day 1

Today has been a good day, but Day 1's are usually the best days. I stayed within my calorie range and had a protein shake (b), all veggie salad (l), tuna on lettuce (s), grilled chicken with broccoli, cauliflower, carrots (d), and a few pistachio nuts (s). After work I went to the gym and did 3 miles of HIIT on the treadmill, 25 minutes of weights, and then another 30 minutes on the elliptical. I had a ton of energy that helped me power through the workout, but I was definitely exhausted by the end of it all. I can't wait to see what the scale says tomorrow. I'm hoping to drop some water weight to help motivate me.

I'm excited to do this. I'm excited for summer. And I'm excited to get my bikini body back. Tomorrow is my fundraiser/dinner event. I think the plan will be to eat most of the foods I ate today, but take out the snacks.

10 day challenge

I plan to embark on a personal 10-day challenge starting tomorrow. I will restrict to 700-900 calories per day of high protein, low carb, low fat foods and I workout at least 7 of those days. I have a dinner/party event on Thursday so I will substitute some food calories for alcohol calories and may even adjust my calorie limit upward. We'll see. I'm doing this because summer is right around the corner and I'm still fat. Still not bikini ready. And I need to structure an discipline of this plan. It's hard, difficult, and grueling as shit but it gets me results. So I will need to suck it up and just do it for the next 10 days. Next Friday my sister is flying into town for the long weekend and we're going to be shopping all weekend so I want to be/feel skinny.

The juice fast I did last month went really well. I lost 7lbs or something ridiculous over the 3 days. It was great and I felt fantastic (light and full of energy). But, of course, since then my eating has let up and I've gained the weight back. I went on vacation to Florida last week and ate ice cream, pizza, dinner rolls, etc. I really can't control myself anymore. It's either all or nothing. Just a few years ago I was so, so disciplined and would eat so clean. I had a flat stomach, toned arms, toned thighs, etc. Now I look so pudgy and untoned.

I tried to get into the Tracy Anderson DVDs (again). I'm sure I would get awesome results if I did them consistently - especially in my arms - but the working out at home with DVDs bores me to death. I have no motivation to workout in my apartment. I NEED to get out of apartment and go to the gym or even just outside when I workout. It's all mental.

This 10-day challenge is going to be all mental too, which is why I plan to make daily posts in here to hold me accountable. If I don't post please call me out on it!!

it's been a while..

I haven't posted since October 2012. I've been trying to get over my food issues and become healthy. Instead, I've gained fat, loss muscle, and wake up each morning hating what I see in the mirror. So with that, I'm back. For the time being, anyway. I've been in such a funk lately. Work is stressful and my love life has been a roller coaster, but deep down I know it's my body/weight that's making me always feel really down and out. It all stems from that. When I'm skinny and tone, I feel better about myself. I have more confidence, I'm more outgoing, and I'm just more happy overall. But these days I feel (and look) gross. And with summer right around the corner, I need to take a hold of the situation. So the action plan is to kick start my personal summer fat loss goal with a 3-day juice fast this weekend. I did one back in early September of 2012 and it went really well. I lost about 6lbs and felt awesome. The only downside is that I must be a hermit and not go out with friends, family, etc. because otherwise I'll be tempted to eat and drink booze. So this weekend I'm going to have a "me" weekend filled with juicing, shopping, cleaning, and relaxing. Wish me luck!

skinny comments

It's been a while. I haven't been able to post because I've just been so busy with work and school. I had exams all week, which meant a whole lot of books and studying and very little sleep and social life. Tonight I finally met up with one of my best friends for dinner. I was really anxious about going because I get anxious when I'm not in control of my meals, plus I was trying to lose weight before my Halloween party (tomorrow night). I ended up going over to her house and we ordered in, which actually worked out because I was able to get a salad with grilled chicken. We drank wine, caught up, and had a ton of fun and I was leaving she made one of those uncomfortable "skinny" comments.. you know those comments where someone tells you that you look skinny (her exact words: "you look really skinny!"). I get so uncomfortable because I don't know how to respond. I don't want to tell her "oh good, cause I've been starting myself all week so yeah I'm glad you noticed a difference." Nope, can't say that. So instead I just said "oh, must be the stress!" Ugh. I don't know. I mean it's great to hear those words "you look skinny" but then I think "wait, wtf did I look like before then?" I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

I feel good about my Halloween costume. It's a super cute semi-tight dress and I had to get spanx-like shapewear because you CAN SEE EVERYTHING, which means I can't wear a thong. And no underwear is a no go because I don't want my butt to jiggle around all night. I hope you all are doing well. I noticed that many of you have deleted your blogs :(

what a difference a week makes

Ugh, where to start. I feel gross. I woke up this morning ate breakfast and was still hungry so I ate a snack, then another, and another. I was mistaking my exhaustion for hunger. Fuck. Instead of eating 100's of calories I should have just gone back to bed. I'm still so tired. I've been tired all day. And have had no motivation to do anything. I haven't even worked out today.

Seriously, what a difference a week makes. Last weekend I was on top of the world. I was doing my juice fast/cleanse, felt great, and had a ton of energy. This weekend all I feel like doing is staying in so I can hid from the world and snack all day. Ugh, I just feel gross and like I'm back at square one. All that hard work I did last weekend seems like it has been cancelled out now. I really should be cleaning my apartment, doing homework for next week, and going out with friends. Instead, I'm sitting on the couch eating stuff I shouldn't be.

I really, really, really want to fast tomorrow and possibly Monday. Monday night I have a 3-hour class after work. I've never fasted on a work+school day so I don't know if I could go that long on nothing but I'll try. Maybe even a fast-5. Either way, the plan is to fast tomorrow. A friend is throwing a big party tomorrow to celebrate the beginning of football season. He's making homemade chili and some other food. I know everyone will just be sitting around watching the game and eating food and drinking beer. I already told him I probably can't make it because I have other plans. I really hate that I've fallen right back to where I started pre-juice cleanse. FML

weird day

Today has been a strange day. I don’t really know how to explain it. Maybe I’m tired or maybe it’s the rain, but all I want to do is go home and get under the covers and hid from the world. Instead, I get to go to class tonight. School’s back in session so two nights per week I’ll be going to class after a full day of work. I generally like school and love the people in my classes, but I’m not totally feeling it today. I don’t know. I’m just in a funk. I was getting anxious about all of this and I found myself in front of the vending machine. Of course, there was a person behind me in line so I had to make my choice quickly – 1.5 oz bag of Goldfish. Ugh, the moment it came out I was like “I don’t even want this.” But I ended up eating it because I was so stressed and anxious about having to go to school. I always eat when I’m stressed. So 200 calories later and my mood has gotten worse. Now all I can think about is this unhealthy, carby snack sitting in my stomach and the fact that I won’t be going to the gym today because of school. Ugh.

Also, my weight was up this morning but I knew that was going to happen after my juice cleanse finished. But now I’m nervous that it’s going to be up again tomorrow morning because of these damn Goldfish. Also, we’re going to the bar after class tonight to celebrate “back to school.” Then tomorrow we're getting free pizza for lunch at work (ew, skipping) and then out for drinks after work (not skipping). All I can say is that I see another fast-5/fasting cleanse in my near future. :( I was contemplating doing a fast-5 tomorrow but I don't want to get drunk in front of my boss/co-workers so I better put some food in my stomach.

I did more clothes shopping today (online). You'd think retail therapy would cheer me up, but instead I have buyers remorse because I feel like I've been spending way too much $$$ these days. Ugh, I can't wait until this day is o-v-e-r.

Post-cleanse

Thanks for all the encouraging comments. The 3-day juice cleanse went very well. There were a few instances (especially on day 3) when I wanted to cave in a eat a solid food, but my willpower and self-disciple came out on top and stayed strong all three days. It was so gratifying to prove to myself that I could do something that I put my mind to!

I stepped on the scale this morning and was almost -6 lbs down from pre-juice cleanse! I'm very happy about this and super motivated to keep that scale number going down. However, as I was back to eating food today I realized that I will probably gain some of that back since some of it is water weight :( I MUST remind myself of this when I step on the scale tomorrow morning so that I don't freak out and get discouraged.

Today has been pretty good. I went back to work and that was tough after a long holiday weekend. Eating was good. I've had about 800 cals and I think I'm done for the day. I broke my juice cleanse with a nice juicy apple for breakfast and it was perfect. Veggie salad for lunch and soup for dinner then apple, tuna, and a hard boiled egg for snacks in between. I also hit the gym and did 1 hour of hardcore cardio. I'm hoping to keep this up, although I have post-work events on Wed. and Thus. so I won't be able to hit the gym the next two days. This just means I have to keep my cals in check.

I think I'd really like to do a juice cleanse maybe once every month or two. It feels great, but it's not easy.