new blog!

I'm starting fresh with a new blog name because my outgoing comments keep showing up in people's Spam Folder and I have NO IDEA how to fix that. So hopefully this resolves the problem. *fingers crossed*

Today was a good day. Last night I slept 9 1/2 hours so I woke up super rested and ready to take on the day. I made a quick cup of coffee and hit the gym at 9am, which was awesome because it was practically empty. I did 15 mins of HIIT and 40 mins on the elliptical then a 10 min jog home. I felt great. I treated myself to an iced coffee and egg white, spinach, feta wrap (280) at Starbucks. After "brunch" I went shopping and bought new foundation and new running shoes. I walked an extra 20 mins out of the way (extra 40 mins round trip) to the big supermarket and got hummus, feta, and big red grapes that were on sale for $1.99/lb. I thought I was saving but I guess I picked out a large batch because the grapes were $5.60!!! Way too much to be spending on grapes. I contemplated buying one of those ready-made turkey sandwiches but they were like $6 (not worth it!) and I was still pretty full from my Starbucks wrap so I didn't buy it.

I walked all the way home and had some pretzels with hummus then tired out my new running shoes. I ran/walked outside for maybe 45 mins and it was great. The weather was absolutely beautiful today. A perfect summer day. My parents came over around 7pm and we ended up doing pizza for dinner. I ate two slices, meh. I hardly ever eat takeout pizza and I got a lot of exercise in so I'm hoping it balances out. I'm not weighing myself until Monday morning though, just in case.

(photo removed)

friday

This week has been really long. Work has been busy and each day I get home I’m exhausted. I’m so happy it is Friday! I don’t have anything planned for tonight so I’ll probably do some house cleaning (maybe laundry) and watch a good movie or two. I want to get a good night’s rest. Tomorrow I plan to workout in the morning and then go shopping before my parents come to visit. We are going out to dinner but I’m not sure where. I’m not being super restrictive with my eating right now. I’m not tracking every single one of my calories and I have been eating some not so great foods (tortilla chips/salsa, lean cuisine pizza, chocolate, etc), but I’ve been trying to balance it out with working out. I’m still down from Monday’s weigh-in so as long as I don’t go back up to that (or worse: past that weigh) then I’m okay with it. Once Monday hits I’m going back to restricting/strict calorie counting. I have an event on Thursday and I want to look really, really good so I’m using that as Motivation.

Nothing else new is going on in my life. Sometimes I feel like such a boring person. I’m not very social so I only go out with friends 1-2 times per week. Monday through Thursday I basically have the same schedule: wake up à work à gym à shower à dinner à tv/internet à bed. Then I’ll go out with friends on Friday and/or Saturday night. Sometimes during the work week I’ll meet up with friends for happy hour drinks or (rarely) dinner.

My schedule is going to be changing pretty drastically starting next month though. I’m going to graduate school part-time. So two nights per week I’ll be taking 3-hour classes at one of the universities here in the city. It’s going to be quite demanding and time consuming but the pay off will be worth it. The whole program will take me about 3 years to complete (that is, if I take classes in the fall, spring, AND summer). I’m nervous to go back to school but I think it will be a good thing for me to put myself out of my comfort zone. Ha, so much easier said than done though, right?

good start & trigger

Down -3lbs from yesterday. Water weight, I’m sure, but it’s still really motivating to see the scale go down! I stuck to my plan yesterday and I plan to do the same today. I ate my breakfast this morning and have planned out my meals for the rest of the day. All in all, I should be at 900 cals by the end of the day. My workout was great yesterday. I did: arms/chest/back/shoulders, 10mins of sprints/jogging, and 40mins of elliptical. Today I’m going back to the gym and doing 20-30mins of sprints/jogging and 30-40mins of elliptical. I’m going to try to get 8 hours of sleep tonight too. My body is really tired today and I’m not sure if it is because of the lack of food or lack of sleep or both. Either way, I’m going to do my best to hit the sack early tonight and pay very close attention to my body. I don’t want to continue that cycle of restrict/overeat. I have a dinner date tomorrow night so that will break up my restrictive eating plan. I’m not going to overeat or anything (I plan to order a salad or fish/veggies), but I think it will give me a good (plan and mental) break mid-week.

I recently realized that one of my really big triggers is my friend M. She gets involved with really questionably guys and stays in relationships with them even though she would rather not be with them. In other words, she can’t be alone. I, on the other hand, have always been alone. Since I’ve known her I have never had a serious long-term boyfriend only hookups and on/off guys in my life. I have my own issues (can’t commit, can’t connect, scared of intimacy, etc) that I know I need to work out. But it really bothers me that she hops from guy to guy. She was in a long-term relationship with a guy who was OK but I would never date him. He was arrogant and not that great looking, but he liked her and cared about her. They almost got married even though she wasn’t head over heels for him, but they broke up before that happened. Weeks later she hopped into a “relationship” with another guy. She slept with him within a day or two before even going on a date. (I could never do that!) She liked him a lot and stayed with him for a year even though he was sleeping with other girls. (Once again, I could never be with someone if they were sleeping with other people and I knew about it!). Recently she met another guy through a mutual friend. She told me 2-3 times that she doesn’t know how she feels about him… that he isn’t really her type... and that he says questionable things etc. She asked me what she should do and I said just have fun with it and go out! So she did…she’s gone on 3 dates with him in the past 5 days. I don’t know why this bothers me. I guess maybe I’m just really upset that she can just dive into these relationships yet I can’t. I’ve had guys peruse me but I haven’t been interested in them so I don’t let it go anywhere. I want to be loved though. I want someone to love me, to care about me, to think about me when we’re apart. I’m always alone. I wake up alone, commute to work alone, workout alone, cook dinner alone, go to bed alone. Wow, I sound pathetic. Anyway, my friend M is weird about details because she nonchalantly mentions going on these dates a day or two after they happen and doesn’t go into details. Whereas when I meet or go out with a guy (or crush on H) I give her so many details and play-by-plays.

monday

I woke up this morning still full from yesterday so I skipped my planned breakfast (200 cals). I overindulged yesterday/this weekend knowing that I would be putting myself on a restrictive eating plan for the next couple of weeks. I’m not going to let it get my down. I’m focusing on the day ahead. So here’s the eating plan: breakfast: none, lunch: chopped veggie salad with feta and balsamic vinegar (180), snack: carrots with hummus (135), protein shake (120), dinner: grilled chicken with steamed broccoli and corn (190), snack: wasa crackers with laughing cow cheese (125), sf fudgesicle (40). After work I’m going to hit the gym HARD and do 20 mins of arms/chest/back, 20 mins of sprinting/jogging, and 40 mins of elliptical. I’m excited to get back on track.

I forgot to mention yesterday that when I went out Saturday night I wore skinny jeans, a white tank and wedges and my friend kept saying how “tiny” and “small” I looked in my jeans. This is the second time in two weeks someone has complimented me in my jeans and both times I just kind of shrugged it off and played it down saying “oh no no, I always wear these…” I’m at a pretty high weight right now so I’m not sure how I can look small and tiny. Plus, I don’t want to hear those kinds of things right now because I don’t want to starting thinking that I’m actually tiny and small because then I will most likely let up on my plan.

I’m at work right now and my co-worker is eating a bagel with (probably full fat) cream cheese. I don’t know why but I get really annoyed when he eats stuff like this. He often talks about losing weight and dieting but then he goes out and gets bagels and big sandwiches and burritos, etc. It makes me so mad even though it doesn’t directly affect me. Ugh, I don’t know why that is. 

plan details

I've been having a really lazy (rainy) Sunday. I spent all day watching movies, napping, and mapping out my plan for the next two weeks. I'm going go do 900-1000 calories of healthy foods like ff yogurt, salad, lean chicken, veggies, hummus, and protein shakes, etc. I bought groceries over the weekend and just finished chopping up my veggies (peppers, carrots, red onion, tomatoes, etc) for my lunch salads for work. I know I originally said I was going to do 1000-1200 cals per day, but that just seems way too high when I write out different food and meal combinations. So, yeah, I'm going to do 900-1000 and maybe give myself more leeway over the weekends. BUT I need to be really, really disciplined and careful over the weekends because that's when I slip up.

Workout-wise I'm going to hit the gym hard. My goal is to get in there 6 days per week and do at least 40-60 mins of cardio and then alternate days with arms/chest/back and then abs. So that's the plan!

I went out last night with one of my best friends and her boyfriend and I had a ton of fun despite the fact that I felt dirty. I didn't wash my hair because I wasn't planning to go out but she called me and convinced me to come up. Despite having dirty hair and getting dressed/doing makeup in about 20 minutes I surpringly got hit on quite a bit, which felt nice.

I'm ready for the week to begin now and ready to lose, lose, lose.

ugh

I keep losing the same 2-5lbs over and over. You think that I would do something about this by now, but I just don't know how to break the cycle. I restrict and starve for 4 days then I go on a feeding freeny for 2-3 days. I mean, I start each week with a positive mindset and all the good intentions, but by the end of the week and over the weekend I always end up giving in to food and booze. I think I'm 123 right now. I don't even want to weigh myself. UGH.

So where do I go from here?

Well, starting Monday I'm going to try to up both my calories and my workouts to kick start my metabolism. I'll eat around 1000-1200 calories and do lots and lots of cardio. I want to try and put a string of days together maybe 10 or so. I don't want to set myself up for failure but I want to do some sort of mini self challenge. I really think I can do it if I can somehow keep a positive mindset and not get so sad and depressed.

Happy weekend!

thursday

I’ve been noticing a trend. I start out my work week strong and focused but by the end I’m spent. I’m absolutely spent. And I’m sad. I get depressed and extremely fatigued. I lose motivated and I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to restrict, I want to skip my gym workouts, I want to bail on happy hour with my girlfriends, and I just want to go home and curl up in front of the tv with 100-calorie popcorn and diet coke. Today I feel horrible – absolutely horrible. I’m tired even though I slept 8.5 hours last night and I’m depressed. Even last night I was sad and depressed. I can’t focus on anything but the shitty parts of my life. I’m trying to snap myself out of it today all and pump myself up to go running after work. I just really need to readjust this plan because it just isn’t working for me.

I skipped breakfast and lunch on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. My work friend is on vacation this week so it was easy to get away with not eating lunch at the office. I felt good and empowered and energized during those days. I did a double workout on Monday and worked out yesterday as well. I’m down 3lbs since Sunday so that’s good. I’m not sure what’s going to happen tomorrow though because it’s only 1:30pm and I’ve already eaten lunch (200c of salad topped with tuna) and a pack of those stupid snackwell cookies (210c). I’m just feeling so out of it today so I told myself that the sugar will wake me up so I can run later today.

I want a flat, hard stomach more than anything. I used to have great abs back when I was playing sports – effortlessly great abs. But now they are shit. You can’t see them because I have a layer of fat covering them. I guess the good news/glass half full side of it is that I know what to do to get back there. I just need to consistently burn more calories than I eat and do sprint workouts, because that’s what worked really well for me before. Sigh.