june challenge

I'm back with a new challenge. I have a big event next weekend that I want/need to look fantastic for so I need to get my ass in gear! I'm doing a low calorie, low carb, low fatg diet with pilates, 30DS, and cardio thrown in. Yesterday was technically my Day 1 and I did pretty good overall, but ended up having some fruit last night (pineapple, peaches, strawberries). It wasn't HORRIBLE, but it wasn't on my plan. I need to be super strict and stay on my plan because of the short deadline. I have a party this Saturday too so I'll use that as a cheat night since I'll be drinking. I'll have to keep it in check though. The mind will want to quit far earlier than the body, and I will need to remember that. This is really more of a mental/mind challenge than anything else. 11 days left. I can do this.

day 4: feeling better

I'm down 1.6 lbs from yesterday, making it a total weight loss of 6.2 lbs since Tuesday morning. I'm pretty proud of myself for making it through the day yesterday in spite of all the obstacles. It felt good to be able to step on the scale this morning knowing that I consumed nothing but juice and water the day before. I'm still going strong today but I plan to end my juice fast tonight. I'm thinking baked or grilled fish with a nice big salad. We'll see. It's Friday and I'm dreading going home after work. I keep thinking about what I want to do after work. Typically, I go to the grocery/convenience store on my way home and stock up on snack foods. I never realized how much eating was such a hobby for me. Gross. I'm not doing that today. I was thinking of either going shopping or just going to the gym. It's so hot out there though. I'm really not sure I want to be walking around right now. BUT I'm also so lazy so I don't really want to hit the gym either. We'll see what I end up doing. Either way, I'm not doing the whole Friday night junk food freenzy thing!

day 3: i feel like poop

I'm down 5 lbs since Tuesday morning, but I still feel like shit. I get into these sad/depressed moods sometimes. They especially come about when I'm dieting or not eating enough (especially carbs). I just get sad and depressed and moody and tired. I can't stand to be around anyone and everything hurts - my body, my mind, and my soul. I just ache. That's the best way I can explain it. I don't know. I just get sad. I hate being rejected, ignored, or unappreciated and I feel like that's been happening. I also feel "different" because I can't or won't partake in normal activities like everyone else. For instance, we had an ice cream/frozen yogurt party at work today and everyone was making their own ice creams and talking and laughing but I didn't join in. I wanted to stay strong with my juice fast. I haven't told anyone I'm doing it though so people kept asking me to join in on the ice cream and I just kept saying "oh in a bit" which really meant "no thank you." I just felt left out even though I chose to be. Then last night I left a friendly note on my upstairs neighbors' door informing them that the apartment floors are very thin and the noise travels downwards so if they could just keep that in mind when walking around, etc I would really, really appreciate it. Well this morning I woke up and the girl was still stomping around like an elephant. I seriously cannot handle the stomping. It drives me crazy and keeps me up most nights. I just felt ignored and disrespected when I heard her this morning. I wish I was strong enough to go up there and confront her face to face. I'm sure she's not intending to stomp, but at the same time I'm terrified of having a real in person conversation about that. I hate myself for that. I think the lack of carbs messes with my chemical balance. I get so sensitive and sad and depressed. I want to finish this out though. I really wanted to juice through Friday but i will take it one day at a time. I'll get through tonight then see how I feel tomorrow.

days 1 & 2

So far, so good. I've done two full days of juicing so far. It's so much easier (both physically mentally) to do this during the week as opposed to the weekend! I'm so distracted my work and school that I don't even have time to think about food or juice or any of it. The thing about juicing is that (at least for me) it completely eliminates my appetite. I'm not sure if I'm just distracted or if the juice fills me up with enough nutrients so that my body is happy, but whatever it is its working to diminish my hunger. I still consume juice during my usually breakfast, lunch, and dinner times plus one after dinner as a snack so it does feel like I'm constantly consuming my juice, which helps. I've also been really good about sticking to my 30DS schedule. I finished day 2 of level 2 today. Holy shit, I forgot how how tough level 2 is! I've been getting all the way through the workout but it definitely has been kicking my ass! I'm excited to get tone and fit again. I still need to hit the gym for cardio and HIIT so I can get rid of this belly flab.

update

I plan to start a juice fast tomorrow. My goal is 3 days, but I might extend it to Friday if I can. I've only done 3-day weekend juice fasts, so this work-week juice fast will be a new experience for me. Hopefully, I can get through the workday on just juice. I really need this because I was pretty bad this past weekend. It was Memorial Day weekend and my sister was in town, which meant I basically allowed myself to eat what I wanted, when I wanted. We did a lot of eating on the go and eating out at restaurants. I didn't keep track of my calories and I haven't weighed myself since Friday, so who knows where I stand right now. I plan to weigh in tomorrow morning. I'm so nervous for that. I've still being doing the 30DS. I didn't do it today or yesterday, but I managed to do it every day before that. I can already feel myself getting strong and the workouts are getting easier by the day. Tomorrow I will begin Level 2. It's a huge step up from Level 1, but I'm ready for it. Before I do 30DS I'm going to go to the gym and do 30 minutes of cardio. I don't want to overextend myself because I'll be juice fasting. But I think ~60 minutes of working out should be fine.

"before" pictures

This is really hard to do. I'm not happy with my body and every day I'm consumed by this thought. However, I want to post pictures to hold myself accountable. I may remove them later today or tomorrow but for now I will post them here. Theses are my 30 Day Shred "before" photos. You may not be able to see my trouble spots that clearly, but because I am my biggest critic I can see them easily. My goal: eliminate my lower belly pooch/get a flat stomach, lose the batwing flab, get rid of the armpit fat, tone and slim my thighs. Hopefully, I can achieve this by the end of the 30 days (or st least make significant progress toward these goals).

juice fast & 30DS

Today was good. I woke up and immediately did the 30 day shred. It was tough, but I got through it. I like the structure of the 30 day shred and the idea that there's an end to it all (after 30 days). I'm going to try my best to do it every single day for the next 30 days, even if that means waking up early or doing it at 10-11pm at night before I go to bed.

I also started a juice fast today. It was a spontaneous decision that I made last night, but I've been able to stick to it all day. I really, really want to eat something right now but I know I shouldn't. I know I should stay strong and finish this juice fast like I had planned to do. It's hard though. I'm not going out tonight and I keep thinking to myself that I should allow myself to eat something small since I'm not going out and consuming alcohol calories. lkfajsdlfkajs

Anyway, after I did the 30 day shred I went to my haircut appointment. Then I walked around the city for a while and came out and cleaned my apartment from top to bottom. I literally spent 4.5 hours cleaning every single corner of my apartment, dusting, vacuuming, re-organizing my closet. It was a lot of work, but it needed to be done and now I'm happy that everything is super clean! I'm sure all that housecleaning also burned a ton of calories, which is always a plus.

day 2 & 3

So things have gone downhill since Day 1. It's really, really difficult for me to resume a challenge once I've taken a break. After my event Thursday night, I came home and ate two luna bars because I was still hungry. Then today I had a large salad with extra toppings (croutons, dried cranberries, etc.) at lunch and the went out with a friend for dinner and drinks. So basically, I've already failed. Tomorrow I plant o start a juice fast. I may or may not go out tomorrow night, at which point I will be breaking my juice fast with alcohol so I might nee to eat some food to make sure I don't get sick. IDK. It's so, so hard to restrict and be social at the same time. I've said this before and I'll say it again: the only way for me to successful restrict and lose is to be a hermit and not go out with my friends. So it seems that I can either choose to be lonely, miserable, isolated and skinny OR social, happy, and fat. Ugh.

Goals: do the 30 day shred again to get tone. Run 3 miles at least 4 days per week. Lose 10 lbs asap.

day 1

Today has been a good day, but Day 1's are usually the best days. I stayed within my calorie range and had a protein shake (b), all veggie salad (l), tuna on lettuce (s), grilled chicken with broccoli, cauliflower, carrots (d), and a few pistachio nuts (s). After work I went to the gym and did 3 miles of HIIT on the treadmill, 25 minutes of weights, and then another 30 minutes on the elliptical. I had a ton of energy that helped me power through the workout, but I was definitely exhausted by the end of it all. I can't wait to see what the scale says tomorrow. I'm hoping to drop some water weight to help motivate me.

I'm excited to do this. I'm excited for summer. And I'm excited to get my bikini body back. Tomorrow is my fundraiser/dinner event. I think the plan will be to eat most of the foods I ate today, but take out the snacks.

10 day challenge

I plan to embark on a personal 10-day challenge starting tomorrow. I will restrict to 700-900 calories per day of high protein, low carb, low fat foods and I workout at least 7 of those days. I have a dinner/party event on Thursday so I will substitute some food calories for alcohol calories and may even adjust my calorie limit upward. We'll see. I'm doing this because summer is right around the corner and I'm still fat. Still not bikini ready. And I need to structure an discipline of this plan. It's hard, difficult, and grueling as shit but it gets me results. So I will need to suck it up and just do it for the next 10 days. Next Friday my sister is flying into town for the long weekend and we're going to be shopping all weekend so I want to be/feel skinny.

The juice fast I did last month went really well. I lost 7lbs or something ridiculous over the 3 days. It was great and I felt fantastic (light and full of energy). But, of course, since then my eating has let up and I've gained the weight back. I went on vacation to Florida last week and ate ice cream, pizza, dinner rolls, etc. I really can't control myself anymore. It's either all or nothing. Just a few years ago I was so, so disciplined and would eat so clean. I had a flat stomach, toned arms, toned thighs, etc. Now I look so pudgy and untoned.

I tried to get into the Tracy Anderson DVDs (again). I'm sure I would get awesome results if I did them consistently - especially in my arms - but the working out at home with DVDs bores me to death. I have no motivation to workout in my apartment. I NEED to get out of apartment and go to the gym or even just outside when I workout. It's all mental.

This 10-day challenge is going to be all mental too, which is why I plan to make daily posts in here to hold me accountable. If I don't post please call me out on it!!

it's been a while..

I haven't posted since October 2012. I've been trying to get over my food issues and become healthy. Instead, I've gained fat, loss muscle, and wake up each morning hating what I see in the mirror. So with that, I'm back. For the time being, anyway. I've been in such a funk lately. Work is stressful and my love life has been a roller coaster, but deep down I know it's my body/weight that's making me always feel really down and out. It all stems from that. When I'm skinny and tone, I feel better about myself. I have more confidence, I'm more outgoing, and I'm just more happy overall. But these days I feel (and look) gross. And with summer right around the corner, I need to take a hold of the situation. So the action plan is to kick start my personal summer fat loss goal with a 3-day juice fast this weekend. I did one back in early September of 2012 and it went really well. I lost about 6lbs and felt awesome. The only downside is that I must be a hermit and not go out with friends, family, etc. because otherwise I'll be tempted to eat and drink booze. So this weekend I'm going to have a "me" weekend filled with juicing, shopping, cleaning, and relaxing. Wish me luck!

skinny comments

It's been a while. I haven't been able to post because I've just been so busy with work and school. I had exams all week, which meant a whole lot of books and studying and very little sleep and social life. Tonight I finally met up with one of my best friends for dinner. I was really anxious about going because I get anxious when I'm not in control of my meals, plus I was trying to lose weight before my Halloween party (tomorrow night). I ended up going over to her house and we ordered in, which actually worked out because I was able to get a salad with grilled chicken. We drank wine, caught up, and had a ton of fun and I was leaving she made one of those uncomfortable "skinny" comments.. you know those comments where someone tells you that you look skinny (her exact words: "you look really skinny!"). I get so uncomfortable because I don't know how to respond. I don't want to tell her "oh good, cause I've been starting myself all week so yeah I'm glad you noticed a difference." Nope, can't say that. So instead I just said "oh, must be the stress!" Ugh. I don't know. I mean it's great to hear those words "you look skinny" but then I think "wait, wtf did I look like before then?" I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

I feel good about my Halloween costume. It's a super cute semi-tight dress and I had to get spanx-like shapewear because you CAN SEE EVERYTHING, which means I can't wear a thong. And no underwear is a no go because I don't want my butt to jiggle around all night. I hope you all are doing well. I noticed that many of you have deleted your blogs :(

what a difference a week makes

Ugh, where to start. I feel gross. I woke up this morning ate breakfast and was still hungry so I ate a snack, then another, and another. I was mistaking my exhaustion for hunger. Fuck. Instead of eating 100's of calories I should have just gone back to bed. I'm still so tired. I've been tired all day. And have had no motivation to do anything. I haven't even worked out today.

Seriously, what a difference a week makes. Last weekend I was on top of the world. I was doing my juice fast/cleanse, felt great, and had a ton of energy. This weekend all I feel like doing is staying in so I can hid from the world and snack all day. Ugh, I just feel gross and like I'm back at square one. All that hard work I did last weekend seems like it has been cancelled out now. I really should be cleaning my apartment, doing homework for next week, and going out with friends. Instead, I'm sitting on the couch eating stuff I shouldn't be.

I really, really, really want to fast tomorrow and possibly Monday. Monday night I have a 3-hour class after work. I've never fasted on a work+school day so I don't know if I could go that long on nothing but I'll try. Maybe even a fast-5. Either way, the plan is to fast tomorrow. A friend is throwing a big party tomorrow to celebrate the beginning of football season. He's making homemade chili and some other food. I know everyone will just be sitting around watching the game and eating food and drinking beer. I already told him I probably can't make it because I have other plans. I really hate that I've fallen right back to where I started pre-juice cleanse. FML

weird day

Today has been a strange day. I don’t really know how to explain it. Maybe I’m tired or maybe it’s the rain, but all I want to do is go home and get under the covers and hid from the world. Instead, I get to go to class tonight. School’s back in session so two nights per week I’ll be going to class after a full day of work. I generally like school and love the people in my classes, but I’m not totally feeling it today. I don’t know. I’m just in a funk. I was getting anxious about all of this and I found myself in front of the vending machine. Of course, there was a person behind me in line so I had to make my choice quickly – 1.5 oz bag of Goldfish. Ugh, the moment it came out I was like “I don’t even want this.” But I ended up eating it because I was so stressed and anxious about having to go to school. I always eat when I’m stressed. So 200 calories later and my mood has gotten worse. Now all I can think about is this unhealthy, carby snack sitting in my stomach and the fact that I won’t be going to the gym today because of school. Ugh.

Also, my weight was up this morning but I knew that was going to happen after my juice cleanse finished. But now I’m nervous that it’s going to be up again tomorrow morning because of these damn Goldfish. Also, we’re going to the bar after class tonight to celebrate “back to school.” Then tomorrow we're getting free pizza for lunch at work (ew, skipping) and then out for drinks after work (not skipping). All I can say is that I see another fast-5/fasting cleanse in my near future. :( I was contemplating doing a fast-5 tomorrow but I don't want to get drunk in front of my boss/co-workers so I better put some food in my stomach.

I did more clothes shopping today (online). You'd think retail therapy would cheer me up, but instead I have buyers remorse because I feel like I've been spending way too much $$$ these days. Ugh, I can't wait until this day is o-v-e-r.

Post-cleanse

Thanks for all the encouraging comments. The 3-day juice cleanse went very well. There were a few instances (especially on day 3) when I wanted to cave in a eat a solid food, but my willpower and self-disciple came out on top and stayed strong all three days. It was so gratifying to prove to myself that I could do something that I put my mind to!

I stepped on the scale this morning and was almost -6 lbs down from pre-juice cleanse! I'm very happy about this and super motivated to keep that scale number going down. However, as I was back to eating food today I realized that I will probably gain some of that back since some of it is water weight :( I MUST remind myself of this when I step on the scale tomorrow morning so that I don't freak out and get discouraged.

Today has been pretty good. I went back to work and that was tough after a long holiday weekend. Eating was good. I've had about 800 cals and I think I'm done for the day. I broke my juice cleanse with a nice juicy apple for breakfast and it was perfect. Veggie salad for lunch and soup for dinner then apple, tuna, and a hard boiled egg for snacks in between. I also hit the gym and did 1 hour of hardcore cardio. I'm hoping to keep this up, although I have post-work events on Wed. and Thus. so I won't be able to hit the gym the next two days. This just means I have to keep my cals in check.

I think I'd really like to do a juice cleanse maybe once every month or two. It feels great, but it's not easy.

Update

Day 3 is almost over. I did end up getting my butt out of the house. I went to the mall and picked up the St. Tropez Tanning Mousse. I can't wait to use it later tonight! I also got a new lip gloss but saved 10% because of the holiday sales. It feels good to indulge in myself every now and then. I don't spend money on nice things like this often so when I do it makes me feel good.

So.. I've been in a strange mood all day today. I woke up feeling very lonely. I could have gone to visit friends or my family, but I didn't want to be tempted by food. Every time I around people they are always eating or want to go out to eat because it's a social thing to do. I couldn't risk it so I decided to not even put myself in that situation. Anyway, early today I found out that a few of my friends went away for the Labor Day weekend without me. I felt extremely left out to say the least. I know that I would have declined the invitation to go anyway because 1) i had a hair appt and 2) I wasn't feeling good about my body/I didn't want to be in a bikini, and 3) I wanted to try out this cleanse. But, still I felt very upset that I was invited by my one girlfriend. The two guys that live there wouldn't have invited any of us girls anyway. But M (whose parents live there) and A (who doesn't have any family there) and I were talking a few weeks (months?) back about how it would be fun to go away for Labor Day weekend. I never heard anything from M and A, but apparently M invited A to go and not me. Granted, A has been to M's before (and is closer to M) but I just felt to out of the loop. Whatever, I'm over it. I'm not going to be mad. Maybe she had family up there and there was only room for one guest. Anyway, I ran into one of the guys as I was coming home from the mall and he was all "hey how was your weekend? yea mine was great!" and I knew he probably spent a good portion of it hanging out with M and A. I didn't say anything about the girls and he didn't either. I just said I had a great weekend, visited my family, etc. Anyway, I'm over it. 

The plan for tonight: nice hot shower, try out my new self-tanning, movie/tv time, bed early, weigh in in the AM (can't wait!).

juice cleanse - day 3

It's about 3pm on day 3 of my 3-day juice cleanse. Today has been the most difficult day so far. I'm just really lazy and I haven't left my apartment all day so all the free time is making me antsy and all the tv watching with food commercials is making me hungry. I'm still going strong though! So far I've had 2.5 bottles of juice. I woke up with a completely flat stomach and over -4 lbs down from before my juice cleanse started. One of the biggest motivators today is tomorrow morning and being able to step on the scale to see how much I've lost on 3 days of juice fasting. Can't wait.

I'm trying to muster up enough energy to get my butt out of here. I want to go buy the St. Tropez Self-tanning Mousse so I can get tanner. I haven't been able to tan much this summer and I'm way to pale for post-Labor Day weekend. This weekend juice cleanse has been awesome but I also need to get my butt back in the gym. I basically took the weekend off to focus on cleansing and making sure my body was working on detoxing itself rather than repairing my muscles, etc. Starting tomorrow it's back to the gym though. I want to kickup my cardio regime and do more running.

I'll update later with how the rest of my juice cleanse goes today.

juice cleanse - day 2

I'm having another great juice cleanse day. I slept 9 hours, woke up refreshed and lighter, did my hair, had some coffee and juice and then left the house. I spent 5 hours walking around the city (20,000 steps according to fitbit!). I got my nails done and then hit the mall and bought another work skirt, work shirt, and cute weekend tank). Now I need to find some fall cardigans and shoes for fall. I was contemplating buying a gold-rose watch for myself but I think I might put that on hold. I'd rather spend $200 on boots than a watch. I don't know. I don't usually make such large, expensive purchases like $200 watches for myself. It's so much money to spend on one item that I won't even be wearing every day. It's more of a treat than a necessity so that's why I keep putting it off. I think the idea of it is more intriguing than actually owning it. If I can get a really, really good deal then maybe I'll buy one for myself. We'll see...

I found a nice organic market that had a juice bar inside and ordered a carrot, beet, celery, ginger juice. It was delicious! And made for the perfect lunch. Then I walked back across town and went to Whole Foods to get my juices for tomorrow. Here, I decided to splurge a bit and buy the $10 White Cashew detox juice that I mentioned the other day. That's going to be my "dinner" tomorrow night/the last juice I have for my 3-day juice cleanse.

After I got home from Whole Foods I was hungry. I was so tempted to bite into one of the apples I bought (for later this week), but instead I took a nice, long nap. Naps are the best. I always forget how great they make me feel. I was so refreshed and relaxed when I woke up.

Now I'm drinking green tea. I'm going to clean up a bit and then watch a movie and drink "dinner" haha. Then I'll read and hit the sack early again. This is turning out to be a really nice/much needed relaxing weekend

Quick Update

I slept 9 hours last night and feel great. I woke up with a flat stomach (no bloat!!) and almost -3 lbs down from yesterday morning before I started my juice cleanse. 

Yesterday turned out to be a successful day. I had energy to do the things I wanted to do and then I just came home and relaxed. I caught up on some TV, read Fifty Shades of Grey (omfg), then went to bed early. 

Today my plan is to WALK (35-45 minutes) to the mall, do some shopping, get my nails done, then walk to the juice bar (a real juice bar where they juice your order on the spot!), and then come home. Then I'll probably clean, maybe watch movie, and read. Oh, and I'm going to do some pilates today. Did I mention that Miley Cyrus is my new motvation??! Ok I really don't like her all that much, but her bod is killer right now. Apparently, she does loads and loads of pilates these days. I'll leave you with this:

juice cleanse - day 1

My juice cleanse/detox has been going well so far. So far I've had 32oz of juice today. I got mixed up and thought I was allowed to have 4 servings of juice, but really it's 4 bottles (2 servings/bottle) so I have two more bottles to go! The juices are really yummy and I feel great. Not hungry for food at all.

I realized that I'm going to be a hermit this weekend. I really can't be around people when I'm trying to NOT eat. This is fine, really. I did go visit my parents this afternoon, which was nice. This morning I went to the hair salon and got a haircut then did some shopping afterwards. I got a work skirt, a work shirt, a going out/weekend top, and two pairs of earrings. There are so many Labor Day sales! I think I'm going to get up early and go shopping again tomorrow, get my nails done, and then venture over the the Juice Bar across town.

I really, really want to have some wine this weekend, but I'm pretty sure that's against the whole juice cleanse/detox thing. Grrr.