Friday, January 20, 2012


TGIF! I couldn't be happier about the weekend being here. Monday was a holiday so I only worked four days this week, but it felt like the longest week ever. Even though I was able to get 8+ hours of sleep on Wednesday and Thursday I'm still feeling very tired. I don't know what it is. The weather? The cold? The lack of food (and energy)? It's all of the above, I'm sure.

This week was good for the most part. I had two back to back days of hardcore restricting and hardcore gym sessions, which I felt really good about. Yesterday was tough. I was tired all day at work but managed to talk myself into going to the gym afterwards. That's usually the hardest part for me - just getting to the gym. But yesterday was different. Once I got there I could barely do anything. My body was just drained. I did the "easy elliptical" but could only last 30 minutes. It was bad. So I did some weights for arms/chest/back/shoulders. All in all it was about a 45-minute gym day, which isn't too bad. When I got home I was absolutely starving. I stuck to my low cal dinner and snacks but then ended up eating an additional low-cal boca burger and some almonds because my body was just so freaking hungry and tired. As expected, the scale was up this morning but only by 0.4lbs so I'm not stressing. Also, when I got home from work I stepped on the scale again and it was down again so I felt better about that.

This weekend I WILL stick to my plan. If I can do that then I'll be good to go from here forward. The weekends are the hardest for me as I've said many, many times before so I'm going to test myself this weekend. And I'm very competitive so I'm hoping for the best. My plan is to feed my body with only healthy (but yummy!) foods like yogurt, mixed salad, fruit, hummus, etc. I may increase my intake to 1200 for my sanity. Although, healthy foods are usually super low in calories so we'll see if I do that. We're getting snow this weekend but I can walk to the gym so that shouldn't be an issue.

I've been really, really, really, bloated lately. My lower abdominal area feels and looks like it's always sticking out. I have no idea what causes this. I did a google search and it looks like it could be anything from a food allergy causing it to just really poor posture over the years. Before I started working in 2007 I didn't have this problem. But before 2007 I always didn't have problems with food and body image so who even knows...

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

so tired

I need, need, need to get in bed by 10pm. I'm exhausted. It's only 9am. And it's only Wednesday! I didn't get much sleep this weekend and, even though I had planned to, I didn't I catch up on it earlier in the week either. Yesterday I had way too much caffeine in my system and was tossing around for 2 hours or so before I finally fell asleep. So my goal is to get in bed by 10pm tonight, no later!

I want to thank you for the lovely comments. I'm feeling a bit better today, but yesterday I was still down. I have bouts of depression or maybe seasonal depression. Some days I'm just so out of it and all I want to do is hide away, be alone, and eat my feelings. But I was extremely aware of how I was feeling yesterday and I made the extra effort to try and improve my mood. Soo what did I do? Restricted hardcore and went to the gym for almost 2 hours, of course. I felt good afterwards and even better when I stepped on the scale this morning. I know a lower weight and fitter body will make me feel better so I really need to just focus on that goal. I feel like a broken record though. I make all these goals work hard for a week or so but I'm not consistent so I don't make significant progress. I don't know what to do to change this. I think I may seriously need to increase my cal intake and no be so hardcore about restricting because obviously that doesn't work for me and I end up overeating on the weekends.

My new goal is to eat whole foods only. NO JUNK food. If I don't buy it, I can't eat it. So no buying junk food whatsoever. This includes snackwells cookies, individual size lean cuisine pizzas, popchips, etc. I may even nix the diet coke. Yes, the diet coke! I didn't have any yesterday (because I ran out) and I have to admit it wasn't that bad just drinking water. So, I think I will limit the diet soda as well and stick to water, tea, and coffee only. If I focus on clean, healthy foods and increase my intake I think I'd be better off than restricting then binging on junk. I mean, it even sounds better just writing it out. Relying on willpower no longer works for me. So i'm going to give this plan a go. I'm curious...

How many calories do you eat a day?

Sunday, January 15, 2012


Thing haven't been that good lately. I've been really struggling this weekend. My weight hasn't fluctuated (which is good), but my mood has. A lot. One moment I'm up and the next I'm down. It's been bad. I've been obsessively reading old journals as well as other peoples' blogs and I've become really overwhelmed. I just feel stuck. I really, really, really, really want to be skinny and I want it NOW. I worked really hard this past week but don't have much to show for it. I know that I can't expect to lose 5lbs or 10lbs or whatever overnight, but it's hard to stay motivated when I'm not making any progress.

My intentions are good. I have the right mindset and my goals are all laid out. I eat right and workout hard, but when I don't see any progress I feel defeated and start to eat things that I shouldn't be eating liiiiike lean cuisine pizza or pretzel m&m's or bbq popchips. These aren't horrible foods, but they aren't the clean and healthy foods that I want to be eating right now. Why can't I control myself? Where has all my disciple gone? My willpower? Ugh, it's just so disheartening. I keep going in circles. I don't think this is the right plan for me. Restricting Monday-Thursday and then going off plan Friday-Sunday has been getting me nowhere. Granted, it's only been about a week since I've starting this. But, I've done this numerous times before and I'm still at the same weight that I was a year ago. I just want to be skinny. I want to have the body I had when I was 17. Is that so bad? I walked into Forever 21 yesterday and saw girls 5-10 years younger than me and I was so envious of their thin thighs and arms.

I don't know what my plan will be from here on out. I just don't know..

Thursday, January 12, 2012

only thursday

Gah this week has been long! I haven't had a full work week in several weeks and I keep thinking that today is Friday. Only one more day until the long three-day weekend. I am getting a bit nervous about the weekend because weekends are when I tend to lose focus and veer off track. I eat and drink too much and workout too little. My workdays provide structure that allows me to build a routine that revolves around work, gym, healthy dinners, sleep. Free time to do whatever I want on the weekends is oh so lovely, but also very dangerous. I've already been invited to a few football-watching parties, which I am nervous about because those usually equal booze, snacks, and comfort foods. Today I'm going to confirm all my plans, schedule out my workouts, and plan out as many meals as I can. Must Stay Focused. Must Stay Strong.

I'm down about 2lbs since Saturday! Things have been going really well on the workout front. I've gone to the gym every day this week except for Tuesday because I after-work plans with a friend. I've been focusing on cardio, sprinting my little heart out on the treadmill and then doing an hour or so on one of the various elliptical type machines. I forgot how HUNGRY and TIRED these workouts make me!! After the gym yesterday I felt like I could eat a house! I was so, so, so hungry. I cooked a healthy stir-fry with chicken and tons and tons of broccoli, peppers, and onions but minutes later I was starving again. It was horrible. I snacked on string cheese and low-cal popcorn, which I'm not too happy about. I thought I would gain when I weighed myself this morning but, lo and behold, the scale dipped lower. I know it's the HIIT. Those workouts are ridiculous at burning fat and revving up your metabolism not only during the workout but also for hours and hours afterwards. It's no excuse to pig out though because then that just defeats the purpose. I was so tired last night and couldn't keep my eyes open past 10pm, which meant I was able to get in 8 hours of sleep! It felt awesome and I think I may try to make that a routine. At least for now while I'm still on break because I know I won't be sleeping much once classes start up again.

It sounds like most of you ladies are doing well and sticking to your New Years resolutions! I'm constantly inspired and motivated by you all.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

patience is a virtue

So far, things have been going really well. I've been able to devote my full attention to my goal now that the holidays over and my night classes are still on break. I went to the gym again after work yesterday and sprinted my butt off. Sometimes I get self conscious when I go hard on the treadmill, but yesterday I really didn't care. I just kept reminding myself that this is what I did 4 years ago and it WORKED so i'm going to do it again. After about 20 minutes I switched to the a hybrid elliptical trainer. It's like a stair climber and elliptical combined into one so it's much more difficult than a regular elliptical. I only managed to do 45 minutes and my legs were absolute jello by the end. It was a good gym day to say the least.

Food wise was fine. I stuck to my low-cal, healthy, clean foods. No sugar, no junk, no white foods (breads, rice, cereal, etc). Mostly high-protein, low-fat, low-carb things. I forgot how much my appetite increases when I push myself with the exercise. After dinner I was still really hungry so I ate a string cheese, 4 cherry tomatoes, and a few slices of celery with some hot tea. It did the trick and I was able to stay under 1000 calories.

I have to remember that patience is a virtue. I have a tendency to become very impatient when it comes to this, wanting instant results and instant gratification. And when I don't get that I sometimes get upset and depressed and what to give in, but I Can't and I Won't. One day at a time, one pound at a time.The scale is slowly going down so I just need to celebrate the small wins and focus on my goal. Today I'm going out with a friend after work. I was contemplating going to the gym before I meet her but then I wouldn't have time to shower and get ready and I don't want to do out with sweaty, dirty hair (ugh, girl problems). So I'm going to go home, clean, and do some abs and possible push-ups - things that won't get me too sweaty. I hope.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

just do it

Today was a really good day. I'm completley in the zone and I'm using every day as an opportunity to get closer to my goal. I want to do this and I will do this. Eating clean and healthy foods makes me feel so much more better and energized. I'm done with the junk food and the unhealhty restaurant meals.

I spent most of the morning window shopping and making returns. I got up early, took a shower, put on a cute outfit and was on my way. Shopping is so theraupetic somtimes. Just walking around the store, picking out new clothes, and trying them on. I don't know why but I like the feeling I get from this activity. It's calming, especially early in the morning when no one is around. I walked around the city for about three and half hours. Then I came home, had a small snack, and hit the gym. I bought new socks, sports bras, and running pants/leggings the other day, which has been an awesome motivator to hit the gym. I kicked my butt while I was there and did: 20 minutes sprinting/jogging, 60 minutes elliptical, and 10 minutes abs. I felt awesome afterwards and was on a compltele post-workout high. Then I came home, cleaned, and made dinner.

I've been trying to eat healthy and clean foods only. For breakfast I made scrambed egg whites with low fat cheese, tomatoes, bell peppers, and green scallions with two links of turkey sausage. I didn't eat lunch because I was out and about shopping but for my mid afternoon snack I ate two swiss cheasse/turkey roll-ups with mustard. Then dinner was grilled chicken, steamed brocolli, and garbanzo beans. So far, so good! I'll probably have some raw almonds between now and bed. I'm trying to keep my calories around 900-1000 for now since I plan to do lots of cardio. This is what worked for me before so I'm hoping it will work for me again!

Friday, January 6, 2012

my goal

I've set a personal challenge for myself: to get my 2008 body back. This was when I was in the best shape of my life. I had a tight, toned, and firm body that I fueled with only healthy and clean foods. I didn't focus on counting calories (obsessively, anyway) and was more concerned with what kind of foods I was putting into my mouth. I was also running like a mad woman, doing lots of cardio on the treadmill and some on the elliptical and bike. I was motivated, driven, and committed to achieving and maintaining a certain look. I had abs of steel. My goal is to get those back.

I will take it one day at a time, one pound at a time. But my main focus will be on the mirror and not on the scale. Actually, it will be on pictures because I don't even trust the mirror. I will take progress pictures every few days so I can easily compare and track my progress. This is what I did 4 years ago and it worked wonders. I may or may not share my pictures on here. I'm very self conscious and the pictures are really just for myself to track my progress. I will, however, report my progress in here.

For now I'm going to focus on the next 14 days. I'm going eliminate all junk food with empty calories and high caloric fatty foods from my diet. I'm going to increase my water intake and limit my diet soda consumption. I'm going to eat a balance of protein, veggies, and healthy fats. I'm going to focus on cardio at the gym. At least five days a week but six will be better, especially since I'm still on break from classes.

I'm going to do this. The only thing that can stop me is myself, and I refuse to let that happen.

(I'm not the biggest AS fan, but this is pretty inspiring! I particularly like #3 & #5!)

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

my story, sort of

I'm a late bloomer. A late bloomer when it comes to everything, including this. I was first aware of my body and my weight and my need to get smaller after I graduated from college. Before that, competitive sports kept me busy and in tip top shape. After the 2+ hour practices 5-6 days/week and 60 minute games 1-2 days/week ended and I began my first ever office job I became obsessed with my body and my weight. I had a fear that my muscle would turn into fat as I sat on my butt in front of a computer and behind the wheel of my car all day long. I was living with my parents to save money and the lack of control over my time and my meals and my overall life intensified my personal obsession with my body. All day I researched diets and nutrition and weight loss methods. My days revolved around working, going to to the gym, eating dinner, taking a shower, going to bed. I was isolated living in the suburbs with my parents.

I didn't own a scale when I started this all but within a matter of months I became leaner than I have ever been. I ate low-carb for the first time and dropped weight without even trying. At the gym, I focused on cardio including a treadmill workout I read in a magazine called High Intensity Interval Training where I would sprint for 30-40 seconds then jog for 45-60 seconds and repeat until I couldn't do it any longer. I was already in good shape but I kept getting smaller and leaner (I was definitely burning fat along with muscle at this point) and people would make comments/compliment me but I felt so uncomfortable about it. I didn't want to attract attention and I didn't want people to notice for some reason. I became scared to eat. I would shun chips, chocolates, snacks, breads, rice for fear of gaining back any of the weight I lost. It was hard work and often times I felt lonely and sad, but seeing my body get smaller and smaller kept me going. I would sit in my room alone at night and take pictures of my body and save them in a folder on my laptop so I could compare one week to the next.

That all started about four years ago. Tonight I found that lost folder of pictures and I want NOTHING MORE than to get back to that. I feel old and worn out now. Fat and flabby. I want to get back to toned and fit and small and strong and motivated. I want to be able to resist carbs and treats without a problem. I want that willpower. That motivation. That drive. I want to get back there so bad. That is my New Year's resolution. I know what worked to get there. I have the blueprint. Now I just need the willpower and the motivation.


I’ve been trying to find my footing since January 1st but I can’t seem to get myself organized. The weather has turned mild to frigid overnight and I just feel frozen in place. I should be checking things off on my to-do list and making long overdue plans with friends, but I just can’t seem to get myself moving. I feel like I need a break from Christmas break. I’m tired and feel like I might be getting sick. I wish I could just stay home, curl up on, and veg out.

My NYE weekend was OK. I had a lot of expectations and I don’t think they were met. I wanted to look hot in a cute little dress and dance up a storm with some boys, which didn’t really happen. I ended up buying a whole new outfit for the night because I felt way to fat to wear the one I had planned to (even despite dieting hard the whole week before). I was so focused on working out and eating nothing the few weeks before NYE that I’m now just burnt out. I still want to get thin, diet, and hit the gym hard but I can’t muster up the energy just yet. I think I need a few days off to recoup and organize myself. I’ve been researching (read: google-ing) celebrity workout plans. I need to switch it up in the gym. I love Jessica Alba to death and want her body. Even after two kids she still looks awesome. I googled her workout plan and found a ton of info about her trainer and what she does, but for some reason I don’t buy it. The workout is 1 hour long broken up into 10 minute cardio bursts with arms/shoulders/chest/core workouts in between. I feel like she does way more cardio than that. I also googled Tracy Anderson’s method and that looks intriguing but I’m not sure I have the time to do that everyday (it takes about 2 hours or more). I just feel lost. I want to slim down and tighten up. I need to stop using the weight machines and free weights because my arms are getting too big. I think I just need to hit the cardio for a while and maybe do abs and pushups for arms.

What do you girls do for exercise? Whose bodies do you admire?