I’ve been feeling really down lately. I go through waves of happiness and sadness. On the surface I’m always “happy” but there are days and sometimes weeks when I just feel really down and depressed. I feel alone and lost and… alone. I have a very loving family that I see at least once a week and a few really good friends that I see a couple of times a week and friendly, non-stressful co-workers that I see five days a week. But I still feel very alone sometimes.
H contacted me last night. I should be happy (right??) but I feel sort of numb. Like, I won’t let myself enjoy it and I immediately focus on something negative about it. I don’t know why but this isn’t uncommon for me. I think it’s some fucked up self-sabotaging way I cope with boys and acceptance/rejection. I can’t get a good read on him and I can’t tell if he’s interested or not. Boys are confusing but if he wasn’t interested he wouldn’t respond, right? Or would he still respond? I don’t know! He sent me a message on Facebook last night (we’ve only communicated through FB messages since I met him last month) that started with: “Sorry for taking so long to get back to you” then he told me where exactly he was thinking of moving to (because I had asked which part of the city) then said he needs to find a roommate first so he will have to do the one hour commute while he finds a roommate, which he thinks will happen soon. That was it. Short and sweet. He didn’t ask me anything like how I’ve been so that’s why I’m not overly excited about it I guess. UGH I don’t know. What do you think?
I’ve been feeling very fat lately. I’ve been working out but my eating has been off. Too many calories and too much junk. I know I eat to fill a void. I also eat when I’m tired. I know I shouldn’t but I do it anyway. I’m just so started… for love… and for food when I’m restricting. I can’t talk about this to anyone. I saw my doctor yesterday for an annual checkup and as he was going through the routine of questions he asked how everything was and if I was experiencing any stress or anxiety or depression. I said no. I mean, it’s not horrible bad. I’m not so depressed that I can’t get out of bed in the morning and go to work. I’m not so depressed and stressed that I can’t find time to workout or visit family and friends. I don’t know… it’s a cycle too. I get sad and down when I feel fat and I tell myself that “I’ll be happy when I find someone and I’ll find someone when I’m skinny and I’ll be happy when I’m skinny too… but in the meantime I’m sad and I feel fat so I’m just going to eat my feelings with popcorn and chocolate and rice and peanut butter and vodka and almonds and raisins.” It’s not even terribly bad foods I eat. Just… a lot.
I want to be a lean machine again. I wouldn’t go to the beach this weekend if someone paid me to. What a difference a couple of weeks make.