sad

I’ve been feeling really down lately. I go through waves of happiness and sadness. On the surface I’m always “happy” but there are days and sometimes weeks when I just feel really down and depressed. I feel alone and lost and… alone. I have a very loving family that I see at least once a week and a few really good friends that I see a couple of times a week and friendly, non-stressful co-workers that I see five days a week. But I still feel very alone sometimes.

H contacted me last night. I should be happy (right??) but I feel sort of numb. Like, I won’t let myself enjoy it and I immediately focus on something negative about it. I don’t know why but this isn’t uncommon for me. I think it’s some fucked up self-sabotaging way I cope with boys and acceptance/rejection. I can’t get a good read on him and I can’t tell if he’s interested or not. Boys are confusing but if he wasn’t interested he wouldn’t respond, right? Or would he still respond? I don’t know! He sent me a message on Facebook last night (we’ve only communicated through FB messages since I met him last month) that started with: “Sorry for taking so long to get back to you” then he told me where exactly he was thinking of moving to (because I had asked which part of the city) then said he needs to find a roommate first so he will have to do the one hour commute while he finds a roommate, which he thinks will happen soon. That was it. Short and sweet. He didn’t ask me anything like how I’ve been so that’s why I’m not overly excited about it I guess. UGH I don’t know. What do you think?

I’ve been feeling very fat lately. I’ve been working out but my eating has been off. Too many calories and too much junk. I know I eat to fill a void. I also eat when I’m tired. I know I shouldn’t but I do it anyway. I’m just so started… for love… and for food when I’m restricting. I can’t talk about this to anyone. I saw my doctor yesterday for an annual checkup and as he was going through the routine of questions he asked how everything was and if I was experiencing any stress or anxiety or depression. I said no. I mean, it’s not horrible bad. I’m not so depressed that I can’t get out of bed in the morning and go to work. I’m not so depressed and stressed that I can’t find time to workout or visit family and friends. I don’t know… it’s a cycle too. I get sad and down when I feel fat and I tell myself that “I’ll be happy when I find someone and I’ll find someone when I’m skinny and I’ll be happy when I’m skinny too… but in the meantime I’m sad and I feel fat so I’m just going to eat my feelings with popcorn and chocolate and rice and peanut butter and vodka and almonds and raisins.” It’s not even terribly bad foods I eat. Just… a lot.

I want to be a lean machine again. I wouldn’t go to the beach this weekend if someone paid me to. What a difference a couple of weeks make.

red carpet ready & dating curse

I’m pretty sure my comments are still showing up as spam. I did a google search to see if I could resolve the issue, but I couldn’t find a solution. It might be because I comment from iphone and not a laptop or desktop? I’m not sure? It’s kind of annoying though.

I did my first Red Carpet Ready workout yesterday and, oh man, am I feeling it. The soreness is subtle but it’s there, especially in my butt and hamstrings! The first circuit workout was tough and I was a hot mess but I felt really good afterwards. It took me about an hour to go through three circuit sets three times. There are 3-4 exercises per circuit with 10-12 reps each per exercise… so overall I did about 350 reps of the exercises (!!), which included lunges, planks, bicep curls, tricep kickbacks, shoulder presses, crunches, etc etc. It’s only day one and I have 41 more days to go!

I still haven’t heard from H, the boy I met… about a month ago now. It’s really sad. I honestly don’t know what to think of it. I thought we hit it off really well and he seemed interested but I guess he’s “just not that into me.” Or maybe he is and I just need to be patient. Based on Facebook, he hasn’t moved yet and he was out of town this past weekend and possibly the weekend before. But, honestly, let’s keep it real… if he was interested he would have contacted me by now even if he wasn’t going to see me for a few more weeks, no? It’s a curse, what I have. I can go out and meet guys and flirt with them and get them to fall for me… but only for ONE night. After that they seem to lose interest. All the guys I want seem to disappear and all the guys I don’t want seem to constantly buzz around like flies. Ugh.

I didn’t weigh myself this morning. I’ve been feeling fat and bloated.

new plan

So, I guess some of my comments are going into people’s spam. I’m not sure why that is happening but I hope it works itself out because I’m really not sure how to fix it.

TGIF!! This has been a very long and hot week. I haven’t been on a plan of any sort this week, food of exercise wise. I’ve actually been eating a lot of 100-calorie popcorn (instead of real food) and sitting on my butt with the AC on. This is all going to change tomorrow. I’m putting myself on a 6-week workout plan called Red Carpet Ready. It’s designed by celebrity trainer Valerie Waters who helped Jennifer Garner get in shape for Alias. The program is basically bodyweight/dumbbell circuits alternated with cardio days and one day of rest. There’s a nutrition section too, which focuses on eating 5-6 meals a day with lots of lean protein, veggies, fruits, and healthy carbs. I’m going to stop by the library and pick up some South Beach Diet and Body for Life books to get more ideas for meals and recipes. I like reading diet books even if I’m doing the diet. Is that weird, haha?

I’m very bloated today. It’s that TOM for me so I’ve been feeling cramp-y all morning. I can’t wait to go home and just curl up to a movie and skim through my library books. I still haven’t heard from H – the boy who I met last month. My last Facebook message that I sent was on July 10. UGH. His last message to me was on July 8 and he said he was moving into the city “in the next couple of weeks hopefully” and would get in touch with me when he moves in. Right now he lives about an hour away. I have no idea when exactly he is moving so maybe he’s just busy scrambling to find a place? I don’t know? I’m not going to stress about it anymore because if he’s interested he’ll get in touch. UGH he’s so cute though and I really, really like/liked him. I have the WORST luck when it comes to guys and love. It’s really sad actually. I’ve never been in love and I’ve never had a serious boyfriend before. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I think I have commitment and intimacy issues. I’m scared to get too closer to people because I’m scared they’ll get to know me and then leave because they’ are disappointed. I really hope H gets in touch with me. I really, really hope so.

comments & average size

I’ve been having an issue leaving comments on other people’s blogs. I usually send them from my iphone so I’m not sure if that’s the problem, but often times the comment won’t appear even after it says “your comment has been published yada yada”. Anyone know what’s going on with that?

On another note, I haven’t posted in a while because there’s nothing really new going on. After I hit 119.8lb last week I let up a bit on the diet front. I added back some carbs into the mix to help keep my sanity. It’s a pretty miserable life without some carbs! My big thing has been 100-calorie popcorn. It seems to last a long time and is pretty filling without too many calories. My weight has gone up a bit but only about a pound so I’m around 120.8lbs. I think I might cycle carbs and eat them every other day. I’m not sure yet. If my weight continues to go up then I’ll just eliminate them for a while again, but I’m going to try to reach my GW with eating some carbs.

I went to the beach on Sunday! It was the first time I’ve gone all summer. I didn’t go at all last year because I didn’t want to be seen in public in a bathing suit. But I was feeling good and lean this weekend so I braved the bikini and went with my best friend. It was a blast and I got a really good tan. I did a lot of people watching too and it was crazy to see how many people are overweight, girls my age and younger (I’m 26). They have belly rolls, beer guts, back fat, jiggly thighs and arms… some were “skinny fat” but most were downright overweight. I don’t know, my perception of body image is totally fucked up so I could be in the wrong. I read articles that say the average size of an American woman is like a size 12 or 14. But is that healthy? I think maybe it should be ore of a 6 or even a 4? I don’t know, is that wrong? I’m not skinny at all but I seem to fit in 0’s and 2’s at the stores I shop at, but I because I’m “petite”. What do people think about the average size of an American woman? 

teens

119.6lbs. That was my weight this morning. I'm happy, but not as happy as I thought I would be once I was under 120. I haven't been in the teens since December, although I need to wait a few days or even a week to make sure I can make it stick. I was looking at old pictures and two summers ago I was in the high teens and looked very different. Well, my stomach specfically looked very different. It was tight and flat with ab definition. Now I have a pouch, which drives me insane. It's all I think about. I need to get rid of it. I absolutely hate it. I'm eating 600-900 calories right now and I'm barely losing anything. Well it's really slow at least. I'm nervous about upping my calorie intake later on. How do people eat at maintenance without gaining? My metabolism must be shit because if I eat 1200 or more calories I gain. Or if I eat bread or pasta I gain. I don't know how to fix this? Anyway, 119.6 this morning... I'll take it. For now.

down a bit & boy crush

Down 0.8lbs – which puts me at 121lbs on the dot. I’ve feel a lot leaner and my belly bloat was practically non-existent this morning, which was nice. I’m dying to break 120lbs. Once I do I am not going back. Easier said than done, but I mean it. I don’t wait to keep yo-yoing like this. I wish maintenance was easier. I’ve tried to eat at maintenance in the past, but once I go above 1200 calories I gain and freak out. The scale has such an effect on my daily moods that even if I gain a pound of water weight I get very discouraged and upset. This usually then leads to me “giving up” and eating more. Then I gain more both in the form of water and fat. It’s a vicious cycle.

My body is really tired, but I’ve motivated and I’m going to push through. Today my plan is to eat: protein shake (120), tuna on lettuce (100), grilled chicken (140), green beans (35), small salad with light dressing (100), and another protein shake (120). Not too exciting ha ha, but that’s the reason why I only do this meal plan for 10-12 days. Any longer and I’d go insane! After work I have a bunch of errands to do so I’m going to run/jog to whole foods to pick up some more low-cal salad dressing and then the library to pick up Crystal Renn’s Hungry. I’ve been re-reading Wasted again. I forgot how amazingly good this book is.

On a different note, I’m really bummed the boy I’ve been crushing on hasn’t gotten in touch with me. I met him almost a month ago and I haven’t seen him since so I feel like everything is starting to fizzle out. It’s actually a funny story. I’m a pretty shy girl, especially when I don’t know people or I meet someone for the first time, but when I go out (and have a few drinks) I’m way more confident. So I was at a bar with some friends and I see H from across the bar and I smile and wave like “hey you’re cute and I’m checking you out!” Then two seconds later he walks over and we start talking. We had fun together the rest of the time, but at the end he didn’t ask for my number but we became Facebook friends so I sent him a message two days later. He responded and we went back and forth via Facebook message for a while, although I feel like I’ve been doing more of the question asking than him. I sent him a message on Sunday night and haven’t heard back yet. I always overanalyze boy stuff but it’s really, really, really hard to get a read on him and interest in me. He IS sort of in the middle of moving and getting a new job, so I know he’s very busy. He’s actually moving closer to me which is awesome. Right now he’s live about an hour away. ANYWAY, I hope he gets back to me soon. 

high protein & abs

I’ve been making progress, but it’s been going at a snail’s pace. This morning I was 121.8lbs. I was hoping to be lower because I’ve been restricting carbs and fats the past two days and I’ve been sticking to mostly protein foods. I’m on my high-protein plan and will be doing it for the next 10 days or so. It’s really freakin’ hard, but the results are great. Last time I did this I lost 8lbs of weight (not all fat, although fat was lost). Yesterday I ate: egg whites with ff cheese (90), tuna on lettuce (50), grilled chicken (140) with steamed broccoli (30), and a protein shake (240). I also went to the gym and did some resistance training and 30 minutes on the elliptical to keep my metabolism up. Today I’ll be eating more of the same and will probably do some more cardio after work.

I’ve been really stressed about how I look in a bikini. I haven’t gone to the beach yet this summer because I don’t want to be seen in a bathing suit, but I’m determined to make it out there at least once before this summer is over. Last year I didn’t go to the beach at all because of my weight/body and I was really sad about that. I think I look ok in my arms and maybe legs, but it’s my stomach that’s the big problem. I have a stupid little pooch thing that I absolute hate. I swear, I used to have great abs (without even trying.. probably due to sports) and then I started working full-time and sitting on my butt for 8+ hours a day. Now my abs are shit and I have fat covering them. I think I have that pelvic tilt thing going on. I don’t know. I need to do some google-ing on that. UGH. I’m such a Debbie Downer lately. 

progress & library books

I’m back to my pre-holiday weekend weight, down -1lb from yesterday morning. Yesterday was pretty good, I stuck to healthy foods and kept it around 800-900 calories. I also went to the gym and did weights, HIIT on the treadmill, and 30 minutes on the elliptical. I wanted to do 60 minutes on the elliptical, but my body was so tired and I was running on very little. I stated taking “metabolism supplements” that have 200mg of caffeine per serving and I made the mistake on Tuesday of taking the second serving at 3pm. You’d think that it wouldn’t really effect my sleeping that night, but it did! I didn’t fall asleep until 1am!! And I got up at 6am, which means I only got 4 hours of sleep… and I’m the type of person that needs 8 hours of sleep per night to function. So needless to say, yesterday was a struggle to get through.

After the gym I walked to the library and returned/picked up some books. I returned Portia De Rossi’ Unbearable Lightness (really good), Sarah Littman’s Purge (eh), and Erica River’s Insatiable (ok, but couldn’t finish it). Then I checked out a Suzanne Somers diet book and Carrie Arnold’s Next to Nothing: A Firsthand Account of One Teenager’s Experience with An Eating Disorder. When I went to the front desk to check out the books the guy (who had just checked-in my returned books) gave me a really weird look like he was judging me for reading these books. I hate that and I hope I never see him again. Next time I just going to return my books after hours so I can drop them into the slot bin thing.

Today’s plan is the same as yesterday: low calories, healthy food, and gym time. I’m doing all cardio today. I also need to clean my apartment and do laundry. My apartment is absolutely disgusting right now and needs a really good scrub down. Ew. At least it will burn some extra calories.

good & bad

The good news is that I’m slowly making progress, but the bad news is that I’m slowly making progress. I did my fast 5 yesterday and it went really well. I wasn’t hungry at all, which was probably due to the fact that I ate so much junk over the long weekend. Gross. I was back at work which also helped a lot. When I have structure/my work routine I’m able to stick to a plan better. I drank coffee, water, and one can of no-calorie seltzer water. Then I did some shopping after work. When I got home I ate grilled chicken with grilled peppers and onions, some grapes, and carrots with hummus. After that things went downhill. It would have been a great day food-wise if I had stopped there, but I had plans to go to a baseball game with my friend. I didn’t eat any food (which was good! She hate an individual pizza) but I did drink two light beers (not so good). By the time I got home I was starving, so I ate low-fat string cheese, a sugar-free fudgesicle, more carrots and hummus, and more grapes. It was all healthy foods, but it was too much food. I think I tapped out at 900 calories (including the beers), which is a lot for a fast 5 day. UGH.

So on to the scale: when I got home after shopping yesterday I was down -1.8lbs. I was really surprised to see, but I hadn’t eaten all day so I guess it made sense. I weighed myself again this morning and was down only -0.6lbs from yesterday’s morning weight. This was after I ate dinner last night and all those snacks and the beer. So, making progress… but it is slow progress.

My plan today is to eat a light salad for lunch then a healthy dinner (maybe grilled chicken again). I’ll have a snack or two in between, but I’m aiming for 700-800 calories. I’m going to the gym too and plan to spend 2 hours doing cardio and weights.

disaster weekend

This weekend was a disaster. I felt so out of control. No willpower, no discipline, no exercise, just eating. I am disgusted just thinking about all the food and junk food I ate this weekend: pizza, ice cream, chips, fries, candy. It wasn’t healthy at all! I don’t know what happened to my self control, but I’m up 2lbs from Thursday morning and I deserve to be. It’s so hard for me to stay on track when I’m surrounded my people who eat and who are not concerned with body image/weight. I spent the weekend with family and friends celebrating the July 4^th holiday. I didn’t have access to a scale and I wasn’t able to get my daily workouts in, which I think set me off. It honestly has to be all or nothing for me and I hate it. If I lose any bit of control (no scale, no gym, etc.) I feel defeated and just give up. I know I shouldn’t think this way, but I do. I need to work on that.

Anyway, I’m moving forward. I need to refocus and get back on track. I had planned to due my low calorie, high protein meal plan diet starting tomorrow but I have a wedding on Friday so I may just wait until after that to start. That way I go do 10-12 consecutive days without any road bumps to derail me. This week will just be low calories but with some carbs and fats from fruit and hummus. I need to finish these foods in my fridge anyway so I’ll start my plan this weekend or even Monday. I still need to plan it all out.

I’m doing a fast 5 today.

word vomit

I have so my thoughts racing through my head. All day long, so many thoughts about life but mostly body image/weight. I'm so annoyed with myself and the lack of progress I've made and where I currently am. I've been doing this for months now, but I have't been consistent which means I haven't made much progress. It's July 4th weekend and I'm alone. I am always alone. I was invited to go out to the beach, but I declined the invite because I didn't want to be seen in public wearing a bathing suit. How sad. I'm not obese by any means, but I'm not comfortable with where I am. And so I'd rather suffer alone then go out to the beach where I'll inevitably see old friends and people from high school that I haven't seen in years. I hate that I do this and that I feel this way. But I don't want people to see me like this. I know I can look better. I know I can.

I want to make a beach day date with some friends so that (1) I can set a hard deadline for myself to get thin and fit and (2) so I can enjoy summer like a normal person. I'm still about 123 lbs right now. I'm at my parents' house so I have to wait till I get home on Tuesday to properly weigh myself. Tuesday night. I'm going out to a baseball game so my Plan will start on Wednesday. The plan is to eat 90% protein and then 10% carbs/fat. Maybe that's not accurate but basically I'm going go do a very high protein diet with little carbs from veggies only and little fat from the protein. Total cals will be around 500-800. I'll do cardio and weights every few days. I have done this twice before and I usually stick to the Plan for 10-12 days to jump start the weight loss, then I add in more carbs and fats so I don't go crazy I lost about 8lbs the first time I did it, then 5lbs the second time. So I'm hoping to have the same type of success. I want and need to get below 120lbs already.

july 4th

Happy 4th of July weekend. I'm spending the next 3 days at my parents' house. I plan to get tan, go shopping, and spend some quality time with the family. I don't have any plans to go to the beach this weekend. Initially, I thought I would be going but it doesn't look like I'll be able to make it out there this weekend. This is fine by me because I'm not 100% ready to be seen in public in a bikini. I'm not even 50% ready. So I'll just lay out on my parents' deck and get a tan where no one can see me!


Diet wise things have been tough. Life has been hectic and I haven't really been on my A-game. Working out has been spotty and food hasn't been completely healthy. I'm going to do a 10-12 day cleanse diet where I eat lots of protein and minimal carbs and fats. I'll post more details of what I plan to do once I start. I'm thinking Day 1 will be next Wednesday.


I've been adding people to my blog list. I'm new to blogger, but I've been following many of you for a while now without my own blogger. I'm happy that I've found the blogger community and you guys in particular. It makes me feel like I'm not so alone in this.