirts all summer. I’m much more comfortable wearing these because I think my body shape just looks better in them. Although – this is funny/sad – when I wear skirts at the beginning of the week they fit fine but towards the end of the week (like today!) I am swimming in some of my skirts and they start to twist and turn all around and the waist rides up so I am constantly readjusting/straitening it out. I have a few fall dresses and skirts that I can wear with tights, but not enough.

I’ve been having issues with my hair. This is really disturbing because I’ve never had hair problems. My hair is long and thick, so much so that when I get my haircut I have to ask my hairdresser to “thin it out” with layers and a razor. But lately, I’ve been noticing that parts of my head are “going bald,” specifically, where my side bangs part. It’s awful and I’m almost certain it’s due to my diet. I’m not getting in enough calories and I’ve been really inconsistent with taking my vitamins. I used to take them first thing in the morning, but now I don’t eat breakfast and I don’t like taking vitamins on an empty stomach so I just forget. I need to do a better job with that. Does anyone have issues with their hair? Have you found anything that works to improve it?

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

scale games

Down -3.2lbs this morning from Monday’s weigh-in. It’s crazy sometimes how much water/glycogen weight I shed at the beginning of each week. I was feeling pretty lean last night and this morning, which is a nice feeling. I did OK yesterday in regards to my plan. I kept my calories under 700, as planned, but instead of going straight home and to the gym I decided to go shopping for work clothes. I got in some extra walking (and bought a new sweater top), but by the time I got home it was prime-time/post-work rush hour at the gym and I didn’t feel like dealing with that. I still had an urge to workout though so I put on my running shoes and went for a 2 mile run outside. I am so sore today!!! I think 20 mins of running outside on the pavement is equivalent to about 40 mins of elliptical work at the gym for me. I wish I could have run longer but I was low on energy and semi-dehydrated (I didn’t drink water all day, only coffee and tea… whoops!). Today I plan to keep my calories around 700 again and make it to the gym for cardio and weights. I have class on Wednesday and Thursday (no gym days) so I need to go today.

Lately, I feel like I’ve just been barely staying above water. I was thrown into the deep end when classes started two weeks ago, and since then I’ve just been treading water and trying to stay afloat. I’ve been pretty good with my school work, trying to stay on top of all my studies and assignments. Since each class only meets once a week for 3 hours we are assigned a lot of work and reading to complete on our own. Last night I spent about 4-5 hours reading one case and taking notes. It’s a lot of work and staying on top of it all is exhausting, but I signed up for this so I can’t really complain. The downside is that I haven’t seen certain friends in weeks and spoken to certain out-of-town friends in months! I’m still adjusting to my new schedule, but I know I need to make a bigger effort now to stay in touch with friends. Sometimes it’s just really hard to balance work + school + working out + friends + family + boys. I basically don’t go out during the week anymore. That time is spent on working out, studying, and going to class. Weekends are also devoting to studying, but I also try to catch up on sleep and go out with friends and boys AND visit my family. I can’t do everything though, so I need to find a balance. Balance: it’s basically what I’m always working on. I tend to do things in extremes (starve/overeat, go out get drunk/become antisocial and hibernate, annoyingly text boys/barley text even though I’m interested).

I feel like I’ve been becoming more in-tuned with my body. Before I step on the scale I make a guess and 8/10 times I’m spot on (not down to the decimal, but I usually get the XXX.XX part right). I then play games with myself and say things like “OK if I’m above XXXlbs then I can’t eat that, but if I’m below then I can” or “If I weigh more than XXXlbs then I have to run, but if I’m below I can skip my workout” even though I already have a pretty good idea of which side I’m on. I did that yesterday with the run. Why? I don’t know. But, I told myself I could skip the run if I was below a certain weight and (even though I was feeling light and lean and kind of *knew* I’d be below) I went along with the game and stepped on the scale and, lo and behold, I was below. I still went on the run though. Grrr. Does anyone else go through this? Try to self-sabotage your efforts?

Monday, September 19, 2011

(non) date update

My date with N didn’t happen this weekend. I am pretty bummed because I was looking forward to seeing him. This is what happened: Thursday night I get a text from N saying, “Hey K it’s N we met last Saturday at _______. Would love to grab a drink with you, what are your plans this weekend?” And I responded with, “Hey! It was great meeting you N, let’s definitely get together. I will be around this weekend.” He then replied with, “Perfect. I will shoot you a text tomorrow to see what you’re up to. I may have to work late but maybe after we can meet up.” And I said “Sounds great.” Anyway, he ended up having to work late on Friday (I'm assuming) so we never got together. He then texted me on Saturday asking what I was up to for the night and I told him that my friend was suppose to be visiting but plans fell through. He said one of his friends was flying in from out of town but the flight was delayed so he asked if I wanted to grab drinks and I said “Sure, let’s do it.” I was really excited to see him and wanted to look really cute so I did my hair, changed my outfit like 5 times, and was in the middle of doing my makeup when he texted “Shit looks like my friend’s flight will be here in 45 minutes. I won’t be able to make it tonight sorry… maybe tomorrow.” At that point I was really upset because I was looking forward to going out and seeing him. I know he had no control over the situation, but I felt like I was being stood up even though I wasn’t. I was just bummed because I was 90% ready and he had canceled last minute. I didn’t want to respond because I was so upset but I just said “Okay have a good night.” I wouldn’t have been able to see him on Sunday, but he never got in touch with me anyway so it didn’t matter. I don’t know how to do the text game. Usually, I’ll text the guy a lot in the beginning if I like him and I'm interested in him. For instance, on Friday he never called or texted to let me know he was working late (annoying) so on Saturday I was going to text him and be like “Work late last night?” but only in a cuter/much nicer way. But then I decided not to because I want the guy to really pursue me for once! And I thought it paid off because he eventually got in touch with me on Saturday, but now I’m tempted to text him again and just say something like “hey how was your weekend?” But, maybe I shouldn’t? This is why I am single!!! I don’t know how to do this kind of stuff. Do I text him so he knows I’m interested or do I let him chase me for a while?? UGH. What would you girls do? I’m pretty sure his cousin already told him I’m really interested though so maybe I’ll just let HIM keep doing the work… then after we finally go out I’ll change that.

It’s Monday and I didn’t maintain my Friday weight over the weekend so I’ll be focused on that. Today’s game plan is to eat below 700 calories (salad, grilled chicken, veggies, tuna) and hit the gym for lots of cardio and some weights. I feel like I'm abusing my body and I hate that. I don't feed it like I should and I put A LOT of caffeine in my system. I am definitely becoming way too dependent on it. On average, I have AT LEAST 400mg of caffeine a day to sometimes up to 600-800mg a day. I just did a quick google search and it looks like 400-500mg is a "safe" amount, according to one study. Blah I don't know.

Friday, September 16, 2011

weight & date

I haven’t posted in a while. Life has been very hectic now that I’m working full-time and going to school two nights a week. My sleep schedule is totally off and I’m only sleeping about 6 hours per night instead of my usual 8 or so. I haven’t crashed yet, but I feel like I will soon. I’ve just been in GO GO GO mode for two weeks straight now. I’m hoping to catch up on some sleep this weekend.

I had an OK weight week this week. I overate again over the weekend (FML) so I basically spent Monday through Thursday losing that weekend weight. It’s such a frustrating and annoying cycle, but I have so much trouble reversing it or getting my eating under control over the weekend. I restrict, restrict, restrict all work-week that by the time I hit Friday I just want to RELAX and my body just wants to eat. I know I can try to adjust my calories higher during the week so I don’t feel so “deprived” and overeat during the weekend, but to be honest I don’t trust that concept. And I don’t trust myself. So I don’t want to eat higher calories during the week because I’m scared I’ll still overeat during the weekend, and that’s just a complete lose/lose situation. So I’d rather try and do it this way. It’s a work in progress more than anything. I can’t expect my weekend eating habits to completely change overnight. When I “overeat” during the weekend I don’t mean in the sense that I completely binge and eat tens of thousands of calories. I just don’t eat very healthily. I eat lots of junk food in individual sizes like: one person lean cuisine pizza, 6-pack of oreo cookies, small box of cheese itz, pb sandwich at my parents’ house, pretzels, etc, etc. So to that point, I also think the majority of the “weekend weight” I gain is just water weight and glycogen. BUT, that’s still reflected in the scale so when I weigh-in on Monday morning it can sometimes be as much as +5lbs from my Friday weight (gross, I know). But then I’ll restrict all day on Monday and my weight will drop -3lbs for Tuesday’s weigh-in and then over the next couple of days I’ll lose about 1lb per day. So basically, I make like NO PROGRESS AT ALL on a week to week basis. Wow, I need to work on this... I guess the good part is that I am feeling much leaner than I was a few months ago.

I want to be skinny for fall clothes so I need to really, really, really work on this.

Other parts of my life have been good. I’m going on a date tonight! With a boy I met on Saturday at my friend’s place. I have butterflies just thinking about it AH. The moment he walked into the apartment I was completely drawn to him. He’s tall, dark, and handsome. We chatted on/off throughout the night and had a lot in common. I had to leave early to go meet up with some other friends, but last night I got a text from his cousin (who I’ve met a couple of times now and have slowly became friends with) that said N asked for my number and if it was ok to give it to him :) At one point on Saturday, M (who is gay and fabulous) and I were talking about what our “type” was and I said N was totally my type and he said he would “make that happen” haha. I didn’t really think it would though (because I have zero self-confidence), so I’m very excited about all this.

I plan to catch up on everyone's blogs this weekend. I hope you all are doing well.

Friday, September 9, 2011


I woke up this morning, stepped on the scale, and weighed-in in the 119’s. Hallelujah. Why it takes me so long to break 120 is, really, unbeknownst to me. I did OK yesterday. I didn’t workout because I had a three-hour class right after work. I still haven’t figured out my meals for school days. Yesterday I ate: no breakfast (0), homemade lunch salad (175), apple (90), small cup of chicken noodle soup (80-100?), half an oatmeal raisin cookie (??) pria powerbar (110), string cheese (90), popcorn (100). Total was about 700-800 if I overestimate the soup and half cookie at 100 calories. The cookies were laid out before class and I ate one to rev up my brain power (actually they just looked delicious). I’ve been so anxious about my new schedule that I haven’t been thinking about food much. When I got home last night I was pretty hungry but not enough for an actual meal so I ate some string cheese and a bag of 100-calorie popcorn.

Today is Friday! I am sooo exhausted from this week. I couldn’t fall asleep again last night but was still able to clock in about 6.5 hours. My plan for the weekend is to catch up on some sleep (!!), relax, do homework, do laundry, and see my friends (finally). Today after work I’m going to hit the gym (even though I’m really tired) because I haven’t worked out since Tuesday. I’m thinking I’ll do 60 mins cardio, more if I have the energy. My goal is to go to the gym every single day for the next 5 days so 60 mins should be good today. My motivation right now is wine haha. I told myself that I can only have a glass or two of wine later tonight if I get a workout in. Usually, when I make up these little rules for myself I stick to them so I’m confident that I’ll be on plan for the day.

We got free lunch at work today: sandwiches and pizza. I tried to look for the least calorie sandwich and went with half a tomato, mozzarella, pesto sandwich. It wasn’t even that great (ugh), but according to the website it was about 600 calories for a whole sandwich, so I ate about 300. I’m not sure what’s on the menu for the rest of the day but my goal is to stay on my low-calorie plan all weekend. TGIF

Thursday, September 8, 2011

school daze

Down -0.8lbs this morning. I will take it, especially since I had such a big scale move the previous morning. Yesterday was nuts. I was on the go non-stop: went to work, doctor’s appointment, back to work, school for three hours, and then finally home. I had so many nerves due to the first day of school, which made my appetite basically non-existent. I ate an apple and protein shake for lunch (190) and another apple for dinner (90). Then I had my evening class. I made the mistake of getting a large green tea from Starbucks for class. I had already had about 500mg of caffeine in my system and the green tea added 50-100mg more. I really need to back off on the caffeine because I couldn’t unwind at all last night when I got home from class. I was up until 1am, which meant I only got 5.5 hours of “sleep.” The good news is that I was able to crank out 2.5 hours of reading/homework last night. But this can’t become a habit so I need to adjust my caffeine intake big time.

I’ve been brainstorming food/meal plans for school nights. I was unprepared yesterday. Halfway through class we had a break and most people got a snack of some sort. I knew I should eat something because I only 280 calories so far, but pickings were slim. I ended up getting a package of those crackers with peanut butter. Only 190 cals, so that wasn’t bad. But again, I don’t’ want to make vending machine snacks a habit so I need to plan better. I’m thinking I will either do soup for lunch and then homemade salad pre-class on school nights or homemade salad for lunch and apple with a protein bar pre-class. Tonight I’m bringing water (!), an apple, and then I’m going to get a granola bar or high-protein bar if it’s available. UGH food planning is annoying sometimes. The great part about school is that it takes up 6 hour of my week now, which is 6 hours that I used to spend watching tv and snacking. When I got home last night I was pretty hungry (only 470 cals for the day versus my usual 600-900) so I made a salad and then had a string cheese.

I’m really happy tomorrow is Friday. I’m excited to catch up on some sleep this weekend and just relax after a crazy day of work/school. Tonight is another three hours of class. I must watch my caffeine intake!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

staying on track

Down 3lbs from yesterday!! Clearly, you can’t lose 3lbs of fat overnight so there’s definitely some water weight and glycogen involved there. But I did wake up this morning feeling super lean and light. And I also notice changes in my body. For instance, my stomach is much leaner and there is little/no bloat versus a few months ago when I had some pudge going on. I’ve been overeating and “overcarbing” on the weekends, which is making it difficult for me to make any significant progress on the scale. But I’m still seeing changes. Maybe this means the scale is reflecting excess water weight instead of fat? I do not know.

I do know that I’m very thankful for this blog because it really holds me accountable. I stuck to my plan yesterday to the T even though I wanted to quit at one point. I was on the treadmill doing my 1.25 mile run and I so badly wanted to stop after the 1 mile because I was “tired” and felt a bit claustrophobic with people running right next to me, BUT I remembered that I told you girls that I would do 1.25 so I sucked it up and did it! I didn’t start this blog with that mindset… but writing/typing out my goals really helps me and motivates me to achieve them. Overall, my gym workout yesterday consisted of: 60 mins on the arc trainer, 1.25 miles running @ 7 mph on the treadmill, and then 10 mins of alternating sprints @ 9.5 mph and walking at 3 mph. I felt great afterwards. Food wise I also stuck to my plan and came in at about 650 calories.

Today is going to be a very busy day for me. I only got 6 hours of sleep last night (I like to get 8) so it could also be a looooong day for me too. I had such a hard time falling asleep last night. I think I had too much caffeine in my system. But that stuff really helps me GSD (get shit done) so I don’t see myself giving it up anytime soon. Usually I’m grumpy the next morning when I don’t sleep well, but thanks to the scale this morning that’s not the case. Anyway, I have work then it’s straight to my first class tonight. Three hours!! I know I’ll be able to get through it tonight, but I’m sure those three hours are going to get old fast. Work + school means no gym today. This was another reason I tried to have good gym session yesterday. I have class again tomorrow night so I won’t make it back to the gym until Friday, which is usually my off day. I get a total “Friday” mindset that makes me want to just veg out after work and drink booze and eat yummy (but bad) foods. This mindset needs to be broken!!

I didn’t know what to make for my meals today. I have a doctor’s appointment at lunchtime so I didn’t pack my usual salad. Instead I packed 2 apples and I plan to buy 2 of those already made protein shakes after work, so I can have an apple and shake for lunch and then another apple and shake for dinner. Meh. I had no idea what to pack? I think this will hold me over through work and school and fill me up though. In total it’s about 400 calories. This can’t be my school day meal/meals though so I definitely need to come up with other ideas.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011


Back on the grind. It feels like a Monday morning, but it’s really Tuesday. That’s definitely one of the perks of a long holiday weekend. It was raining when I woke up this morning and I think I changed my outfit about 10 times because I didn’t know what to wear. At first I was going to wear pants to work because rain = cold and wet and I thought I’d be more comfortable wearing pants. But I looked fat (thighs!!) in all of them. I was running late so I decided on a skirt, which I’m happy about because my calves and ankles are at least somewhat slim and plus it’s still warm out. Anyway, the scale gave me the “typical Monday morning number.” I feel so carb-ed up and full from this weekend’s drinking and eating. Gross. If all goes well today I should be down -2lbs tomorrow (water weight).

I have no plans after work today so I’m going to hit the gym long and hard! I managed to make it to the gym yesterday morning, which was great. I told myself that I have to workout AT LEAST 4 days per week now that I’m back in school (classes start tomorrow). I won’t be able to workout on school night (Wednesday and Thursday) and I skipped the gym on Sunday, which meant I absolutely HAD to go yesterday. I can definitely say this – I’ve never regretted a workout. I did 40 mins on the arc trainer, 20 mins weights/abs, and ran 1 mile sort of fast on the treadmill. I’ve been doing so much elliptical/arc trainer work so my running sucks. I need to build up my running endurance and stamina. Today I’m going to do 1.25 miles and then keep working my way up. All cardio today since I did weights yesterday.

I need to plan out my food/meals for the week. I’m not sure what I’m going to do on school nights with dinner etc. I could skip dinner obviously, but I function better with food. I don’t know, I have another day to think about it. For today it will be: no breakfast (0), healthy lunch salad (170), cheese stick (90), chicken (150), corn (70), fudgesicle (40). Also, I did some homework/reading for school yesterday and I was snacking like crazy. THIS CAN NOT BECOME A HABIT. So I’m making a new rule for myself: when doing school work I can only chew sugar-free gum and drink non-cal/low-call liquids like water, tea, coffee, and maybe low-cal/no-sugar added hot chocolate (my fav in the winter).

Monday, September 5, 2011

holidays & thighs

I have a love/hate relationship with three-day holiday weekends. I love them because I get an extra day off from work! But, I hate them because they mess up my routine. My weekend was mostly low-key. I visited my parents on Sunday and I found a big box of old photos. I started looking through them and found a bunch of me growing up. I hate to admit it, but I completely jealous of the old me - the old me between the ages of 11-17. I was so young and fresh and slim. Yes, I was awkward then too. But, I was also naturally and effortlessly thin. My thighs especially looking really slim. I want those back!! It was probably due to the fact that I was a growing pre-teen/teen, but I’m trying to think back to what I did at that age. I was a good kid. I didn’t smoke or do drugs. I partied a little, but not a lot because I played sports and we practiced every single day after school and our games were always on the weekends. In middle school I played basketball and soccer and then in high school I ran cross-country and played soccer. I remember snacking a lot after practice. But I also remember lounging around the house during the summer and not snacking because there was “nothing to eat!” in my house.
Looking back at these pictures (which I did take home with me) I also looked much taller then?! How is that possible? I had a growth spurt in middle school and then stopped growing around 14 maybe? I don’t know exactly. I could be way off with that. But I do look taller (even though that’s not possible?). Maybe it’s because I was leaner and less curvy with less hip and thigh action going on then. I want that back!! I have too much “meat” on my bones now. I need to strip off this fat.
I don’t know what my plan is going forward. I think I need a new one though. I don’t feel like I’m making progress with my goals. I start out great and lose Monday through Thursday, but then I gain over the weekend. It’s like this: I starve myself for days then my body gets very tired and hungry and I think “oh I’ll just eat this to reward myself” and I eat something normal, something with a bit of caloric value, something with carbs and/or sugar. And then next morning my weight goes up and I freak. So I get sad and depressed and eat again on Saturday. Then I tell myself I can have one more day of eating before I get back to work on Monday. This needs to stop!! But I’m not sure if I can starve myself for days and weeks and months on end. I did a plan a few years ago and was VERY consistent with it, but I lived with my parents at the time and used them (without them knowing) as a checks-and-balance/food police. So I didn’t snack at all and I didn’t eat poorly because I didn’t want them to see me fail (even though they wouldn’t have cared.. or notice!). Classes start on Wednesday and I’m getting very anxious about having a plan and sticking to it and eating right and getting my workouts in. This interferes with my routine but it’s going to be my new routine for a few years so I better get used to it.
One thing I’m definitely going to do is start running. I think that will help slim down my thighs. I do a lot of cardio on the elliptical right now, so I’m just going to switch it up and RUN. Have any of you girls gotten results from running? Or do you have any suggestions for slimming down your thighs? I know you can’t spot reduces… but maybe you’ve noticed something that has worked for you in the past?

Friday, September 2, 2011


I've been writing blogger posts and then deleting them because I don't feel like they are worth posting. I don't know what's going on with me, but I just feel sad lately. Sad and numb. I'm so tired. Tired of trying. I did fine with my diet and workout plan this week, although I had an graduate school orientation event on Wednesday and a happy hour last night that interfered with my plan. But I feel so blah and indifferent about it all right now. I feel spiritless, like a walking zombie. I want to cry, but I'm too tired to even do that. I feel lost, like I don't know what I'm doing here.

I went out to happy hour with friends last night. M was there with the new boy she's been dating. I realized she is a huge trigger for me. I think that's why I feel the way I do today. She so easily falls in love with boys and they were being really cute last night. He kept kissing her on the head and rubbing her back. I couldn't help but feel jealous. I don't know why I can't have that in my life. I'm so awkward with guys and dating. I don't even know HOW you get from date #1 to kisses on your head and holding hands and having him rub your lower back. I just don't know. Dating scares me so much because I just don't know how to interact with potential boyfriends. I'm 26 and I've never had a serious boyfriend. As I was falling asleep last night was thinking about how I could never picture myself as being that girl that's out in public being affectionate with the guy she's dating. It makes me so sad. I don't want to be alone forever. I started being ridiculous and thinking about how I don't even want to live past 30 if I'm just going to be single my whole life.

I apologize about the depressing tone of all of this. I just don't know what to do. I can't talk to anyone about any of this. I just want love. I just want to be loved...

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

no bloating

Things have been going pretty well. I woke up this morning feeling light and lean. The scale was also down from yesterday, although I will admit that I lost some ground over the weekend so I’m sort of where I was on Friday. Weekends are the worst for me. I say this all the time, but the complete lack of routine/structure makes it really difficult for me to restrict and stick to my workout plan. This past weekend we were also faced with the threat of Hurricane Irene (thankfully the area I live in did not get hit hard), so I basically stayed in all weekend. Snooze. I cleaned my entire apartment from top to bottom (good), but I didn’t count cals and ate more than I should have. I didn’t pig out or anything but just ate enough to undue my progress a bit. Anyway: new day, new week.

Lately, I’ve been noticing the lack of my tummy bloat. I used to have the worst bloating every day. It wasn’t painful but it made me look pregnant. I would leave my apartment in the morning with a nice empty, flat stomach but when I’d get home from work I would have a bloated, pregnant-looking tummy. It was really disturbing. But lately this hasn’t been happening!! I don’t know why exactly. I’ve been trying to think of things that may have changed. Some possibilities: I don’t eat breakfast at all anymore (used to eat a low-cal yogurt or protein shake), I don’t drink caffeinated coffee (I now take supplements that contain caffeine), I no longer buy my lunch (I used to buy a salad from the salad bar every day, but now I pack my own homemade salad). I think those are the only real changes. Hmmm.

Anyway, does anyone watch the Jersey Shore? I can’t get enough of it. Those people are crazy, but the show is so entertaining. The last episode Ronnie and the Situation got into a physically alteration and Ronnie was storming around without a shirt on. At times he would lift his arms up in anger and you could see his ribs from the back. It was amazing!! He is a total “juicehead” and a bit short but he has a nice physique.

Yesterday was good. I’ve come to the realization that Mondays are my best days. I just naturally restrict and I’m naturally motivated to workout. I hit the gym after work and did 60 mins of vigorous elliptical work. Then I jogged/sprinted for 1 mile. Food wise I ate my homemade salad (160), grilled chicken with side of steamed peas (200), and two sugar-free fudgesicles (80). I was going to have tuna over some lettuce to get in more protein, but I was too lazy to prepare it… so I just substituted the tuna with a couple of glasses of wine. Oops.

Rachel B. Nutt: The supplements I take are called Prograde Metabolism. They are pretty pricey and can only be purchased online. I’m almost done with my bottle but I don’t think I’d buy them again. They are ok, but not worth the price (in my opinion).

Friday, August 26, 2011


I weighed in the same today, which I’m ok with. I had a few good losing days in a row so I can’t be greedy. Yesterday was pretty good. I hit the gym after work and did 20 mins of weights for arms/shoulders/chest/back, 15 mins of sprints/jogging, then 20 mins of elliptical. I love that post-workout feel. After the gym I went to CVS to purchase a cheapo flat iron to use while I wait for my other (more expensive) one to get fixed. Sometimes these stores can be a danger zone for me with all the snacks/candy on display. There was a time when I would grab a package of pretzel m&ms almost every time I went there. But yesterday I was really good and still on that post-workout buzz that it didn’t even cross my mind to get anything. It wasn’t even on my radar. I think it was also due to the metabolism supplement that I’ve been taking because that stuff definitely suppresses my appetite. For dinner I made a veggie burger with a side of steamed corn and a glass of wine.

I need to outline my plan for today. Friday-Sunday is when I struggle the most because I subconsciously associate The Weekend with Free For All/No Work and No Rules. I also get really down on myself because I often feel alone over the weekend. The work week keeps me really busy and distracts me from these feelings, but over the weekend I have way to much free time which means way to much free time to think. Anyway, enough of that pity party. I need to be strict with my cal intake today because (1) I’m going out to happy hour drinks after work and (2) I won’t be working out. Tomorrow I plan to eat my first meal at 12pm. I think it will help if I skip breakfast (which I do anyway during the work week) because not eating makes me not hungry, while eating just makes me hungry. If that makes sense? There are weekend days where I’ll get up and immediately eat breakfast… which makes me want to have a snack… then something sweet… then something salty… etc etc. It’s ridiculous. Hurricane Irene is expected to hit the East Coast this weekend so I’m not sure what I’ll be doing this weekend. I definitely need to clean my apartment though, that’s for sure.

By the way, thank you for all the support and the comments you guys leave. I appreciate it!

Thursday, August 25, 2011

losing & love

The scale continues to creep downward. I’m still hovering just slightly above my gw1, but I think if I have a really good day today and tomorrow I could hit it within the next couple of days. Once again, I was surprised to see the loss this morning. I did make it to the gym yesterday (60 mins of cracked-out elliptical and 5 mins of abs) and had a fairly low-cal chicken and veggie stir-fry homemade dinner (180 cals). That was the good part. The not so good part was that I had a 1.5 glasses of wine later on and one too many snacks. They were mostly “healthy” (carrots with hummus, sugar-free fudgesicles, grapes), but in total it was probably around an extra 300 of unplanned calories. It’s quite frustrating because in the moment I have one side of me (the angel?) that knows I shouldn’t and don’t want to be eating these snacks, but then the other side of me (the devil!) says who cares, live a little, try and be normal, you’re hungry, you’re bored, you’re lonely, eat. Blah. I ended the day just slightly over 1000 cals. Hopefully I can be a bit stronger today and (more importantly!) this weekend (which is the hardest part of the week for me).

The boy I drunkenly Facebook friend requested last week accepted the request haha. He didn’t say anything and I’m not planning to say anything either. It is really embarrassing for me. I hate when I do shit like that. I also hate that I’m still alone and single. I wish someone would sweep me off my feet already. I just want to have someone... someone to spend my time with, to confine in, to come home to after a long day at work, to cuddle with and watch movies, to have lazy Sundays with. Ugh why is this my life?! Last night I had a dream that I got engaged to a boy I dated 3 years ago. I was so happy in my dream. In real life this boy just got engaged a month ago. I dated him right out of college. I was really into him (he was the complete package.. gorgeous, smart, funny, kind) but I was young, still living at home, and only saw him once every week or sometimes every two weeks. He lived in the city and was a full-time law student so he didn’t really have for a relationship. Then that summer he took a 4 month internship on the other side of the country and we basically lost touch. That was that. I wish I was capable of loving someone and having someone love me. I don’t want to become an old cat lady maid…

Today I plan to hit the gym again: at least one hour of cardio and resistance training.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

back to my routine

Thank you for all the comments lately! The feedback and support I get from you girls is very motivating and inspiring for me so I want you to know I really appreciate it. In fact, Thin_Evny when I quickly read over your comment I first thought it said “I hope you get your ass to the gym tomorrow” and I thought “wow she’s tough” and told myself I would make sure to hit the gym tomorrow, no excuses. And then I re-read it again and realized it said “I hope I get my ass to the gym tomorrow.” :)

I was down another -1lb this morning. I weighed myself three times while my sister was in the shower because I didn’t believe it, but each time the scale gave me the same number. I’m not going to complain buuuut I’m a little skeptical. We’ll see what the lovely scale tells me tomorrow.

Yesterday was ok. I had coffee for breakfast and then my 150c salad for lunch. After work my sister and I walked around town. I didn’t go to the gym due to my sister’s visit so it was nice to get outside and get some type of exercise in. For dinner, I stuck with avocado maki and edamame (steamed soybeans). My sister ordered soup and an order of the veggie fried rice. She (like many normal food eaters I guess) was really excited about the menu and kept saying “wow that sounds so good” “oooh maybe I should order that” “mmmm that’s what I think I’ll get.” She was practically drooling over the menu haha, which totally turned me off. When people get excited about food I get really turned off and annoyed. (IAMSOWEIRD). Anyway, the rice dish was huge and she kept insisting I take some of it so I put a scoop on my plate, ate one bite, and moved the rest around my plate. I hate the feeling of having food forced upon me. It makes me really angry, when it shouldn’t. Later that night we watched cheesy reality TV and I munched on a string cheese and a sugar-free fudgesicle. This is why I wasn’t expecting to lose this morning. I think I had about 900 cals, but I’m not sure because restaurant food always throws me off.

My sister left this morning and I already miss her. It’s gong to be so quiet when I get home later. The plan for the day is to hit the gym hard and then have a nice low-cal homemade dinner. BTW, this is really random but does anyone have any suggestions for a really good flat iron? The wiring on my $100+ flat iron all f-ed up so I need to get a new one. It’s still under warranty so I’m going to send it back to get fixed, but in the meantime I need to get another one. I’m open to all suggestions and price ranges (I'm thinking of just getting a cheap (but good!) flat iron while I wait for this one to get fixed).

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

sister's visit & control issues

Where do I start? It seems like every time I open blogger I have a million and one thoughts swirling around my head and all of them are trying to get out onto the screen at once. Actually, even when I’m not blogging this seems to be the case. There’s just been so much on my mind lately between life, work, life, love, upcoming school, and life.

My sister got held up yesterday so she didn’t get to my apartment until after dinner time. I was able to make it to the gym and get in a workout (60 mins arc trainer, 5 mins abs, 1 mile walk/jog on treadmill). After that I grilled some yummy chicken and had a side of steamed corn (170c) while I waited for her. We ended up watching tv and talking and munching on hummus/carrots. I was under 650 cals for the day, which was good. These days I’m aiming for 700-900 cals. I’m not sure why. I was looking at some old food/exercise diaries and was in great shape three years ago when I ate 800-1000 calories and worked out 5-6 times per week. So I guess I’m trying to follow that plan. I went to bed feeling “empty” and was very aware of the feeling. It was really nice. The great thing about having my sister in town is that I don’t snack a lot. She’s my food police! I don’t like eating/snacking in front of other people because I feel like a pig, even in its low in cals. So I just had hummus/carrots and called it a night. I can snack all day and night when no one is around to watch/police my eating. This is why I think it would be nice to have a roommate sometimes. Just so I would have someone to use as a food police (and maybe also a social planner!). Right after I finished college I lived with my parents for a year to look for a job and save up some money. This is when my eating issues really got going. I felt like I was in high school again relying on my parents for rides (I didn’t have a car) and eating dinner with them every night. I lived an hour away from the city/my friends so I barely went out during that time. One of the only things I felt I had control over was myself, my body, and my food intake. So I started restricting and exercising a lot. Now that I live alone I have more control over other aspects of my life but I still feel the need to control my body and to get thin and to maintain that thinness. There’s just a whole new wretch that’s been thrown into the mix because it’s just a little to easy to eat an extra snack or two or skip a workout when no one is around to see.

Anyway, I was able to weigh myself this morning while my sister was in the shower. I’m down -1lb from yesterday. Tonight we having Asian cuisine (the restaurant serves both Chinese and Japanese food). I’m thinking of ordering a veggie or avocado maki roll with edamame. I know my sister is going to want to order noodles or rice or something of the like (and I’ll probably be tempted), but I need to say no and stick to my guns.

Monday, August 22, 2011

monday morning

It looks like I’ve picked up a few new followers – welcome!

Monday morning and back to work. After not using an alarm clock for 9 days straight, it was a real struggle to be woken up at 6:30am this morning. Oh well. The plus side is that I don’t hate my job and I actually enjoy what I do and the people I work with. Also, the structure of work really helps me stay on track with eating (or should I say not eating). I feel really “full” today. Like I have too much extra water, and alcohol, and food, and carbs in me. I restrict carbs (bread, pasta, rice, cereal, etc, etc) most of the work week but then “treat” myself a bit over the weekend (rice crackers, fat free Pringles, fiber bars) so by the time Monday rolls around I just feel… heavy. So it’s back to coffee and water and lettuce for this girl! I took a metabolism supplement this morning that has 200mg of caffeine. I feel AWAKE and not hungry at all. One guy in my office likes to bring in bagels every Monday. No thank you. All I’ve has so far is two cups of decaf coffee (I don’t want to OD on caffeine!). I packed a salad with feta (150c) for lunch. After work I plan to go to the gym to do 60-90 mins of cardio. My sister is arriving later today and I hope it doesn’t interfere with my plan. She knows I like to workout everyday so it shouldn’t be an issue. I’m just anxious about dinner and entertaining her. I really don’t want to go out to eat at all. It makes me so anxious and stressed just thinking about having to think about this stuff. It also makes me really anxious to have houseguests even when it’s my own sister! I just worry about how I’m going to “entertain” them. And I get anxious about having my stupid routine being interrupted. No why I’m alone and single. I’m so selfish with my time and my space. I like to be able to do what I want to do, when I want to do, and how I want to do. I feel too comfortable in my own company. When people come over and eat my food and watch my tv and use my laptop I get anxious and sometimes annoyed. And I hate that I feel that why. I usually always end up having a great time and always miss my family/friends once they leave. But right before they come (and sometimes) in the moment I get so stressed. #34534532 of things I need to work on.

Once my sister’s visit is over (she leaves Wednesday morning) I need to outline a plan for myself. If you fail to plan, you can plan to fail. That is so true for me!!

Saturday, August 20, 2011

happiness is a state of mind

I'm trying best to be positive right now, but that's hard to do sometimes when the scale dictates my mood on a daily basis. I'm not going to allow myself to freak out though. That never leads to anything good. I know that.

To recap:

Thursday was my "big event." Last week I made a goal to be at least 120 or lower for the event. I just made it and weighed in at 120 that morning. I wrote about the event in my last post. It was all good and fun. I ate (more than usually) and drank.

Friday was a mostly unproductive day. I know I'm getting old when it takes me a full day to recover from a night of drinking hard liquor. I spent most of the day in bed. I weighed myself and the scale was up from the day before.. due to the event food/drinks but also my period which happily greeted me when I woke up. UGH I was hungover and exhausted and bloated all day. I skipped breakfast and lunch and got a sandwich and soup for dinner. I hadn't eaten a sandwhich in the longest time! But after starving myself for days I decided to "treat" myself to it. Also, I felt like shit. I went to the gym even though I felt gross and did 20 mins of weights and 45 mins on the elliptical. I ate rice crackers after I got home.

Today I woke up and weight myself and AGAIN my weight was up. I really don't want to freak out about it because I KNOW that it's the extra food sitting in my gut, the alcohol from the past 3 days, and my period. It takes 3500 calories to gain one pound of fat. I have to keep reminding myself this because if I don't I risk throwing all of my progress out the window and "binging" on junk and fatty foods to help soothe my frustration and depression. I know myself and I know that cycle well.

Today I'm going to try and stay positive. I'm visitng my sister and have already had toast with peanut butter for breakfast. I don't allow myself to buy and store these foods (my favorite) in my own apartment, so when I visit family and they have these "forbidden" foods I usually eat them. The portions are controlled since I don't like to look like a fatty/eat a lot in front of others. Tomorrow I may do a fast 5. Monday-Wednesday morning my sister will be staying with me. This means dinners out. I'm sort of freaking out about it already because I get very anxious when my routine gets interrupted. I will still workout, but eating will be a wild card.

Friday, August 19, 2011

ME thursday

Today was okay. The scale went down again this morning but i didn't hit my gw1 of 119 even. I was very close though, which is encouraging. I spent most of the day running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to make sure i was perfect for my "big event." I worked on my tan, exercised, cleaned, went shopping for a new top, then got ready. I settled on a dress with brown sandal wedges. I felt pretty good about myself. I felt like I was put together and looked "cute." The event was okay. I went with my friend A and we didn't really know anyone else, which was fine. There was one guy I saw who I sort of know through friends of friends. I have the biggest crush on him because I think he's really cute, but of course we've never actually had a conversation before. And OF COURSE I sent him a drunk facebook friend request on my way home tonight. FML. This is why I have awful luck with guys and why I am still single. My friend A is at least 10lbs heavier than me yet she seems to attract the guys. Is thinner really the winner? If so, then why do I always feel like such a loser when A and I go out? Granted, she's very aggressive when it comes to guys. But still. I just don't get it...

Sometimes I just hate myself and the way I operate. I can't "settle" when it comes to guys. I can't just date to date. I always find something wrong with the guy. I always want the one that I can't have (for whatever reason that may be). I wish I was more adventurous. I wish I was more outgoing. That I took more risks. That I was more fun. That I was more talkative and engaging. And that I was good enough to date. I facebook requested/friended my "crush" (who I've never actually spoken to before, but have seen on occasion) at 12:20pm... I bet my bottom dollar that he doesn't accept. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I wish you could take back a friend request... FMLLLL.