Monday, June 27, 2011

crazy weekend

Last week was okay, but this weekend erased any progress I made. I visited my best friend and we celebrated her birthday with a bunch of our college friends and some of her co-workers. Our weekend basically revolved around eating and drinking, which is usually what happens when the two of us get together. I usually let myself indulge when we see each other because it’s only 2-4 times per year. I got to her place late on Friday and we grabbed some pub food for dinner since it around 9:30pm. I just ordered french fries because I wasn’t very hungry and it looked to be the least caloric option. Then we went out to the bars and I had four light beers. I have a hard time finding a balance when it comes to drinking because I want to go out and enjoy myself and not worry about calories. My friends and I like to party and drink and I like to maintain a good buzz, so I don’t really think about the caloric damage until the next morning… which is a really bad way of going about it. Anyway, on Saturday we woke up and went to Starbucks and got some coffee then ran around the city doing fun things. We picked up some chips (baked lays) and diet coke for lunch then relaxed and got ready for the big party. I wore a strapless dress and felt really gross the whole time because I thought my stomach was sticking out. I hate having a stomach pouch!! I did get some compliments though and met a cute boy at the bar, so I guess I didn’t look so bad. Whatever, I don’t know.

I weighed myself this morning and I’m up two pounds from Friday. It’s both water and fat I’m sure, but it’s digesting. I’m doing a Fast 5 today and hitting the gym after work to do weights and cardio. Tomorrow I’m going to do more cardio at the gym and then I have a soccer game later that night. It’s July 4th weekend this upcoming weekend and I’m so fucking nervous. I’m so far away from where I want to be. I seem to keep losing and gaining the same 3-4lbs and it’s so annoying. I just need to buckle down and DO THIS. 

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

pause and restart

I need to get a hold of this before things get out of hand. It’s almost July for crying out load and I feel like I’ve made ZERO progress this month. I’m still above 120 lbs. Yesterday I weighed in at 122.4 lbs after a weekend filled with drinking, pizza, chicken parm, candy, and God knows what else. I don’t know why I do that. I don’t know why I have no self control. No discipline. Well, that’s actually incorrect. I have self control and discipline Monday through Thursday, but come Friday my willpower is shot and peer pressure comes in and I *think* I can get away with one drink or one slice of pizza or that I deserve a “break” or whatever. I can’t do this anymore. I need to stick to my plan. I need to stay focused.

I was taking an appetite suppressant for most of May and the beginning of June, but then I ran out and switched to another supplement brand. It’s definitely not as strong as the first because my appetite is out of control. It’s like a little monster that was asleep for weeks but has now awoken. It’s mad and angry and loud and very hard to ignore. I’ve tried to be really good and stick to my meal plan, but… I don’t know. I’m tired and overwhelmed with different events coming up so I’ve been eating more than I’d like and my gym workouts haven’t been the best. I need to refocus and reset my goals and rework my plan so I can fucking lose these pounds already. It makes me so angry that I put myself through this misery yet I make no progress. UGH.

So, the next 3 days I need to go HAM at the gym and stick to <800 calories. Then this weekend I’m out of town visiting friends, which mean I’ll be eating and drinking and not sleep much. Then next Monday through Friday I can go HAM (ha) again at the gym and stick to my meal plan before the July 4th weekend when I’ll inevitably be out in public in a bathing suit.  

Saturday, June 18, 2011


I didn't reach my goal of breaking 120 by the end of the week. In fact, my weight was up this morning due to some over indulging yesterday. I swear I are like 2000 calories or something. we got free lunch at work (sandwiches, pasta, and salad) and I told myself I would just eat the side salad and maybe pick at half of a sandwich. But I was so hungry and felt so deprive seeing everyone load up their plates. So I had half a mozzarella, tomato, and pesto sandwich with the salad. Then I went to happy hour and it was downhill from there. I don't even want to go into about what I ate. But I feel like I undid all the hard work from this week. I woke up feeling gross and dirty. I'm doing a fast 5 today before I meet friends for dinner and drinks. I hate not being able to have fun and I hate being fat. I just want to be happy and thin and toned. I don't know. I don't know what my weight will be tomorrow morning. It's father's day and we are doing brunch so that's more eating. I need to be good Monday-Friday because my best friend is having a party on Saturday and there's going to be a lot of picture taking.


Thursday, June 16, 2011

slow progress

Slowly but surly the scale is going down. The good news is that my weight is going down and I’m getting closer and closer to my GW, but the bad news is that my progress is so slow that I’m worried if I can actually make it to my GW because I know I can’t maintain this exercise/meal plan regime for too long. I was hoping to hit the gym hardcore for two weeks or so and then taper off a bit. But if I’m hitting a plateau even with 2 hour gym sessions and <900 calories per day then I don’t know what I’m going to do. Granted, it’s only been five days. But with this kind of intensity I was hoping to shed this flab quickly. For now, I’m just going to try and stay positive and optimistic and stay on course. I woke up and weighed myself (pre-BM) and was 120.8lbs. Today is really, really important because I want/need to break 120 by the end of the week (Friday/Saturday). Then I will maintain that weight until Monday.

Weekends are tough for me. During the work week, I’m distracted and busy with work to do so I have no problem restricting without thinking. But over the weekends there’s a complete lack of structure, which it makes it difficult for me to stay on track. I try to give my mind/myself a “break” by not pre-planning every single calorie, but I think I will have to change that because obviously it does not work for me. Why bother putting all that work and effort in during the week if I’m just going to ruin it over the weekend with overconsumption of food and alcohol. So, this is what I’m thinking: on Saturday I will do a fast-5 and on Sunday I will pre-plan all of my calories. Both days I will hit the gym for 1-2 hours and I will get outside and walk/do errands.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


I’m making some progress. The exercise/clean diet combo is working for me. I went to the gym after work again yesterday and did 1 hour on the elliptical. I was going to do more but I was exhausted and starving so I went home after my workout. Today I’ll do more. Food wise I ate: low-fat yogurt (80), veggie salad (200), laughing cow cheese (35), grilled chicken with steamed corn and garbanzo beans (220), sugar-free fudgesicle (40), and 100 calorie popcorn (100). I had planned to have a protein shake instead of the popcorn, but I was so hungry and just wanted to munch on something so I substituted. It worked out ok, but I don’t want to make that a habit. This morning I woke up and I was 121lbs. So, yeah, making progress. I was so tired last night that I was in bed my 9pm! I think I slept about 9 hours last night. It was great.

I typically go straight to the gym after work at 4:30pm and make it out before the mad rush comes in around 6-6:30pm. I used to have such anxiety about this “mad rush” of after-work people coming to the gym that I would forgo working it if it was past a certain time. I don’t know why. I don’t like crowds and I have a bit of social anxiety. I also feel like a fatty working near or next to skinny girls in cute lulu gym outfits. But yesterday, I wasn’t able to make it to the gym until 5:20pm but I went anyway! This was a pretty big step for me since I probably wouldn’t have done that a year ago. I just feel more comfortable at the gym now, plus I am more motivated than ever to get thin and fit. I’m starting to lean and tone up and I don’t want to stop making progress. My plan is to workout today and tomorrow then take off on Friday to let my body rest/recover since that would make it six straight days at the gym.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

good start

I have so many thoughts constantly running through my head. So much I want to get out. Let’s see if I can do that without writing a whole book.

Yesterday was a good day. I kept my calories between 800-900 and ate all healthy foods: low-fat yogurt, salad, protein shake, grilled chicken with steamed corn and garbanzo beans, grapes, hummus with carrots, and low-fat laughing cow cheese. I made it to the gym after work and was so motivated and felt really productive. I did 30 minutes on the elliptical, 25 minutes weights for arms/shoulders/chest/abs, 20 minutes running/jogging (5.0-8.0 mph) on the treadmill, then another 20 minutes on the elliptical. I want to burn as much flab and fat as possible, but without burning out. So I need to be careful about that and find a balance - so far so good though. When I was young I had 2 hour sports practices 5 days per week and games at least 1 day per week, so I know my body can handle working out for extending periods of time. The only thing different is that this time around I’m actively restricting calories and not eating a lot. So, yeah, need to be careful about that.

I started taking “metabolism supplements” that contain caffeine, capsaicin, cinnamon, green tea extract, and a few other things. Yesterday I got a bit of a headache, but I think my body is just adjusting. Hopefully these work because they weren’t cheap. I did lose 2.2lbs overnight so now I’m down to 121.8lbs. I’m hoping to break 120lbs by the end of the week then maintain that over the weekend. The weekends are always the hardest for me because of the lack of structure and all the social outings and events. But it’s only Tuesday, so one step at a time.

Monday, June 13, 2011

first post

So here we are. This is my first ever blogger post. I had no idea this ED blogger world existed, but I’m happy that I found it. I guess I should introduce myself: I’m a 26 year-old full-time business analyst living and working in a metropolitan city. I have never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, but I do have disordered eating habits. I go through periods where I restrict, fast, and exercise a lot. Growing up, I was very active and was really into spots. I played competitively all through grade school, high school, and college. I was always on the go and due to sports/youth/high metabolism I never had any weight issues. I was fit and toned for as long as I can remember and I got away with eating whatever I wanted. The whole idea of body image and calories and weight loss never crossed my radar until the end of college. I stumbled upon some online communities and posted pictures of myself for others to guess my weight. I started to think about my body and actively tried to lose weight and tone up around this time. After I graduated, I stopped playing sports and became paranoid that all of my muscle was going to turn into fat (yes, I know that’s not even possible). So I started to restrict and went to the gym every day that summer and was probably in the best shape of my life. That winter (2008), I restricted even more and upped the ante at the gym for spring break. My body was starving, but I looked good. Flat stomach, toned arms, toned legs. I lost control while on spring break and ate a ton and drank a ton. I gained about 5lbs. This cycle (lose, gain, lose) has continued and since then my weight has been yo-yoing within an 8-10lb range. I’m currently 5’4 and 123lbs. I was 113lbs the winter of 2008 when I thought I looked the best. Most people think I weigh less than I do, but I’m a pear shape and have a fair amount of muscle from playing spots. My goal is to get back down to 113lbs at least and to record my journey here.