feeling good

Things are going really well. Granted, it's only been a couple of days that I've been able to get back on track BUT I'm feeling good about myself and my progress thus far. Eating Right and Working Out and seeing the Scale Go Down has been a huge motivator for me to keep going and not slip up. It's hard work (as you know!) and reminding myself that it's hard helps me avoid situations and actions that will reverse my progress.

Yesterday was particularly good. I was off from work and ended up fasting until 4pm then I just kept my calories clean and low for the rest of the day. I was so productive during the morning - gym, homework, cleaning. It just felt really good. Today I packed a small salad for lunch. It's going to be a busy day with work and school so I won't be able to hit the gym, but I'm OK with that since I got a good workout in yesterday and will be able to go Wed-Sun.

positive step foward

I'm feeling good. I want to record this so I don't forget how good it feels to eat healthy foods and exercise. I've been sticking to salads, fruits, fish, grilled chicken, and yogurt for the most part. I did have 6 saltines with peanut butter yesterday. Still, the scale was down this morning and I was happy about that. Today I've been really good, ignoring my cravings and sticking to my plan. I was craving candbury eggs earlier today. A week ago I would probably have caved in and gone to the store after work and to buy one too many. But, I told myself this would be a perfect opportunity to help build up my willpower and self-discipline and that I DON'T want to eat those and that they won't even taste as good as imagine. And it worked! Instead, after work I went straight to the gym and banged out 45 minutes of hardcore cardio and 15 minutes of body weights.

I want to thank you girls for your comments. They encouraging and really, really appreciated. Thank you for helping me pick myself back up when the going gets tough :)

wtf

What is wrong with me?! I've never been like this before. I'm out of control, in the relative sense. I lack complete control over my eating habits. I know I've said this before, but I used to be SO, SO, SO disciplined with my eating. Food turned me off and I would only eat super clean, super healthy foods with minimal carbs and minimal fats. I didn't eat much in front of others and having people around really helped to keep my eating in check for that reason. I'm just starting to understand this in retrospect. The past few days have been mixed. I start out really good but then I just get so hungry and can't stop snacking after dinner. Also, the scale hasn't done much this week which is what's REALLY bothering me. I hate that thing and the power it has over me. I NEED to weigh myself every morning and if I see a number I'm not OK with, it ruins my day.

I need to get my shit together because I feel fat and sad about this. I've had several false starts since the New Year. I don't know what it's going to take to get me back on track. Granted, I'm still maintaining BUT I'm higher than I was during the Christmas holidays and I know that if I don't do something drastic now then this can really get out of control. Do Not Want.

I don't know what to do anymore. Over the past few weeks I've been stocking my kitchen with very healthy foods like apples, carrots, hummus, but then I "binge" on the hummus and eat the tub without a couple of days. It's horrible. I think I need to keep my fridge and kitchen cabinets bare for now. I'm also going to try to post daily with my calorie intake and workouts, etc. I hate this.

day off

Happy President's Day. I'm off from work today, which is nice. I love these three-day weekends. They give me more time to relax, clean, and run errands, etc. I slept until 10AM this morning and it felt awesome. I barely ever get to sleep in these days. Things have been going A-OK for me. Not wonderfully awesome, but not terribly bad. I've been maintaining but that's all going to change because I've devised my plan to burn fat, get thin, and get fit. I know what it takes to get there and what I need to do to get *my* body there but it all comes down to motivation and self-disciple and willpower for me. I've lost those things these past few months. Self-disciple especially. I used to be so disciplined when it came to things, especially eating/exercising. I have no idea what happened there, but I'm determined to gain that self-disciple back. I've been doing a lot of reading on it and, like any muscle, you can strengthen and build your self-disciple if you just work at it. So that's what I'll be doing.

I'm going to go back to restricting. I'll use supplements and tea and gum to suppress my appetite. THIS works for me, but I just need to back sure I stay on track and don't mess up. Otherwise, it's all downhill if I do. Workout wise I want to incorporate more body-weight circuits and running. I was in the best shape of my life when I worked out 5-6 (sometimes 7) days per week doing resistance training and HIIT/running on the treadmill. So I'm going to do that. My birthday is in about a month. I have a very specific goal in mind and if I meet that goal I plan to buy myself the new iphone. I really wanted to go on a vacation, but no one is free the days I would be able to get away. So iphone it is.

I hope all you lovely ladies are doing well. It sounds like most of you are.

update

I haven't updated in a while. Things have been fairly inconsistent for me as of late. One day I'm hardcore restricting and exercising and the next I'm raiding my local grocery store for snacks and candy. I'm trapped in a horrible cycle and I've been too ashamed to write about it. I heavily restrict for a period of time and reach a weight that gives me a sense of entitlement to eat "normally" or cheat. And so I do. I sit at home alone and secretly eat a whole bag of chex mix (~500 calories) or something of that nature. It isn't horribly bad, but it's way more calories than I need to be consuming. And it's complete junk that I don't need to be ingesting.

I don't know what to do at times. I swear, I used to have so much willpower. When all the eyes are on me or when I'm in the spotlight or under surveillance that I can adhere like no other. But the minute I'm left to my own devices and I'm on my own, I "binge". I don't think I've ever eaten more than 3,000 calories in one day, but I've eaten more than 1,000 in one sitting. It's sickening to think about.

I just want to be skinny. And thin. And fit. I want the confidence that comes along with a low bf%, a low weight. I want that feeling of slight superiority. Of feeling like I'm worth something. Of feeling like I have something to bring to the table. I want that feeling back. That feeling of control. That feeling of empowerment.

By the way, I am drunk. I've been replacing food calories with alcohol calories.

february

I haven't updated in a while. Life has been really busy and, to be honest, I haven't been doing that great on the eating/exercise front. I don't know what has happened to my willpower but it has all but vanished. I had planned to spend my January school break working out and eating right so I could return to school thin and toned. Usually deadlines motivate me, but not this time. It backfired in a big way. When I realized I wasn't making the kind of progress I had hoped for I gave up. I think it all started around New Years Eve and since then things just haven't been that great.

But today is a new month, new beginning. I need to get my butt in gear. I feel bloated and flabby and I hate it. I'm going back to the basics and will keep my eating plan simple for the next two weeks: lots of protein, veggies, and water. I also need to workout with weights and run my butt off. I know I can do it if I just take it one step at a time and one day at a time. I tend to get very impatient and want to lose like 1 lb/day but that's not realistic. So I just need to get my head around that. This is more of a mind thing than anything else for me. If I stick my mind to it, it's easy. But often times my head plays tricks on me and I end of self-sabotaging myself.

I hope you all are doing well. I left for a while but now I'm back so I'm excited to catch up on everyone's blogs.