Tuesday, August 30, 2011

no bloating

Things have been going pretty well. I woke up this morning feeling light and lean. The scale was also down from yesterday, although I will admit that I lost some ground over the weekend so I’m sort of where I was on Friday. Weekends are the worst for me. I say this all the time, but the complete lack of routine/structure makes it really difficult for me to restrict and stick to my workout plan. This past weekend we were also faced with the threat of Hurricane Irene (thankfully the area I live in did not get hit hard), so I basically stayed in all weekend. Snooze. I cleaned my entire apartment from top to bottom (good), but I didn’t count cals and ate more than I should have. I didn’t pig out or anything but just ate enough to undue my progress a bit. Anyway: new day, new week.

Lately, I’ve been noticing the lack of my tummy bloat. I used to have the worst bloating every day. It wasn’t painful but it made me look pregnant. I would leave my apartment in the morning with a nice empty, flat stomach but when I’d get home from work I would have a bloated, pregnant-looking tummy. It was really disturbing. But lately this hasn’t been happening!! I don’t know why exactly. I’ve been trying to think of things that may have changed. Some possibilities: I don’t eat breakfast at all anymore (used to eat a low-cal yogurt or protein shake), I don’t drink caffeinated coffee (I now take supplements that contain caffeine), I no longer buy my lunch (I used to buy a salad from the salad bar every day, but now I pack my own homemade salad). I think those are the only real changes. Hmmm.

Anyway, does anyone watch the Jersey Shore? I can’t get enough of it. Those people are crazy, but the show is so entertaining. The last episode Ronnie and the Situation got into a physically alteration and Ronnie was storming around without a shirt on. At times he would lift his arms up in anger and you could see his ribs from the back. It was amazing!! He is a total “juicehead” and a bit short but he has a nice physique.

Yesterday was good. I’ve come to the realization that Mondays are my best days. I just naturally restrict and I’m naturally motivated to workout. I hit the gym after work and did 60 mins of vigorous elliptical work. Then I jogged/sprinted for 1 mile. Food wise I ate my homemade salad (160), grilled chicken with side of steamed peas (200), and two sugar-free fudgesicles (80). I was going to have tuna over some lettuce to get in more protein, but I was too lazy to prepare it… so I just substituted the tuna with a couple of glasses of wine. Oops.

Rachel B. Nutt: The supplements I take are called Prograde Metabolism. They are pretty pricey and can only be purchased online. I’m almost done with my bottle but I don’t think I’d buy them again. They are ok, but not worth the price (in my opinion).

Friday, August 26, 2011


I weighed in the same today, which I’m ok with. I had a few good losing days in a row so I can’t be greedy. Yesterday was pretty good. I hit the gym after work and did 20 mins of weights for arms/shoulders/chest/back, 15 mins of sprints/jogging, then 20 mins of elliptical. I love that post-workout feel. After the gym I went to CVS to purchase a cheapo flat iron to use while I wait for my other (more expensive) one to get fixed. Sometimes these stores can be a danger zone for me with all the snacks/candy on display. There was a time when I would grab a package of pretzel m&ms almost every time I went there. But yesterday I was really good and still on that post-workout buzz that it didn’t even cross my mind to get anything. It wasn’t even on my radar. I think it was also due to the metabolism supplement that I’ve been taking because that stuff definitely suppresses my appetite. For dinner I made a veggie burger with a side of steamed corn and a glass of wine.

I need to outline my plan for today. Friday-Sunday is when I struggle the most because I subconsciously associate The Weekend with Free For All/No Work and No Rules. I also get really down on myself because I often feel alone over the weekend. The work week keeps me really busy and distracts me from these feelings, but over the weekend I have way to much free time which means way to much free time to think. Anyway, enough of that pity party. I need to be strict with my cal intake today because (1) I’m going out to happy hour drinks after work and (2) I won’t be working out. Tomorrow I plan to eat my first meal at 12pm. I think it will help if I skip breakfast (which I do anyway during the work week) because not eating makes me not hungry, while eating just makes me hungry. If that makes sense? There are weekend days where I’ll get up and immediately eat breakfast… which makes me want to have a snack… then something sweet… then something salty… etc etc. It’s ridiculous. Hurricane Irene is expected to hit the East Coast this weekend so I’m not sure what I’ll be doing this weekend. I definitely need to clean my apartment though, that’s for sure.

By the way, thank you for all the support and the comments you guys leave. I appreciate it!

Thursday, August 25, 2011

losing & love

The scale continues to creep downward. I’m still hovering just slightly above my gw1, but I think if I have a really good day today and tomorrow I could hit it within the next couple of days. Once again, I was surprised to see the loss this morning. I did make it to the gym yesterday (60 mins of cracked-out elliptical and 5 mins of abs) and had a fairly low-cal chicken and veggie stir-fry homemade dinner (180 cals). That was the good part. The not so good part was that I had a 1.5 glasses of wine later on and one too many snacks. They were mostly “healthy” (carrots with hummus, sugar-free fudgesicles, grapes), but in total it was probably around an extra 300 of unplanned calories. It’s quite frustrating because in the moment I have one side of me (the angel?) that knows I shouldn’t and don’t want to be eating these snacks, but then the other side of me (the devil!) says who cares, live a little, try and be normal, you’re hungry, you’re bored, you’re lonely, eat. Blah. I ended the day just slightly over 1000 cals. Hopefully I can be a bit stronger today and (more importantly!) this weekend (which is the hardest part of the week for me).

The boy I drunkenly Facebook friend requested last week accepted the request haha. He didn’t say anything and I’m not planning to say anything either. It is really embarrassing for me. I hate when I do shit like that. I also hate that I’m still alone and single. I wish someone would sweep me off my feet already. I just want to have someone... someone to spend my time with, to confine in, to come home to after a long day at work, to cuddle with and watch movies, to have lazy Sundays with. Ugh why is this my life?! Last night I had a dream that I got engaged to a boy I dated 3 years ago. I was so happy in my dream. In real life this boy just got engaged a month ago. I dated him right out of college. I was really into him (he was the complete package.. gorgeous, smart, funny, kind) but I was young, still living at home, and only saw him once every week or sometimes every two weeks. He lived in the city and was a full-time law student so he didn’t really have for a relationship. Then that summer he took a 4 month internship on the other side of the country and we basically lost touch. That was that. I wish I was capable of loving someone and having someone love me. I don’t want to become an old cat lady maid…

Today I plan to hit the gym again: at least one hour of cardio and resistance training.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

back to my routine

Thank you for all the comments lately! The feedback and support I get from you girls is very motivating and inspiring for me so I want you to know I really appreciate it. In fact, Thin_Evny when I quickly read over your comment I first thought it said “I hope you get your ass to the gym tomorrow” and I thought “wow she’s tough” and told myself I would make sure to hit the gym tomorrow, no excuses. And then I re-read it again and realized it said “I hope I get my ass to the gym tomorrow.” :)

I was down another -1lb this morning. I weighed myself three times while my sister was in the shower because I didn’t believe it, but each time the scale gave me the same number. I’m not going to complain buuuut I’m a little skeptical. We’ll see what the lovely scale tells me tomorrow.

Yesterday was ok. I had coffee for breakfast and then my 150c salad for lunch. After work my sister and I walked around town. I didn’t go to the gym due to my sister’s visit so it was nice to get outside and get some type of exercise in. For dinner, I stuck with avocado maki and edamame (steamed soybeans). My sister ordered soup and an order of the veggie fried rice. She (like many normal food eaters I guess) was really excited about the menu and kept saying “wow that sounds so good” “oooh maybe I should order that” “mmmm that’s what I think I’ll get.” She was practically drooling over the menu haha, which totally turned me off. When people get excited about food I get really turned off and annoyed. (IAMSOWEIRD). Anyway, the rice dish was huge and she kept insisting I take some of it so I put a scoop on my plate, ate one bite, and moved the rest around my plate. I hate the feeling of having food forced upon me. It makes me really angry, when it shouldn’t. Later that night we watched cheesy reality TV and I munched on a string cheese and a sugar-free fudgesicle. This is why I wasn’t expecting to lose this morning. I think I had about 900 cals, but I’m not sure because restaurant food always throws me off.

My sister left this morning and I already miss her. It’s gong to be so quiet when I get home later. The plan for the day is to hit the gym hard and then have a nice low-cal homemade dinner. BTW, this is really random but does anyone have any suggestions for a really good flat iron? The wiring on my $100+ flat iron all f-ed up so I need to get a new one. It’s still under warranty so I’m going to send it back to get fixed, but in the meantime I need to get another one. I’m open to all suggestions and price ranges (I'm thinking of just getting a cheap (but good!) flat iron while I wait for this one to get fixed).

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

sister's visit & control issues

Where do I start? It seems like every time I open blogger I have a million and one thoughts swirling around my head and all of them are trying to get out onto the screen at once. Actually, even when I’m not blogging this seems to be the case. There’s just been so much on my mind lately between life, work, life, love, upcoming school, and life.

My sister got held up yesterday so she didn’t get to my apartment until after dinner time. I was able to make it to the gym and get in a workout (60 mins arc trainer, 5 mins abs, 1 mile walk/jog on treadmill). After that I grilled some yummy chicken and had a side of steamed corn (170c) while I waited for her. We ended up watching tv and talking and munching on hummus/carrots. I was under 650 cals for the day, which was good. These days I’m aiming for 700-900 cals. I’m not sure why. I was looking at some old food/exercise diaries and was in great shape three years ago when I ate 800-1000 calories and worked out 5-6 times per week. So I guess I’m trying to follow that plan. I went to bed feeling “empty” and was very aware of the feeling. It was really nice. The great thing about having my sister in town is that I don’t snack a lot. She’s my food police! I don’t like eating/snacking in front of other people because I feel like a pig, even in its low in cals. So I just had hummus/carrots and called it a night. I can snack all day and night when no one is around to watch/police my eating. This is why I think it would be nice to have a roommate sometimes. Just so I would have someone to use as a food police (and maybe also a social planner!). Right after I finished college I lived with my parents for a year to look for a job and save up some money. This is when my eating issues really got going. I felt like I was in high school again relying on my parents for rides (I didn’t have a car) and eating dinner with them every night. I lived an hour away from the city/my friends so I barely went out during that time. One of the only things I felt I had control over was myself, my body, and my food intake. So I started restricting and exercising a lot. Now that I live alone I have more control over other aspects of my life but I still feel the need to control my body and to get thin and to maintain that thinness. There’s just a whole new wretch that’s been thrown into the mix because it’s just a little to easy to eat an extra snack or two or skip a workout when no one is around to see.

Anyway, I was able to weigh myself this morning while my sister was in the shower. I’m down -1lb from yesterday. Tonight we having Asian cuisine (the restaurant serves both Chinese and Japanese food). I’m thinking of ordering a veggie or avocado maki roll with edamame. I know my sister is going to want to order noodles or rice or something of the like (and I’ll probably be tempted), but I need to say no and stick to my guns.

Monday, August 22, 2011

monday morning

It looks like I’ve picked up a few new followers – welcome!

Monday morning and back to work. After not using an alarm clock for 9 days straight, it was a real struggle to be woken up at 6:30am this morning. Oh well. The plus side is that I don’t hate my job and I actually enjoy what I do and the people I work with. Also, the structure of work really helps me stay on track with eating (or should I say not eating). I feel really “full” today. Like I have too much extra water, and alcohol, and food, and carbs in me. I restrict carbs (bread, pasta, rice, cereal, etc, etc) most of the work week but then “treat” myself a bit over the weekend (rice crackers, fat free Pringles, fiber bars) so by the time Monday rolls around I just feel… heavy. So it’s back to coffee and water and lettuce for this girl! I took a metabolism supplement this morning that has 200mg of caffeine. I feel AWAKE and not hungry at all. One guy in my office likes to bring in bagels every Monday. No thank you. All I’ve has so far is two cups of decaf coffee (I don’t want to OD on caffeine!). I packed a salad with feta (150c) for lunch. After work I plan to go to the gym to do 60-90 mins of cardio. My sister is arriving later today and I hope it doesn’t interfere with my plan. She knows I like to workout everyday so it shouldn’t be an issue. I’m just anxious about dinner and entertaining her. I really don’t want to go out to eat at all. It makes me so anxious and stressed just thinking about having to think about this stuff. It also makes me really anxious to have houseguests even when it’s my own sister! I just worry about how I’m going to “entertain” them. And I get anxious about having my stupid routine being interrupted. No why I’m alone and single. I’m so selfish with my time and my space. I like to be able to do what I want to do, when I want to do, and how I want to do. I feel too comfortable in my own company. When people come over and eat my food and watch my tv and use my laptop I get anxious and sometimes annoyed. And I hate that I feel that why. I usually always end up having a great time and always miss my family/friends once they leave. But right before they come (and sometimes) in the moment I get so stressed. #34534532 of things I need to work on.

Once my sister’s visit is over (she leaves Wednesday morning) I need to outline a plan for myself. If you fail to plan, you can plan to fail. That is so true for me!!

Saturday, August 20, 2011

happiness is a state of mind

I'm trying best to be positive right now, but that's hard to do sometimes when the scale dictates my mood on a daily basis. I'm not going to allow myself to freak out though. That never leads to anything good. I know that.

To recap:

Thursday was my "big event." Last week I made a goal to be at least 120 or lower for the event. I just made it and weighed in at 120 that morning. I wrote about the event in my last post. It was all good and fun. I ate (more than usually) and drank.

Friday was a mostly unproductive day. I know I'm getting old when it takes me a full day to recover from a night of drinking hard liquor. I spent most of the day in bed. I weighed myself and the scale was up from the day before.. due to the event food/drinks but also my period which happily greeted me when I woke up. UGH I was hungover and exhausted and bloated all day. I skipped breakfast and lunch and got a sandwich and soup for dinner. I hadn't eaten a sandwhich in the longest time! But after starving myself for days I decided to "treat" myself to it. Also, I felt like shit. I went to the gym even though I felt gross and did 20 mins of weights and 45 mins on the elliptical. I ate rice crackers after I got home.

Today I woke up and weight myself and AGAIN my weight was up. I really don't want to freak out about it because I KNOW that it's the extra food sitting in my gut, the alcohol from the past 3 days, and my period. It takes 3500 calories to gain one pound of fat. I have to keep reminding myself this because if I don't I risk throwing all of my progress out the window and "binging" on junk and fatty foods to help soothe my frustration and depression. I know myself and I know that cycle well.

Today I'm going to try and stay positive. I'm visitng my sister and have already had toast with peanut butter for breakfast. I don't allow myself to buy and store these foods (my favorite) in my own apartment, so when I visit family and they have these "forbidden" foods I usually eat them. The portions are controlled since I don't like to look like a fatty/eat a lot in front of others. Tomorrow I may do a fast 5. Monday-Wednesday morning my sister will be staying with me. This means dinners out. I'm sort of freaking out about it already because I get very anxious when my routine gets interrupted. I will still workout, but eating will be a wild card.

Friday, August 19, 2011

ME thursday

Today was okay. The scale went down again this morning but i didn't hit my gw1 of 119 even. I was very close though, which is encouraging. I spent most of the day running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to make sure i was perfect for my "big event." I worked on my tan, exercised, cleaned, went shopping for a new top, then got ready. I settled on a dress with brown sandal wedges. I felt pretty good about myself. I felt like I was put together and looked "cute." The event was okay. I went with my friend A and we didn't really know anyone else, which was fine. There was one guy I saw who I sort of know through friends of friends. I have the biggest crush on him because I think he's really cute, but of course we've never actually had a conversation before. And OF COURSE I sent him a drunk facebook friend request on my way home tonight. FML. This is why I have awful luck with guys and why I am still single. My friend A is at least 10lbs heavier than me yet she seems to attract the guys. Is thinner really the winner? If so, then why do I always feel like such a loser when A and I go out? Granted, she's very aggressive when it comes to guys. But still. I just don't get it...

Sometimes I just hate myself and the way I operate. I can't "settle" when it comes to guys. I can't just date to date. I always find something wrong with the guy. I always want the one that I can't have (for whatever reason that may be). I wish I was more adventurous. I wish I was more outgoing. That I took more risks. That I was more fun. That I was more talkative and engaging. And that I was good enough to date. I facebook requested/friended my "crush" (who I've never actually spoken to before, but have seen on occasion) at 12:20pm... I bet my bottom dollar that he doesn't accept. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I wish you could take back a friend request... FMLLLL.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

ME wednesday

The scale went down again this morning and I realized that I'm very close to my first gw of 119 (sad, I know). I actually weighed myself on my parents' scale at midday because I had to drop some things off and I was BELOW my first gw: 118 lbs. They have a non-digital scale. I'm not sure which one is more accurate (digital or non-digital) but I'm going to stick to the readings on my personal scale since that is the one I use daily. Either way, so close.

Today was busy. I woke up and ran a bunch of errands then laid outside for a fun hours to soak up some sun. I had such a great tan at the start of summer but it faded (thanks full-time job). I got some decent color today and I plan to lay out more tomorrow. Then I went to my massage appointment. I don't get many massages (too much $$) but when I can I try to treat myself. I only purchase massages on Groupon-type websites so that saves a lot. Anyway, it was so relaxing and much needed! After that I met up with my friend for our mani/pedi date. It was great to catch up and get my nails all clean and did! It's been quite a while since I've gotten my nails done so they need some TLC. After our nails dried E and I went out for drinks. She knew I hadn't eaten dinner yet and it was already dinner time so she talked me into ordering some food. UGH. I couldn't come up with any excuses. I thought about saying I was meeting up with another friend for dinner or that I had to go meet my parents for dinner, but I don't like lying to friends and... in the moment I thought "why can't I just be normal and go out for a bite to eat with my friend??!" So yeah, I caved and ordered some food. I got a salad with coconut shrimp. It seemed like it would do the least damage. Of course, the place we went to doesn't give any cal counts but I was just googling around and it looks like it could have been anywhere from 400-800 cals. So fucking annoying. I didn't finish the whole thing (Thank God) and that was all I had to eat all day besides a can of 100-calorie tuna earlier in the same. I'm just hoping the scale goes down tomorrow because I've been working really hard.

I have an event tomorrow that's going to involve lots of drinking. Tomorrow could be a crazy day because there's so many things I want to do before the even (which is at 6pm): tan, gym, possibly shop for outfit piece(s) for said event, etc.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

ME tuesday

I was down -2.8lbs this morning. Water and glycogen weight loss I'm sure, so now it's prime time for fat burning. I didn't have anything planned for today so I took my time waking up and getting ready. My breakfast has been three cups of strong coffee as of late. After two hours or so I laced up my running shoes and did a quick 1 mile run around my block to get my metabolism going. It feels so nice to start a day knowing that you are absolutely free of work, appointment, and all other type of responsibilities. I swear, if I didn't have to work, I wouldn't. Or maybe just part-time. Anyway, the rest of my day was spent running errands (stocked up on diet coke, tuna, and sugar-free gum), watching movies, going to the library, enjoying the sunshine, and working out (2 hours of cardio at the gym). Intake was under 500 cals for the day. I'm hoping for at least -1lb loss for tomorrow.

Tomorrow I plan to lay out all day and work on my fading tan. I also have a massage appointment booked for the afternoon which I'm really, really looking forward to. It's been forever since I've gotten a massage. Then after that I have a mani/pedi & drinks date with my friend E. I hope she doesn't want to order apps or anything. Sometimes when we go out she wants to order at appetizer and asks me if I want to. I always say no, I'm not hungry, I just ate, etc. But then she ALWAYS says "Well I'm only going to order something if you'll eat some of it, otherwise I won't order anything." And obviously she's hungry and she wants to order something so I feel bad and guilty and always cave in and say OK but then I only eat one or two nacho chips, or fries or whatever it is and just dominate the convo by talking (while she's eating) so she doesn't know that she just ate 95% of the app and I only had 5%... or even 1%. But then of course we end up splitting the bill at the end of it all...gah!

Monday, August 15, 2011

ME monday

My ME week is going well so far. I forgot to mention that I'm off from work this week so that's why I have all of this free time to "pamper" myself. Today I woke up sans alarm, brewed up some coffee, and got ready for the day. It was raining all day but that didn't stop me from making the most of my week off. I went to mall to make some returns and shop, but didn't end up buying anything because the deals weren't all that great. There's a lot of fall clothes out on display which I had mixed feelings about. Part of me isn't ready for summer to end, but the other part is excited to wear boots and scarves again. After shopping I got my eyebrows done and they came out really good! I don't usually go to this location and was surprised to see how much they charged for threading ($15!). I'm sort of cheap, I guess.

After my errands I went home and had some tuna with balsamic vinegar on lettuce leaves (110 cals). It's 7pm and that's all I've eaten so far today. I think I will make some grilled chicken with a side of veggies (~200) and call it a day for eating. Anyway, after my tuna "lunch" I went to the gym and did 30 mins of weights and 60 mins on the elliptical. I did a depletion workout, which is basically just high reps on the weights to deplete your glycogen stores. I read about this workout in a body building mag. Apparently, body builders and fitness competitors do this when they try to "cut" and get ready for a show. You eat lots and lots of protein, little fat, and zero to no carbs. You do a session of heavy, high rep weight lifting when you start out this "diet" and combined this will deplete your glycogen stores so that your body is forced to use stored fat for energy. We will see how it goes...

On another note, I changed my entire gmail account name!! At first I just changed my blogger url name, but that didn't fix the comment spam problem (duh!). So I basically transferred over my entire blog to a new gmail account with a new email address, etc etc. I haven't tried leaving comments yet, but when I do I hope they just publish and not go into spam anymore. Otherwise I don't know what else to do!!

Sunday, August 14, 2011

ME week

Sundays are so relaxing. I didn't get much done today. I watched two movies, cleaned, and then went for a run outside. It's been so nice out lately! I'm going to try and take advantage of this beautiful weather before summer's over and do more running outside.

This week I'm planning to do a ME week. I've already booked a massage for Wednesday afternoon and will get a mani/pedi either Wednesday or Thursday. I'm going to do some shopping tomorrow and lay out and get some sun all week. I also bought some Crest white strips and will be using those. I just want to focus on myself and pampering myself and making myself happy. Because if I'm not happy with myself then how can I expect anyone else to be happy with me?

Diet/exercise wise I'm going to stick to high-protein foods and little carbs/fats. Just for the week to cleanse/detox from the junk I've been eating as of late. I have a big event on Thursday night so I want to look great for that... or as great as I can in the next four days. I'm going to wear a dress that camifloges my tummy/thighs but shows off my chest/arms, which I guess are my better body parts. It would be nice to be bloat free though.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

new blog!

I'm starting fresh with a new blog name because my outgoing comments keep showing up in people's Spam Folder and I have NO IDEA how to fix that. So hopefully this resolves the problem. *fingers crossed*

Today was a good day. Last night I slept 9 1/2 hours so I woke up super rested and ready to take on the day. I made a quick cup of coffee and hit the gym at 9am, which was awesome because it was practically empty. I did 15 mins of HIIT and 40 mins on the elliptical then a 10 min jog home. I felt great. I treated myself to an iced coffee and egg white, spinach, feta wrap (280) at Starbucks. After "brunch" I went shopping and bought new foundation and new running shoes. I walked an extra 20 mins out of the way (extra 40 mins round trip) to the big supermarket and got hummus, feta, and big red grapes that were on sale for $1.99/lb. I thought I was saving but I guess I picked out a large batch because the grapes were $5.60!!! Way too much to be spending on grapes. I contemplated buying one of those ready-made turkey sandwiches but they were like $6 (not worth it!) and I was still pretty full from my Starbucks wrap so I didn't buy it.

I walked all the way home and had some pretzels with hummus then tired out my new running shoes. I ran/walked outside for maybe 45 mins and it was great. The weather was absolutely beautiful today. A perfect summer day. My parents came over around 7pm and we ended up doing pizza for dinner. I ate two slices, meh. I hardly ever eat takeout pizza and I got a lot of exercise in so I'm hoping it balances out. I'm not weighing myself until Monday morning though, just in case.

(photo removed)

Friday, August 12, 2011


This week has been really long. Work has been busy and each day I get home I’m exhausted. I’m so happy it is Friday! I don’t have anything planned for tonight so I’ll probably do some house cleaning (maybe laundry) and watch a good movie or two. I want to get a good night’s rest. Tomorrow I plan to workout in the morning and then go shopping before my parents come to visit. We are going out to dinner but I’m not sure where. I’m not being super restrictive with my eating right now. I’m not tracking every single one of my calories and I have been eating some not so great foods (tortilla chips/salsa, lean cuisine pizza, chocolate, etc), but I’ve been trying to balance it out with working out. I’m still down from Monday’s weigh-in so as long as I don’t go back up to that (or worse: past that weigh) then I’m okay with it. Once Monday hits I’m going back to restricting/strict calorie counting. I have an event on Thursday and I want to look really, really good so I’m using that as Motivation.

Nothing else new is going on in my life. Sometimes I feel like such a boring person. I’m not very social so I only go out with friends 1-2 times per week. Monday through Thursday I basically have the same schedule: wake up à work à gym à shower à dinner à tv/internet à bed. Then I’ll go out with friends on Friday and/or Saturday night. Sometimes during the work week I’ll meet up with friends for happy hour drinks or (rarely) dinner.

My schedule is going to be changing pretty drastically starting next month though. I’m going to graduate school part-time. So two nights per week I’ll be taking 3-hour classes at one of the universities here in the city. It’s going to be quite demanding and time consuming but the pay off will be worth it. The whole program will take me about 3 years to complete (that is, if I take classes in the fall, spring, AND summer). I’m nervous to go back to school but I think it will be a good thing for me to put myself out of my comfort zone. Ha, so much easier said than done though, right?

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

good start & trigger

Down -3lbs from yesterday. Water weight, I’m sure, but it’s still really motivating to see the scale go down! I stuck to my plan yesterday and I plan to do the same today. I ate my breakfast this morning and have planned out my meals for the rest of the day. All in all, I should be at 900 cals by the end of the day. My workout was great yesterday. I did: arms/chest/back/shoulders, 10mins of sprints/jogging, and 40mins of elliptical. Today I’m going back to the gym and doing 20-30mins of sprints/jogging and 30-40mins of elliptical. I’m going to try to get 8 hours of sleep tonight too. My body is really tired today and I’m not sure if it is because of the lack of food or lack of sleep or both. Either way, I’m going to do my best to hit the sack early tonight and pay very close attention to my body. I don’t want to continue that cycle of restrict/overeat. I have a dinner date tomorrow night so that will break up my restrictive eating plan. I’m not going to overeat or anything (I plan to order a salad or fish/veggies), but I think it will give me a good (plan and mental) break mid-week.

I recently realized that one of my really big triggers is my friend M. She gets involved with really questionably guys and stays in relationships with them even though she would rather not be with them. In other words, she can’t be alone. I, on the other hand, have always been alone. Since I’ve known her I have never had a serious long-term boyfriend only hookups and on/off guys in my life. I have my own issues (can’t commit, can’t connect, scared of intimacy, etc) that I know I need to work out. But it really bothers me that she hops from guy to guy. She was in a long-term relationship with a guy who was OK but I would never date him. He was arrogant and not that great looking, but he liked her and cared about her. They almost got married even though she wasn’t head over heels for him, but they broke up before that happened. Weeks later she hopped into a “relationship” with another guy. She slept with him within a day or two before even going on a date. (I could never do that!) She liked him a lot and stayed with him for a year even though he was sleeping with other girls. (Once again, I could never be with someone if they were sleeping with other people and I knew about it!). Recently she met another guy through a mutual friend. She told me 2-3 times that she doesn’t know how she feels about him… that he isn’t really her type... and that he says questionable things etc. She asked me what she should do and I said just have fun with it and go out! So she did…she’s gone on 3 dates with him in the past 5 days. I don’t know why this bothers me. I guess maybe I’m just really upset that she can just dive into these relationships yet I can’t. I’ve had guys peruse me but I haven’t been interested in them so I don’t let it go anywhere. I want to be loved though. I want someone to love me, to care about me, to think about me when we’re apart. I’m always alone. I wake up alone, commute to work alone, workout alone, cook dinner alone, go to bed alone. Wow, I sound pathetic. Anyway, my friend M is weird about details because she nonchalantly mentions going on these dates a day or two after they happen and doesn’t go into details. Whereas when I meet or go out with a guy (or crush on H) I give her so many details and play-by-plays.

Monday, August 8, 2011


I woke up this morning still full from yesterday so I skipped my planned breakfast (200 cals). I overindulged yesterday/this weekend knowing that I would be putting myself on a restrictive eating plan for the next couple of weeks. I’m not going to let it get my down. I’m focusing on the day ahead. So here’s the eating plan: breakfast: none, lunch: chopped veggie salad with feta and balsamic vinegar (180), snack: carrots with hummus (135), protein shake (120), dinner: grilled chicken with steamed broccoli and corn (190), snack: wasa crackers with laughing cow cheese (125), sf fudgesicle (40). After work I’m going to hit the gym HARD and do 20 mins of arms/chest/back, 20 mins of sprinting/jogging, and 40 mins of elliptical. I’m excited to get back on track.

I forgot to mention yesterday that when I went out Saturday night I wore skinny jeans, a white tank and wedges and my friend kept saying how “tiny” and “small” I looked in my jeans. This is the second time in two weeks someone has complimented me in my jeans and both times I just kind of shrugged it off and played it down saying “oh no no, I always wear these…” I’m at a pretty high weight right now so I’m not sure how I can look small and tiny. Plus, I don’t want to hear those kinds of things right now because I don’t want to starting thinking that I’m actually tiny and small because then I will most likely let up on my plan.

I’m at work right now and my co-worker is eating a bagel with (probably full fat) cream cheese. I don’t know why but I get really annoyed when he eats stuff like this. He often talks about losing weight and dieting but then he goes out and gets bagels and big sandwiches and burritos, etc. It makes me so mad even though it doesn’t directly affect me. Ugh, I don’t know why that is. 

Sunday, August 7, 2011

plan details

I've been having a really lazy (rainy) Sunday. I spent all day watching movies, napping, and mapping out my plan for the next two weeks. I'm going go do 900-1000 calories of healthy foods like ff yogurt, salad, lean chicken, veggies, hummus, and protein shakes, etc. I bought groceries over the weekend and just finished chopping up my veggies (peppers, carrots, red onion, tomatoes, etc) for my lunch salads for work. I know I originally said I was going to do 1000-1200 cals per day, but that just seems way too high when I write out different food and meal combinations. So, yeah, I'm going to do 900-1000 and maybe give myself more leeway over the weekends. BUT I need to be really, really disciplined and careful over the weekends because that's when I slip up.

Workout-wise I'm going to hit the gym hard. My goal is to get in there 6 days per week and do at least 40-60 mins of cardio and then alternate days with arms/chest/back and then abs. So that's the plan!

I went out last night with one of my best friends and her boyfriend and I had a ton of fun despite the fact that I felt dirty. I didn't wash my hair because I wasn't planning to go out but she called me and convinced me to come up. Despite having dirty hair and getting dressed/doing makeup in about 20 minutes I surpringly got hit on quite a bit, which felt nice.

I'm ready for the week to begin now and ready to lose, lose, lose.

Saturday, August 6, 2011


I keep losing the same 2-5lbs over and over. You think that I would do something about this by now, but I just don't know how to break the cycle. I restrict and starve for 4 days then I go on a feeding freeny for 2-3 days. I mean, I start each week with a positive mindset and all the good intentions, but by the end of the week and over the weekend I always end up giving in to food and booze. I think I'm 123 right now. I don't even want to weigh myself. UGH.

So where do I go from here?

Well, starting Monday I'm going to try to up both my calories and my workouts to kick start my metabolism. I'll eat around 1000-1200 calories and do lots and lots of cardio. I want to try and put a string of days together maybe 10 or so. I don't want to set myself up for failure but I want to do some sort of mini self challenge. I really think I can do it if I can somehow keep a positive mindset and not get so sad and depressed.

Happy weekend!

Thursday, August 4, 2011


I’ve been noticing a trend. I start out my work week strong and focused but by the end I’m spent. I’m absolutely spent. And I’m sad. I get depressed and extremely fatigued. I lose motivated and I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to restrict, I want to skip my gym workouts, I want to bail on happy hour with my girlfriends, and I just want to go home and curl up in front of the tv with 100-calorie popcorn and diet coke. Today I feel horrible – absolutely horrible. I’m tired even though I slept 8.5 hours last night and I’m depressed. Even last night I was sad and depressed. I can’t focus on anything but the shitty parts of my life. I’m trying to snap myself out of it today all and pump myself up to go running after work. I just really need to readjust this plan because it just isn’t working for me.

I skipped breakfast and lunch on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. My work friend is on vacation this week so it was easy to get away with not eating lunch at the office. I felt good and empowered and energized during those days. I did a double workout on Monday and worked out yesterday as well. I’m down 3lbs since Sunday so that’s good. I’m not sure what’s going to happen tomorrow though because it’s only 1:30pm and I’ve already eaten lunch (200c of salad topped with tuna) and a pack of those stupid snackwell cookies (210c). I’m just feeling so out of it today so I told myself that the sugar will wake me up so I can run later today.

I want a flat, hard stomach more than anything. I used to have great abs back when I was playing sports – effortlessly great abs. But now they are shit. You can’t see them because I have a layer of fat covering them. I guess the good news/glass half full side of it is that I know what to do to get back there. I just need to consistently burn more calories than I eat and do sprint workouts, because that’s what worked really well for me before. Sigh.