roller coaster

I’m down -2.4lbs since my Monday morning weight, but I’m not happy because this Thursday’s weight is higher than my Thursday weight last week. I wish these scale weigh-ins didn’t affect my mood so much, but I can’t help it. I don’t even know what my true weight is at this point. Things I do know: (1) I’ve been bloated since Monday and I’m 99% sure it’s from all the Fiber One products I’ve been eating (cereal bars and 90-calorie brownies), (2) my body is adjusting to this plan and isn’t responding like it use to. So, NOTE TO SELF: no more Fiber One foods. They are OK, but definitely not worth it. One 90-calorie brownie does not satisfy me (it’s practically half air), which means I’m always looking for something else to eat on top of it. Also, the fiber has been going in but hasn’t exactly been coming out, if you know what I mean. UGH. I don’t know what my plan will be going forward. I need to design a plan for myself that’s easy enough to follow, yet gets the job done, so that I can be consistent with it. Consistently is the key for me.

Right now my eating plan is: no breakfast, 100-150c salad or soup for lunch, grilled chicken with veggies or soup for dinner, and snacks (popcorn, cereal bars, hummus, etc). I typically keep my intake at around 600-800 calories, sometimes 900, but definitely under 1000. So, maybe I should change up my snacks. Less carbs, more fruits and veggies. And also, keep the soup sodium levels low. For exercise, I’ve been trying to workout 5 days per week but realistically have only managed 4 days due to school and friends/family commitments. I definitely need to switch it up at the gym. More running, less elliptical. More abs. And maybe more bodyweight exercise instead of free weights and machines. So yeah, that may be my plan for the new month.

Speaking of October, Halloween is coming up. My friends and I are planning to get dressed up and go out and party. I need to start brainstorming ideas. And I also need to look thin in my costume. Is anyone else getting dressed up for Halloween??

defeat

It’s only Tuesday, but my week so far isn’t going very well. I don’t know if it’s the stress from work/school/life that’s getting to me or if it’s my diet or my sleep schedule or these supplements or what, but I just don’t feel all that great. I didn’t have the best eating day yesterday and my weight was up 0.6lbs this morning, which is really upsetting me right now. Yesterday started out OK. I only ate a 100-calorie veggie salad from the time I woke up at 7:15am until the time I got home at 6pm. I hit the gym after work and did 45mins of the elliptical and then 20mins of weights and abs. Then I got home and it all seemed to go downhill from there. I ate more snacks that I had planned to (I think because I didn’t really get to over the weekend) and had 1.5 glasses of wine from a bottle that I opened this weekend. I didn’t even crave wine, but I didn’t want it to go bad (I don’t know how long red wine lasts?). Anyway, I ate: grilled chicken (150), corn (70), two fudgesicles (80), fiber one bar (140), fiber one brownie (90), popcorn (100), cheese (100?), wine (??). I’m not sure how many calories were in the wine, but I’m guessing I was still under 1000 cals for the day. I woke up this morning feeling bloated and knew the scale was going to be up. I just knew it. So I really shouldn’t have been all that surprised when I saw the +0.6lbs. It’s my own fault. But I’m still upset and I feel defeated. Like, if I’m not maintaining or losing weight each day then I’m not winning at this. And if I’m not winning, then I don’t want to play. And that that’s not a good way to go about this because when I feel like giving up I usually just want to go home and stuff my face because I just don’t care anymore. It’s a self-fulfilling prophesy. So I just need to refocus and get back on my game plan.

Today my goal is to limit my snacks and have no wine with dinner. So: no breakfast, salad for lunch (150), leftover chicken and corn for dinner (220), soup (100), fiber one brownie (90), fudgesicle (40). I will hit the gym and do 45mins of the hard elliptical-type looking machine and then 20-30mins of spiriting/jogging on the treadmill. I will also try my best to get to bed early. Last night I was really tired and was able to get 7.5 hours of sleep, which is pretty good for me these days.

Sometimes I don’t know if I’ll ever get small. It takes SO MUCH WORK for me to lose, and even then I can’t get that low. My lowest weight over the past five years or so has been about 113lbs and I’m 5’4”. I want to look like Mila Kunis in Black Swan. (I could never look like Natalie because my bone structure isn’t that small). I need to refocus and stay on track. I just need to.

progress

I overslept this morning! I never oversleep and if I do I get super anxious. I’m pretty anxious when it comes to time in general. But, last night I just completely forgot to set my alarm clock so I woke up about 45 minutes late. I skipped my morning cup of coffee and didn’t style my hair. I was only about 15 minutes late to the office, but no one even noticed. On the plus side, I got almost 8 hours of sleep last night! I’m lucky I didn’t sleep in much later because I’m sure I could have.

I’m making progress on my weekend eating. My Monday morning weigh-in for today was -2lbs lower than my Monday morning weigh-in last week, which is something to be happy about I guess. I had a very busy weekend that included lots of homework, family visiting, get togethers with friends, etc. Hanging out with friends and family almost always involves food! I felt it was mostly healthy, but I ate a lot more “meals” than I’m used to eating. I prefer to eat low-cal meals and several snacks, but this weekend was high-cal meals and few snacks. My plan for this week is to keep losing and to tone up. I haven’t been to the gym since Saturday so I plan to go after work today and do weights and cardio AND ABS. It’s very warm outside today so I may also do some running outside. Food wise: no breakfast, salad (100), hummus/carrots (135), grilled chicken (150), corn (70), fudgesicle (40), and maybe popcorn (100). I took my supplements this morning and will probably take them over the next three days. So maybe I’ll try to skip them on Friday, although… I didn’t take them on Saturday or Sunday and I felt down and almost sort of sad. I don’t know maybe it’s just because what’s been going on in my life and the stress is started to get to me.

I still need to go shopping for work pants and shoes. I’m wearing a skirt today (it feels like summer) and it totally doesn’t fit right. I’m practically swimming in it. I want to roll it up (like in high school haha) but my top is tucked in so you will notice if I do that. Oh well.

weekend, finally

I AM EXHAUSTED. I literally laid in bed for 1.5 hours last night before I finally fell asleep. This meant I only got about 5 hours of sleep last night. On average, I think I got about 5-6 hours of sleep per night. All I can say is Thank God It’s Friday! I have a lot of things to do for school and several commitments with friends and family lined up for the weekend, but I’m hoping to catch up on some sleep too. This morning I woke up in the 118’s. I haven’t seen this number in a long time! My stomach is looking better and my jeans are feeling looser, which is such a great feeling. I took some pictures on my iphone this morning but I’m not sure if I want to post them here or not. I *feel* smaller and the scale says I’m smaller, but I don’t *look* smaller in the pictures. At least I don’t think so.

This weekend (as always) is going to be a major challenge for me. I seem to always have trouble staying on track during the weekends. My schedule is really booked up Friday-Sunday though so I’m hoping that will help. I’ve noticed that now that I’ve started evening business school the work + school combo leaves me very little time to eat or even think about food. My dinner on school nights has become a Luna bar during our 15 minute break and then usually when I get home I’ll have a bag of 100-cal popcorn or a 100-cal soup. When I actually have downtime to think about things I get really anxious and upset about what I’m doing to my body. I eat 600-800 calories per day (which isn’t that bad), I am sleep deprived, I use (abuse?) appetite suppressants (including a lot of caffeine), I don’t get all the nutrients I need to be getting, etc. I want to wean myself off of the suppressants but I know the suppressants are what have been getting me through my new work/school schedule. If I didn’t take them I would be so tired that I don’t think I would be able to function. I’ll have to figure something out though because I can’t do this forever. I’m thinking of only taking them on school days, instead of every work day. I don’t take them on the weekends, which may be related to my weekend overeating. But, then again, maybe not. Maybe it’s all in my head.

N texted me last night. He may have to go out of town this weekend, but if not we’re going to meet for drinks tonight. I really hope it doesn’t fall through this time because I really want to see him. I’m so tired but I know I’ll get re-energized if we go out tonight. Ohhhh, priorities.

Goals/Things to remember:
- skip suppressants one day next week (maybe Monday)
- pack vitamins with lunch
- start doing ab workouts 3x per week
- run more instead of using the elliptical

hips & hair

I’ve lost -2lbs over the past two days. I’m feeling leaning than ever, although I can still spot problem areas that need work. My stomach, for one, still has some “pudge” that needs to go away. I’ve been really lazy and inconsistent with my ab workouts so I really need to get on that. Cardio (running, especially) usually helps me with a flatter stomach, so I need to do more running instead of elliptical work. I also have tree trunks for thighs. That’s mostly genetic (I think) and due to years and years of sports (muscle!). I don’t do direct leg workouts when I’m at the gym. In the past, I found sprint workouts followed by elliptical workouts to be effective in making my thighs a bit smaller. Speaking of legs, now that fall is approaching and it’s starting to get cooler outside I have to breakout my office/work dress pants soon. I hate wearing pants to work!! My hips are much wider my waist and my thighs are just muscular so I look big and thick in pants. They’re usually really tight around my hips and thighs too, which makes me just look gross. I need to go shopping for new ones and get them properly hemmed. Also, I usually get wear flats to work, but those make me look even shorter/wider so I want to try to incorporate some heel – maybe wedge or boot. I’ve been wearing dresses and skirts all summer. I’m much more comfortable wearing these because I think my body shape just looks better in them. Although – this is funny/sad – when I wear skirts at the beginning of the week they fit fine but towards the end of the week (like today!) I am swimming in some of my skirts and they start to twist and turn all around and the waist rides up so I am constantly readjusting/straitening it out. I have a few fall dresses and skirts that I can wear with tights, but not enough.

I’ve been having issues with my hair. This is really disturbing because I’ve never had hair problems. My hair is long and thick, so much so that when I get my haircut I have to ask my hairdresser to “thin it out” with layers and a razor. But lately, I’ve been noticing that parts of my head are “going bald,” specifically, where my side bangs part. It’s awful and I’m almost certain it’s due to my diet. I’m not getting in enough calories and I’ve been really inconsistent with taking my vitamins. I used to take them first thing in the morning, but now I don’t eat breakfast and I don’t like taking vitamins on an empty stomach so I just forget. I need to do a better job with that. Does anyone have issues with their hair? Have you found anything that works to improve it?

scale games

Down -3.2lbs this morning from Monday’s weigh-in. It’s crazy sometimes how much water/glycogen weight I shed at the beginning of each week. I was feeling pretty lean last night and this morning, which is a nice feeling. I did OK yesterday in regards to my plan. I kept my calories under 700, as planned, but instead of going straight home and to the gym I decided to go shopping for work clothes. I got in some extra walking (and bought a new sweater top), but by the time I got home it was prime-time/post-work rush hour at the gym and I didn’t feel like dealing with that. I still had an urge to workout though so I put on my running shoes and went for a 2 mile run outside. I am so sore today!!! I think 20 mins of running outside on the pavement is equivalent to about 40 mins of elliptical work at the gym for me. I wish I could have run longer but I was low on energy and semi-dehydrated (I didn’t drink water all day, only coffee and tea… whoops!). Today I plan to keep my calories around 700 again and make it to the gym for cardio and weights. I have class on Wednesday and Thursday (no gym days) so I need to go today.

Lately, I feel like I’ve just been barely staying above water. I was thrown into the deep end when classes started two weeks ago, and since then I’ve just been treading water and trying to stay afloat. I’ve been pretty good with my school work, trying to stay on top of all my studies and assignments. Since each class only meets once a week for 3 hours we are assigned a lot of work and reading to complete on our own. Last night I spent about 4-5 hours reading one case and taking notes. It’s a lot of work and staying on top of it all is exhausting, but I signed up for this so I can’t really complain. The downside is that I haven’t seen certain friends in weeks and spoken to certain out-of-town friends in months! I’m still adjusting to my new schedule, but I know I need to make a bigger effort now to stay in touch with friends. Sometimes it’s just really hard to balance work + school + working out + friends + family + boys. I basically don’t go out during the week anymore. That time is spent on working out, studying, and going to class. Weekends are also devoting to studying, but I also try to catch up on sleep and go out with friends and boys AND visit my family. I can’t do everything though, so I need to find a balance. Balance: it’s basically what I’m always working on. I tend to do things in extremes (starve/overeat, go out get drunk/become antisocial and hibernate, annoyingly text boys/barley text even though I’m interested).

I feel like I’ve been becoming more in-tuned with my body. Before I step on the scale I make a guess and 8/10 times I’m spot on (not down to the decimal, but I usually get the XXX.XX part right). I then play games with myself and say things like “OK if I’m above XXXlbs then I can’t eat that, but if I’m below then I can” or “If I weigh more than XXXlbs then I have to run, but if I’m below I can skip my workout” even though I already have a pretty good idea of which side I’m on. I did that yesterday with the run. Why? I don’t know. But, I told myself I could skip the run if I was below a certain weight and (even though I was feeling light and lean and kind of *knew* I’d be below) I went along with the game and stepped on the scale and, lo and behold, I was below. I still went on the run though. Grrr. Does anyone else go through this? Try to self-sabotage your efforts?

(non) date update

My date with N didn’t happen this weekend. I am pretty bummed because I was looking forward to seeing him. This is what happened: Thursday night I get a text from N saying, “Hey K it’s N we met last Saturday at _______. Would love to grab a drink with you, what are your plans this weekend?” And I responded with, “Hey! It was great meeting you N, let’s definitely get together. I will be around this weekend.” He then replied with, “Perfect. I will shoot you a text tomorrow to see what you’re up to. I may have to work late but maybe after we can meet up.” And I said “Sounds great.” Anyway, he ended up having to work late on Friday (I'm assuming) so we never got together. He then texted me on Saturday asking what I was up to for the night and I told him that my friend was suppose to be visiting but plans fell through. He said one of his friends was flying in from out of town but the flight was delayed so he asked if I wanted to grab drinks and I said “Sure, let’s do it.” I was really excited to see him and wanted to look really cute so I did my hair, changed my outfit like 5 times, and was in the middle of doing my makeup when he texted “Shit looks like my friend’s flight will be here in 45 minutes. I won’t be able to make it tonight sorry… maybe tomorrow.” At that point I was really upset because I was looking forward to going out and seeing him. I know he had no control over the situation, but I felt like I was being stood up even though I wasn’t. I was just bummed because I was 90% ready and he had canceled last minute. I didn’t want to respond because I was so upset but I just said “Okay have a good night.” I wouldn’t have been able to see him on Sunday, but he never got in touch with me anyway so it didn’t matter. I don’t know how to do the text game. Usually, I’ll text the guy a lot in the beginning if I like him and I'm interested in him. For instance, on Friday he never called or texted to let me know he was working late (annoying) so on Saturday I was going to text him and be like “Work late last night?” but only in a cuter/much nicer way. But then I decided not to because I want the guy to really pursue me for once! And I thought it paid off because he eventually got in touch with me on Saturday, but now I’m tempted to text him again and just say something like “hey how was your weekend?” But, maybe I shouldn’t? This is why I am single!!! I don’t know how to do this kind of stuff. Do I text him so he knows I’m interested or do I let him chase me for a while?? UGH. What would you girls do? I’m pretty sure his cousin already told him I’m really interested though so maybe I’ll just let HIM keep doing the work… then after we finally go out I’ll change that.

It’s Monday and I didn’t maintain my Friday weight over the weekend so I’ll be focused on that. Today’s game plan is to eat below 700 calories (salad, grilled chicken, veggies, tuna) and hit the gym for lots of cardio and some weights. I feel like I'm abusing my body and I hate that. I don't feed it like I should and I put A LOT of caffeine in my system. I am definitely becoming way too dependent on it. On average, I have AT LEAST 400mg of caffeine a day to sometimes up to 600-800mg a day. I just did a quick google search and it looks like 400-500mg is a "safe" amount, according to one study. Blah I don't know.

weight & date

I haven’t posted in a while. Life has been very hectic now that I’m working full-time and going to school two nights a week. My sleep schedule is totally off and I’m only sleeping about 6 hours per night instead of my usual 8 or so. I haven’t crashed yet, but I feel like I will soon. I’ve just been in GO GO GO mode for two weeks straight now. I’m hoping to catch up on some sleep this weekend.

I had an OK weight week this week. I overate again over the weekend (FML) so I basically spent Monday through Thursday losing that weekend weight. It’s such a frustrating and annoying cycle, but I have so much trouble reversing it or getting my eating under control over the weekend. I restrict, restrict, restrict all work-week that by the time I hit Friday I just want to RELAX and my body just wants to eat. I know I can try to adjust my calories higher during the week so I don’t feel so “deprived” and overeat during the weekend, but to be honest I don’t trust that concept. And I don’t trust myself. So I don’t want to eat higher calories during the week because I’m scared I’ll still overeat during the weekend, and that’s just a complete lose/lose situation. So I’d rather try and do it this way. It’s a work in progress more than anything. I can’t expect my weekend eating habits to completely change overnight. When I “overeat” during the weekend I don’t mean in the sense that I completely binge and eat tens of thousands of calories. I just don’t eat very healthily. I eat lots of junk food in individual sizes like: one person lean cuisine pizza, 6-pack of oreo cookies, small box of cheese itz, pb sandwich at my parents’ house, pretzels, etc, etc. So to that point, I also think the majority of the “weekend weight” I gain is just water weight and glycogen. BUT, that’s still reflected in the scale so when I weigh-in on Monday morning it can sometimes be as much as +5lbs from my Friday weight (gross, I know). But then I’ll restrict all day on Monday and my weight will drop -3lbs for Tuesday’s weigh-in and then over the next couple of days I’ll lose about 1lb per day. So basically, I make like NO PROGRESS AT ALL on a week to week basis. Wow, I need to work on this... I guess the good part is that I am feeling much leaner than I was a few months ago.

I want to be skinny for fall clothes so I need to really, really, really work on this.

Other parts of my life have been good. I’m going on a date tonight! With a boy I met on Saturday at my friend’s place. I have butterflies just thinking about it AH. The moment he walked into the apartment I was completely drawn to him. He’s tall, dark, and handsome. We chatted on/off throughout the night and had a lot in common. I had to leave early to go meet up with some other friends, but last night I got a text from his cousin (who I’ve met a couple of times now and have slowly became friends with) that said N asked for my number and if it was ok to give it to him :) At one point on Saturday, M (who is gay and fabulous) and I were talking about what our “type” was and I said N was totally my type and he said he would “make that happen” haha. I didn’t really think it would though (because I have zero self-confidence), so I’m very excited about all this.

I plan to catch up on everyone's blogs this weekend. I hope you all are doing well.

gw1-ish

I woke up this morning, stepped on the scale, and weighed-in in the 119’s. Hallelujah. Why it takes me so long to break 120 is, really, unbeknownst to me. I did OK yesterday. I didn’t workout because I had a three-hour class right after work. I still haven’t figured out my meals for school days. Yesterday I ate: no breakfast (0), homemade lunch salad (175), apple (90), small cup of chicken noodle soup (80-100?), half an oatmeal raisin cookie (??) pria powerbar (110), string cheese (90), popcorn (100). Total was about 700-800 if I overestimate the soup and half cookie at 100 calories. The cookies were laid out before class and I ate one to rev up my brain power (actually they just looked delicious). I’ve been so anxious about my new schedule that I haven’t been thinking about food much. When I got home last night I was pretty hungry but not enough for an actual meal so I ate some string cheese and a bag of 100-calorie popcorn.

Today is Friday! I am sooo exhausted from this week. I couldn’t fall asleep again last night but was still able to clock in about 6.5 hours. My plan for the weekend is to catch up on some sleep (!!), relax, do homework, do laundry, and see my friends (finally). Today after work I’m going to hit the gym (even though I’m really tired) because I haven’t worked out since Tuesday. I’m thinking I’ll do 60 mins cardio, more if I have the energy. My goal is to go to the gym every single day for the next 5 days so 60 mins should be good today. My motivation right now is wine haha. I told myself that I can only have a glass or two of wine later tonight if I get a workout in. Usually, when I make up these little rules for myself I stick to them so I’m confident that I’ll be on plan for the day.

We got free lunch at work today: sandwiches and pizza. I tried to look for the least calorie sandwich and went with half a tomato, mozzarella, pesto sandwich. It wasn’t even that great (ugh), but according to the website it was about 600 calories for a whole sandwich, so I ate about 300. I’m not sure what’s on the menu for the rest of the day but my goal is to stay on my low-calorie plan all weekend. TGIF

school daze

Down -0.8lbs this morning. I will take it, especially since I had such a big scale move the previous morning. Yesterday was nuts. I was on the go non-stop: went to work, doctor’s appointment, back to work, school for three hours, and then finally home. I had so many nerves due to the first day of school, which made my appetite basically non-existent. I ate an apple and protein shake for lunch (190) and another apple for dinner (90). Then I had my evening class. I made the mistake of getting a large green tea from Starbucks for class. I had already had about 500mg of caffeine in my system and the green tea added 50-100mg more. I really need to back off on the caffeine because I couldn’t unwind at all last night when I got home from class. I was up until 1am, which meant I only got 5.5 hours of “sleep.” The good news is that I was able to crank out 2.5 hours of reading/homework last night. But this can’t become a habit so I need to adjust my caffeine intake big time.

I’ve been brainstorming food/meal plans for school nights. I was unprepared yesterday. Halfway through class we had a break and most people got a snack of some sort. I knew I should eat something because I only 280 calories so far, but pickings were slim. I ended up getting a package of those crackers with peanut butter. Only 190 cals, so that wasn’t bad. But again, I don’t’ want to make vending machine snacks a habit so I need to plan better. I’m thinking I will either do soup for lunch and then homemade salad pre-class on school nights or homemade salad for lunch and apple with a protein bar pre-class. Tonight I’m bringing water (!), an apple, and then I’m going to get a granola bar or high-protein bar if it’s available. UGH food planning is annoying sometimes. The great part about school is that it takes up 6 hour of my week now, which is 6 hours that I used to spend watching tv and snacking. When I got home last night I was pretty hungry (only 470 cals for the day versus my usual 600-900) so I made a salad and then had a string cheese.

I’m really happy tomorrow is Friday. I’m excited to catch up on some sleep this weekend and just relax after a crazy day of work/school. Tonight is another three hours of class. I must watch my caffeine intake!

staying on track

Down 3lbs from yesterday!! Clearly, you can’t lose 3lbs of fat overnight so there’s definitely some water weight and glycogen involved there. But I did wake up this morning feeling super lean and light. And I also notice changes in my body. For instance, my stomach is much leaner and there is little/no bloat versus a few months ago when I had some pudge going on. I’ve been overeating and “overcarbing” on the weekends, which is making it difficult for me to make any significant progress on the scale. But I’m still seeing changes. Maybe this means the scale is reflecting excess water weight instead of fat? I do not know.

I do know that I’m very thankful for this blog because it really holds me accountable. I stuck to my plan yesterday to the T even though I wanted to quit at one point. I was on the treadmill doing my 1.25 mile run and I so badly wanted to stop after the 1 mile because I was “tired” and felt a bit claustrophobic with people running right next to me, BUT I remembered that I told you girls that I would do 1.25 so I sucked it up and did it! I didn’t start this blog with that mindset… but writing/typing out my goals really helps me and motivates me to achieve them. Overall, my gym workout yesterday consisted of: 60 mins on the arc trainer, 1.25 miles running @ 7 mph on the treadmill, and then 10 mins of alternating sprints @ 9.5 mph and walking at 3 mph. I felt great afterwards. Food wise I also stuck to my plan and came in at about 650 calories.

Today is going to be a very busy day for me. I only got 6 hours of sleep last night (I like to get 8) so it could also be a looooong day for me too. I had such a hard time falling asleep last night. I think I had too much caffeine in my system. But that stuff really helps me GSD (get shit done) so I don’t see myself giving it up anytime soon. Usually I’m grumpy the next morning when I don’t sleep well, but thanks to the scale this morning that’s not the case. Anyway, I have work then it’s straight to my first class tonight. Three hours!! I know I’ll be able to get through it tonight, but I’m sure those three hours are going to get old fast. Work + school means no gym today. This was another reason I tried to have good gym session yesterday. I have class again tomorrow night so I won’t make it back to the gym until Friday, which is usually my off day. I get a total “Friday” mindset that makes me want to just veg out after work and drink booze and eat yummy (but bad) foods. This mindset needs to be broken!!

I didn’t know what to make for my meals today. I have a doctor’s appointment at lunchtime so I didn’t pack my usual salad. Instead I packed 2 apples and I plan to buy 2 of those already made protein shakes after work, so I can have an apple and shake for lunch and then another apple and shake for dinner. Meh. I had no idea what to pack? I think this will hold me over through work and school and fill me up though. In total it’s about 400 calories. This can’t be my school day meal/meals though so I definitely need to come up with other ideas.

tuesday

Back on the grind. It feels like a Monday morning, but it’s really Tuesday. That’s definitely one of the perks of a long holiday weekend. It was raining when I woke up this morning and I think I changed my outfit about 10 times because I didn’t know what to wear. At first I was going to wear pants to work because rain = cold and wet and I thought I’d be more comfortable wearing pants. But I looked fat (thighs!!) in all of them. I was running late so I decided on a skirt, which I’m happy about because my calves and ankles are at least somewhat slim and plus it’s still warm out. Anyway, the scale gave me the “typical Monday morning number.” I feel so carb-ed up and full from this weekend’s drinking and eating. Gross. If all goes well today I should be down -2lbs tomorrow (water weight).

I have no plans after work today so I’m going to hit the gym long and hard! I managed to make it to the gym yesterday morning, which was great. I told myself that I have to workout AT LEAST 4 days per week now that I’m back in school (classes start tomorrow). I won’t be able to workout on school night (Wednesday and Thursday) and I skipped the gym on Sunday, which meant I absolutely HAD to go yesterday. I can definitely say this – I’ve never regretted a workout. I did 40 mins on the arc trainer, 20 mins weights/abs, and ran 1 mile sort of fast on the treadmill. I’ve been doing so much elliptical/arc trainer work so my running sucks. I need to build up my running endurance and stamina. Today I’m going to do 1.25 miles and then keep working my way up. All cardio today since I did weights yesterday.

I need to plan out my food/meals for the week. I’m not sure what I’m going to do on school nights with dinner etc. I could skip dinner obviously, but I function better with food. I don’t know, I have another day to think about it. For today it will be: no breakfast (0), healthy lunch salad (170), cheese stick (90), chicken (150), corn (70), fudgesicle (40). Also, I did some homework/reading for school yesterday and I was snacking like crazy. THIS CAN NOT BECOME A HABIT. So I’m making a new rule for myself: when doing school work I can only chew sugar-free gum and drink non-cal/low-call liquids like water, tea, coffee, and maybe low-cal/no-sugar added hot chocolate (my fav in the winter).

holidays & thighs

I have a love/hate relationship with three-day holiday weekends. I love them because I get an extra day off from work! But, I hate them because they mess up my routine. My weekend was mostly low-key. I visited my parents on Sunday and I found a big box of old photos. I started looking through them and found a bunch of me growing up. I hate to admit it, but I completely jealous of the old me - the old me between the ages of 11-17. I was so young and fresh and slim. Yes, I was awkward then too. But, I was also naturally and effortlessly thin. My thighs especially looking really slim. I want those back!! It was probably due to the fact that I was a growing pre-teen/teen, but I’m trying to think back to what I did at that age. I was a good kid. I didn’t smoke or do drugs. I partied a little, but not a lot because I played sports and we practiced every single day after school and our games were always on the weekends. In middle school I played basketball and soccer and then in high school I ran cross-country and played soccer. I remember snacking a lot after practice. But I also remember lounging around the house during the summer and not snacking because there was “nothing to eat!” in my house.
Looking back at these pictures (which I did take home with me) I also looked much taller then?! How is that possible? I had a growth spurt in middle school and then stopped growing around 14 maybe? I don’t know exactly. I could be way off with that. But I do look taller (even though that’s not possible?). Maybe it’s because I was leaner and less curvy with less hip and thigh action going on then. I want that back!! I have too much “meat” on my bones now. I need to strip off this fat.
I don’t know what my plan is going forward. I think I need a new one though. I don’t feel like I’m making progress with my goals. I start out great and lose Monday through Thursday, but then I gain over the weekend. It’s like this: I starve myself for days then my body gets very tired and hungry and I think “oh I’ll just eat this to reward myself” and I eat something normal, something with a bit of caloric value, something with carbs and/or sugar. And then next morning my weight goes up and I freak. So I get sad and depressed and eat again on Saturday. Then I tell myself I can have one more day of eating before I get back to work on Monday. This needs to stop!! But I’m not sure if I can starve myself for days and weeks and months on end. I did a plan a few years ago and was VERY consistent with it, but I lived with my parents at the time and used them (without them knowing) as a checks-and-balance/food police. So I didn’t snack at all and I didn’t eat poorly because I didn’t want them to see me fail (even though they wouldn’t have cared.. or notice!). Classes start on Wednesday and I’m getting very anxious about having a plan and sticking to it and eating right and getting my workouts in. This interferes with my routine but it’s going to be my new routine for a few years so I better get used to it.
One thing I’m definitely going to do is start running. I think that will help slim down my thighs. I do a lot of cardio on the elliptical right now, so I’m just going to switch it up and RUN. Have any of you girls gotten results from running? Or do you have any suggestions for slimming down your thighs? I know you can’t spot reduces… but maybe you’ve noticed something that has worked for you in the past?

numb

I've been writing blogger posts and then deleting them because I don't feel like they are worth posting. I don't know what's going on with me, but I just feel sad lately. Sad and numb. I'm so tired. Tired of trying. I did fine with my diet and workout plan this week, although I had an graduate school orientation event on Wednesday and a happy hour last night that interfered with my plan. But I feel so blah and indifferent about it all right now. I feel spiritless, like a walking zombie. I want to cry, but I'm too tired to even do that. I feel lost, like I don't know what I'm doing here.

I went out to happy hour with friends last night. M was there with the new boy she's been dating. I realized she is a huge trigger for me. I think that's why I feel the way I do today. She so easily falls in love with boys and they were being really cute last night. He kept kissing her on the head and rubbing her back. I couldn't help but feel jealous. I don't know why I can't have that in my life. I'm so awkward with guys and dating. I don't even know HOW you get from date #1 to kisses on your head and holding hands and having him rub your lower back. I just don't know. Dating scares me so much because I just don't know how to interact with potential boyfriends. I'm 26 and I've never had a serious boyfriend. As I was falling asleep last night was thinking about how I could never picture myself as being that girl that's out in public being affectionate with the guy she's dating. It makes me so sad. I don't want to be alone forever. I started being ridiculous and thinking about how I don't even want to live past 30 if I'm just going to be single my whole life.

I apologize about the depressing tone of all of this. I just don't know what to do. I can't talk to anyone about any of this. I just want love. I just want to be loved...