Friday, October 26, 2012

skinny comments

It's been a while. I haven't been able to post because I've just been so busy with work and school. I had exams all week, which meant a whole lot of books and studying and very little sleep and social life. Tonight I finally met up with one of my best friends for dinner. I was really anxious about going because I get anxious when I'm not in control of my meals, plus I was trying to lose weight before my Halloween party (tomorrow night). I ended up going over to her house and we ordered in, which actually worked out because I was able to get a salad with grilled chicken. We drank wine, caught up, and had a ton of fun and I was leaving she made one of those uncomfortable "skinny" comments.. you know those comments where someone tells you that you look skinny (her exact words: "you look really skinny!"). I get so uncomfortable because I don't know how to respond. I don't want to tell her "oh good, cause I've been starting myself all week so yeah I'm glad you noticed a difference." Nope, can't say that. So instead I just said "oh, must be the stress!" Ugh. I don't know. I mean it's great to hear those words "you look skinny" but then I think "wait, wtf did I look like before then?" I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

I feel good about my Halloween costume. It's a super cute semi-tight dress and I had to get spanx-like shapewear because you CAN SEE EVERYTHING, which means I can't wear a thong. And no underwear is a no go because I don't want my butt to jiggle around all night. I hope you all are doing well. I noticed that many of you have deleted your blogs :(

Saturday, September 8, 2012

what a difference a week makes

Ugh, where to start. I feel gross. I woke up this morning ate breakfast and was still hungry so I ate a snack, then another, and another. I was mistaking my exhaustion for hunger. Fuck. Instead of eating 100's of calories I should have just gone back to bed. I'm still so tired. I've been tired all day. And have had no motivation to do anything. I haven't even worked out today.

Seriously, what a difference a week makes. Last weekend I was on top of the world. I was doing my juice fast/cleanse, felt great, and had a ton of energy. This weekend all I feel like doing is staying in so I can hid from the world and snack all day. Ugh, I just feel gross and like I'm back at square one. All that hard work I did last weekend seems like it has been cancelled out now. I really should be cleaning my apartment, doing homework for next week, and going out with friends. Instead, I'm sitting on the couch eating stuff I shouldn't be.

I really, really, really want to fast tomorrow and possibly Monday. Monday night I have a 3-hour class after work. I've never fasted on a work+school day so I don't know if I could go that long on nothing but I'll try. Maybe even a fast-5. Either way, the plan is to fast tomorrow. A friend is throwing a big party tomorrow to celebrate the beginning of football season. He's making homemade chili and some other food. I know everyone will just be sitting around watching the game and eating food and drinking beer. I already told him I probably can't make it because I have other plans. I really hate that I've fallen right back to where I started pre-juice cleanse. FML

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

weird day

Today has been a strange day. I don’t really know how to explain it. Maybe I’m tired or maybe it’s the rain, but all I want to do is go home and get under the covers and hid from the world. Instead, I get to go to class tonight. School’s back in session so two nights per week I’ll be going to class after a full day of work. I generally like school and love the people in my classes, but I’m not totally feeling it today. I don’t know. I’m just in a funk. I was getting anxious about all of this and I found myself in front of the vending machine. Of course, there was a person behind me in line so I had to make my choice quickly – 1.5 oz bag of Goldfish. Ugh, the moment it came out I was like “I don’t even want this.” But I ended up eating it because I was so stressed and anxious about having to go to school. I always eat when I’m stressed. So 200 calories later and my mood has gotten worse. Now all I can think about is this unhealthy, carby snack sitting in my stomach and the fact that I won’t be going to the gym today because of school. Ugh.

Also, my weight was up this morning but I knew that was going to happen after my juice cleanse finished. But now I’m nervous that it’s going to be up again tomorrow morning because of these damn Goldfish. Also, we’re going to the bar after class tonight to celebrate “back to school.” Then tomorrow we're getting free pizza for lunch at work (ew, skipping) and then out for drinks after work (not skipping). All I can say is that I see another fast-5/fasting cleanse in my near future. :( I was contemplating doing a fast-5 tomorrow but I don't want to get drunk in front of my boss/co-workers so I better put some food in my stomach.

I did more clothes shopping today (online). You'd think retail therapy would cheer me up, but instead I have buyers remorse because I feel like I've been spending way too much $$$ these days. Ugh, I can't wait until this day is o-v-e-r.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012


Thanks for all the encouraging comments. The 3-day juice cleanse went very well. There were a few instances (especially on day 3) when I wanted to cave in a eat a solid food, but my willpower and self-disciple came out on top and stayed strong all three days. It was so gratifying to prove to myself that I could do something that I put my mind to!

I stepped on the scale this morning and was almost -6 lbs down from pre-juice cleanse! I'm very happy about this and super motivated to keep that scale number going down. However, as I was back to eating food today I realized that I will probably gain some of that back since some of it is water weight :( I MUST remind myself of this when I step on the scale tomorrow morning so that I don't freak out and get discouraged.

Today has been pretty good. I went back to work and that was tough after a long holiday weekend. Eating was good. I've had about 800 cals and I think I'm done for the day. I broke my juice cleanse with a nice juicy apple for breakfast and it was perfect. Veggie salad for lunch and soup for dinner then apple, tuna, and a hard boiled egg for snacks in between. I also hit the gym and did 1 hour of hardcore cardio. I'm hoping to keep this up, although I have post-work events on Wed. and Thus. so I won't be able to hit the gym the next two days. This just means I have to keep my cals in check.

I think I'd really like to do a juice cleanse maybe once every month or two. It feels great, but it's not easy.

Monday, September 3, 2012


Day 3 is almost over. I did end up getting my butt out of the house. I went to the mall and picked up the St. Tropez Tanning Mousse. I can't wait to use it later tonight! I also got a new lip gloss but saved 10% because of the holiday sales. It feels good to indulge in myself every now and then. I don't spend money on nice things like this often so when I do it makes me feel good.

So.. I've been in a strange mood all day today. I woke up feeling very lonely. I could have gone to visit friends or my family, but I didn't want to be tempted by food. Every time I around people they are always eating or want to go out to eat because it's a social thing to do. I couldn't risk it so I decided to not even put myself in that situation. Anyway, early today I found out that a few of my friends went away for the Labor Day weekend without me. I felt extremely left out to say the least. I know that I would have declined the invitation to go anyway because 1) i had a hair appt and 2) I wasn't feeling good about my body/I didn't want to be in a bikini, and 3) I wanted to try out this cleanse. But, still I felt very upset that I was invited by my one girlfriend. The two guys that live there wouldn't have invited any of us girls anyway. But M (whose parents live there) and A (who doesn't have any family there) and I were talking a few weeks (months?) back about how it would be fun to go away for Labor Day weekend. I never heard anything from M and A, but apparently M invited A to go and not me. Granted, A has been to M's before (and is closer to M) but I just felt to out of the loop. Whatever, I'm over it. I'm not going to be mad. Maybe she had family up there and there was only room for one guest. Anyway, I ran into one of the guys as I was coming home from the mall and he was all "hey how was your weekend? yea mine was great!" and I knew he probably spent a good portion of it hanging out with M and A. I didn't say anything about the girls and he didn't either. I just said I had a great weekend, visited my family, etc. Anyway, I'm over it. 

The plan for tonight: nice hot shower, try out my new self-tanning, movie/tv time, bed early, weigh in in the AM (can't wait!).

juice cleanse - day 3

It's about 3pm on day 3 of my 3-day juice cleanse. Today has been the most difficult day so far. I'm just really lazy and I haven't left my apartment all day so all the free time is making me antsy and all the tv watching with food commercials is making me hungry. I'm still going strong though! So far I've had 2.5 bottles of juice. I woke up with a completely flat stomach and over -4 lbs down from before my juice cleanse started. One of the biggest motivators today is tomorrow morning and being able to step on the scale to see how much I've lost on 3 days of juice fasting. Can't wait.

I'm trying to muster up enough energy to get my butt out of here. I want to go buy the St. Tropez Self-tanning Mousse so I can get tanner. I haven't been able to tan much this summer and I'm way to pale for post-Labor Day weekend. This weekend juice cleanse has been awesome but I also need to get my butt back in the gym. I basically took the weekend off to focus on cleansing and making sure my body was working on detoxing itself rather than repairing my muscles, etc. Starting tomorrow it's back to the gym though. I want to kickup my cardio regime and do more running.

I'll update later with how the rest of my juice cleanse goes today.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

juice cleanse - day 2

I'm having another great juice cleanse day. I slept 9 hours, woke up refreshed and lighter, did my hair, had some coffee and juice and then left the house. I spent 5 hours walking around the city (20,000 steps according to fitbit!). I got my nails done and then hit the mall and bought another work skirt, work shirt, and cute weekend tank). Now I need to find some fall cardigans and shoes for fall. I was contemplating buying a gold-rose watch for myself but I think I might put that on hold. I'd rather spend $200 on boots than a watch. I don't know. I don't usually make such large, expensive purchases like $200 watches for myself. It's so much money to spend on one item that I won't even be wearing every day. It's more of a treat than a necessity so that's why I keep putting it off. I think the idea of it is more intriguing than actually owning it. If I can get a really, really good deal then maybe I'll buy one for myself. We'll see...

I found a nice organic market that had a juice bar inside and ordered a carrot, beet, celery, ginger juice. It was delicious! And made for the perfect lunch. Then I walked back across town and went to Whole Foods to get my juices for tomorrow. Here, I decided to splurge a bit and buy the $10 White Cashew detox juice that I mentioned the other day. That's going to be my "dinner" tomorrow night/the last juice I have for my 3-day juice cleanse.

After I got home from Whole Foods I was hungry. I was so tempted to bite into one of the apples I bought (for later this week), but instead I took a nice, long nap. Naps are the best. I always forget how great they make me feel. I was so refreshed and relaxed when I woke up.

Now I'm drinking green tea. I'm going to clean up a bit and then watch a movie and drink "dinner" haha. Then I'll read and hit the sack early again. This is turning out to be a really nice/much needed relaxing weekend

Quick Update

I slept 9 hours last night and feel great. I woke up with a flat stomach (no bloat!!) and almost -3 lbs down from yesterday morning before I started my juice cleanse. 

Yesterday turned out to be a successful day. I had energy to do the things I wanted to do and then I just came home and relaxed. I caught up on some TV, read Fifty Shades of Grey (omfg), then went to bed early. 

Today my plan is to WALK (35-45 minutes) to the mall, do some shopping, get my nails done, then walk to the juice bar (a real juice bar where they juice your order on the spot!), and then come home. Then I'll probably clean, maybe watch movie, and read. Oh, and I'm going to do some pilates today. Did I mention that Miley Cyrus is my new motvation??! Ok I really don't like her all that much, but her bod is killer right now. Apparently, she does loads and loads of pilates these days. I'll leave you with this:

Saturday, September 1, 2012

juice cleanse - day 1

My juice cleanse/detox has been going well so far. So far I've had 32oz of juice today. I got mixed up and thought I was allowed to have 4 servings of juice, but really it's 4 bottles (2 servings/bottle) so I have two more bottles to go! The juices are really yummy and I feel great. Not hungry for food at all.

I realized that I'm going to be a hermit this weekend. I really can't be around people when I'm trying to NOT eat. This is fine, really. I did go visit my parents this afternoon, which was nice. This morning I went to the hair salon and got a haircut then did some shopping afterwards. I got a work skirt, a work shirt, a going out/weekend top, and two pairs of earrings. There are so many Labor Day sales! I think I'm going to get up early and go shopping again tomorrow, get my nails done, and then venture over the the Juice Bar across town.

I really, really want to have some wine this weekend, but I'm pretty sure that's against the whole juice cleanse/detox thing. Grrr.

Friday, August 31, 2012

fast 6:30

Successful fast 5 today! Actually, it ended up being more like a fast 6:30 by the time I got home and ate some food. I felt pretty good all day. Not hungry at all. I guess I was super carb/junk-loaded from last night and that's why I didn't have an appetite. Gross. Work was slow so I did a some more online researching on the juice cleanse today. I found a lot of helpful info but everything looked super expensive (home delivery and at home juicers). I ended up going to Whole Foods to buy store-bought Columbia Gorge pure pressed organic juice (which as on sale - score!). I got: (2) Just Greens, (1) Carrot Beet Celery, and (2) Red Ginger Limeade which should last me at least a day maybe 2. 

 As I was checking out I saw that they also sold bottles of and I really want to get those because that's a true juice cleanse line but they were like $10/each which was over twice as much as the Columbia Gorge juices! IDK I may get one bottle when I go back to restock. The White Cashew Milk looked really good.

After work I hit the gym for a long cardio session on my empty stomach. It felt really good and I had a tone of energy. Then I jogged to Whole Foods, bought a veggie wrap and a yogurt parfait and a zbar, then walked home. Good pre-juice cleanse day. I'll probably just clean, watch a movie, and go to bed early tonight.

fast 5 & juice cleanse

So last night's happy hour was fun but not so great calories wise. I had two "summer" beers and then chips, chocolate, and some other junk. Obviously, alcohol is not conducive to weight loss. Blah. New day so I need to get over it. 

Today my goal is to do a fast 5. I over ate yesterday so I really shouldn't have a problem doing this. I'm going go do coffee, water, and teas throughout the day. Gym after work. And then run go Whole Foods to pick up a HEALTHY dinner and some juice for my weekend cleanse. I did some research and it looks like Columbia Gorge Just Greens juice might be a good substitute to use for my cleanse. I don't have $$$ to do one of those home delivery juice cleanes and I don't own a juicer so I need to be creative here!

I'm thinking this will be my schedule: 

Wake up: hot water with lemon, coffee 
Breakfast: green juice 
Lunch: green juice 
Afternoon: fruit juice 
Dinner: green juice

I've never done a juice cleanse before so I'm not sure how I'll make out. I 
may buy an apple or something for dinner just in case. IDK need to do more research I think. I saw one 3-day cleanse that involved 64oz of juice throughout the day and the a dinner of protein foods. Maybe I'll do that?

Thursday, August 30, 2012

mixed bag

Things have been going pretty well this week. Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I hit the gym hard and did 60 minutes of cardio followed by 40 minutes of pilates. I've been trying to incorporate more HIIT on the treadmill (sprinting/walking). I did this every day a few years ago and got into the best shape of my life. But I also ate really, really clean back then too. Grr, sort of need to work on that. 

Food wise things have been pretty OK. I've been staying around 800-900 calories and have been eating all healthy foods and very little carbs (just veggies and fruit) so far this week. Tonight I won't have time for the gym because I'm meeting a friend for happy hour. This means I'll be drinking 1-2 maybe 3 glasses of wine or beer. I haven't had any booze since Saturday though so I think it's ok. 

The not so great thing this week has been my weight. I weighed in really high on Monday and I thought I would have lost water weight since then but the scale has only dropped -2 lbs. Usually, I can drop 4-5 lbs of weight/water weight after a weekend of eating and drinking. IDK. 

This weekend I think I want to do some sort of cleanse. I was thinking a juice cleanse but I don't have a juicer haha. So then I was thinking I would just buy fresh juices from Whole Foods and have a couple of those + coffee. Has anyone done a juice cleanse before?

Wednesday, August 29, 2012


I'm thinking of coming back to blogger land and posting in here again. I took a break and tried to get my life in order and focus on other things besides weight/calories/my body/etc. That worked for a while, but then I undid a lot of hard worked and gained. I think I'm up +5 lbs since the beginning of summer, which is actually a lot for my height (5'4"). It's noticeable and it's driving me crazy. 

I want to lose at least 10-12lbs. I've been working out hard this past week (cardio, running, pilates) and trying to eat under 800 calories. I don't know if I should stay at this level, go lower (by incorporating fasts), or go higher (~1000-1200) and go the slow and healthy route. Fuck I don't know. I think I'll just stick with 800 for now. For some reason that number seems to work for me (usually).

Saturday, May 19, 2012

double time

Wow it's been a while since I've updated this. Life has just been so busy. I took two final exams last week and I'm still recovering from that and catching up on laundry, errands, appointments, etc. I wanted to up the ante on my workout regime this past week, but instead I caught up on sleep. I think my body (and mind) really needed that time to unwind and relax after an intense semester. Summer is right around the corner so I really want to kick things into high gear. I've been having a rather fat and lazy day all day today. I got my period this morning so I feel bloated and crampy and tired. Basically, all around gross and disgusted. I've hardly left the house despite it being so nice out. Oh well, sometimes you just need these days. Tomorrow I will get back on track. I'm going to be super strict this week. Memorial Day weekend is next weekend and that's basically the unofficial start of summer. So, yeah, I need to get my shit ttogether. I refuse to be fat for summer. I want to be thin, taunt, and toned in my bikini. This means I need to do lots and lots of cardio + resistance training + abs + low calories. I'm going go take it day by day, week by week.

Friday, April 27, 2012

thank you

You girls are so sweet. Thank you for the really kind and supportive comments. I was nervous to post photos because I know I'm not the tinniest girl or the thinnest girl, but you girls made me feel better about it all. I'm still working hard and I'm motivated to reach my goals. I want to get smaller, thinner, and more toned by Memorial Day weekend. That's a month away! If I work hard, get my workouts in, and eat right I think I can get there. I just need to keep my eye on the prize and bust my butt these next few weeks. I'm mentally in the right place so I really do feel like I can reach my goals. I don't DESPISE my body, but I know what I want and I know I can there if I work hard enough. I need to lose the excess fat that's covering my body, particularly my abs, legs, arms.. actually everywhere. I'm also a bit self-conscious about my muscle mass, sometimes I think I'm too muscular (arms, legs) but maybe If I get rid of the layers of fat covering it I may see something different. Today is Friday. I'm determined to stay on track this weekend.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

(photo removed)

I still have a ways to go, but I think I'm starting to lean out. I'm in the middle of 30 Day Shred. I couldn't do it every single day due to school (full time job + part-time school). Some nights I was able to get it in at 10pm, but other nights it was just too late. I'm still planning to do all 30 days, but it's just going to be over a longer period of time (maybe 40-45 days or so). Anyway, here is me at Day 20 or so. (I want to get leaner, and smaller, and lighter. I think I can stand to lose 8-10lbs)

Tuesday, April 17, 2012


I haven't updated in a really long time. I know I've been neglecting this blog and I hate that, but between work, school, and other responsibilities, things have just been so, so busy. I'm still working my butt off to get my body ready for summer though. Some days are harder than others. The weekends, in particular, are the worst for me. I think this is known. I overeat and have the mindset that I'll undo the damage come Monday. It sucks because it's turned into a cycle of good week, bad weekend, good week, bad weekend, etc. my weight has been mostly range-bound or just slightly lower.

I'm more than half way through 30 Day Shred and you can definitely see a difference in my appearance. More muscle, less flab! My arms and legs are more toned, which I'm very happy about. Now I just need to get my abs to hop on board.

I have a big party on Saturday night and I plan to work really hard this week so that I can look good in the new dress I bought. Lord knows everyone and their mom will be taking pictures and posting them on facebook, so I MUST look fit (and tan and cute, of course). Clean eating, lots of cardio & 30DS, and a ton of extra sleep should get me ready. I hope all you lovely ladies have been doing well and staying positive and focused on your goals. Let's do this.

Monday, April 2, 2012

time is now

Happy April. New month, fresh start. I'm determined to make this my best month ever. I'm still going strong on the 30 Day Shred and I'm seeing a noticeable difference in not on my body, but also my endurance and stamina. My arms are looking hot too due to all the push-ups and upper body exercises. I'm excited to get in bikini shape for summer. I know it's common sense, but I think I've finally realized that nourishing my body with clean, healthy foods and exercise really DOES lead to good things. My mood is better, my energy is better, my whole attitude and outlook on life is better. I'm tired of starving for perfection. It's been hard to up my calorie intake (right now I'm trying to eat 1200 per day) but it's been paying off big time.

Here are some daily/weekly goals I've made for myself to get the month started:

Daily Goals:
- nourish body with clean, healthy foods (lots of fruit, veggies, lean protein)
- exercise for at least 30 minutes a day, no excuses (right now doing 30DS)
- try to get 7-8 hours of sleep per night
- take vitamins
- drink at least 60 oz of water
- be fully engaged in everything I do

Weekly Goals:
- get heart pumping with at least 4 days of cardio
- limit sugar intake

Saturday, March 31, 2012

30 day shred

My friend lent me Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred and I've been doing it consistently since Sunday. I haven't taken measurements, but my weight is down and I'm looking much leaner (I've been taking progress photos). I've made a personal commitment/personal challenge to stick with the program for all 30 days. It's only 20 minutes each day so I really have NO excuse not to do it every signal day. Even on my work + school days I've been doing it at 10pm after I get home and before I eat/shower/bed. I like the program for the most part. It consists of three circuits of 3 mins of strength training, 2 minutes of cardio, and 1 minute of abs. There's a lot of pushups, dumbbell curls, squats, lunges, chest flies, so I dropped my weight lifting stuff at the gym and I'm just doing cardio, cardio, cardio at the gym.

The program has been a good motivator to help me eat clean and healthy. I don't want to put all that work in only to ruin it with a poor diet of junk food. Yesterday was sort of a cheat day. I had a couple of glasses of wine (it was Friday!) and a few Pop Chips. My calories were still low and the rest of my meals were very healthy.

I'm dying to get my abs back before summer. I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, want a toned and fit and slim and thin bikini body for this summer. Like, REALLY BAD. And I know if I put the hard work in NOW I can achieve it by the time the warm weather gets here. It's just very, very hard. Very hard. But I'm going to take it one day at a time, one month/30 days at a time.

Saturday, March 24, 2012


Up early on a Saturday morning to get my gym workout in. I'm doing chest, back, abs and lots of hard cardio so I can burn the layer of fat that's covering my muscles. I made a killer playlist to keep me motivated throughout the gym session. I want this more than anything and I know I can get there if I just my eye on the prize. This past week the weather was gorgeous and very summer-like, which has given me that little extra push to do what I need to do to get ready for summer.

The workout part is easy. The eating is where I struggle. Sometimes after a stressful week from work all I want to do is sit on the couch and veg out with some wine and snacks. Yummy, high calorie, empty calorie snacks. I need to break that habit big time because eating those kinds of foods undoes all that hard work I put in the gym. Ugh. I just don't know how. It's easy to talk myself into eating something my saying that "I'll just do some extra cardio tomorrow." I need to work on that...

I hope all you girls are doing well. I plan to catch up on everyone's blogs this afternoon.

EDIT: I just got back from the gym and had an intense workout. I'm still far from my goal, but each gym session brings me one step closer. I've decided that I want to try my best to keep myself positive. I believe that positive thoughts translates into positive actions. I'm sick and tired of thinking negatively about myself and bringing myself down day after day. This is a new year for me and I plan to build myself back up.. because no one else is going to do that for me.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

new plan

This past week has been very busy with work, school, celebrating my birthday, and then getting sick afterwards. You know you're getting old when you immediately get sick after partying for 3 days in a row. Gah! I came down with a fever, body aches, chills, etc. I spent Monday and Tuesday in bed and finally went back to work today. I also went to the gym today for the first day in almost a week. I'm feeling good and motivated and have come up with a new plan to get ready for summer. I want to be fit and toned and comfortable in my own skin so I've come up with a weight training and cardio plan.

Monday and Tuesday I have class, which means no time for the gym. So Tuesday and Saturday I'm going to do chest, back, abs, cardio and Wednesday and Sunday I'm going to do shoulders, biceps, triceps, cardio. Friday will be my wild card day. If I'm in the mood then I'll do cardio, but if I have other plans or I'm not in the mood then I'll use it as a rest day or maybe do some other form of "fun" cardio.

Diet wise I'd like to focus on a weekly deficit so that I can roll over unused calories to the weekend, which is when I usually go out and eat and drink booze. I'd like to try and eat 3,500 calories below my BMR on the weekly basis, which equals one pound of fat loss per week. As for specific foods, I want to nourish my body with clean, healthy foods like lean protein, veggies, fruits, and low-fat dairy. I will try very, very hard to limit empty calorie foods to only once a week on the weekends. If I take this all day by day I KNOW I can make a habit to the point where I won't even have to think about it and it will just become second nature. I KNOW I can do this because I've done it before. It feels great. I just need to keep reminding myself.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

on track

I've been having a good week. I've realized that if I just focus on one day at a time and one step at a time then I can handle it all. Otherwise, I just get too overwhelmed. I saw this quote in a weight loss article the other day and it really struck a chord with me: "Forget about yesterday. Don't worry about tomorrow. Just focus on what you need to do today." It's so simplified, but it's so true. The little things will add up and if I just stay consistent and on track, I will eventually reach my goal.

My eating has been so clean this week and the biggest reason why is because my cabinets are bare to the bone. I typically like to buy 2-weeks worth of groceries every other weekend so that I save time and money. That first week I end up eating more than I should due to the amount and array of food in my apartment. But by the second week only the essentials are left (salads, fruits, chicken, tea) so I'm left with nothing to tempt me. What I REALLY should do is just buy the basics once a week. But I've tried doing that in the past and it's way more expensive for me.

Workouts have been good. Both Monday and Tuesday I had hard cardio sessions plus weights on Monday. I'm going to do weights again today with a quick, intense cardio session. Then more cardio on Thursday and Friday before this weekend. I'm celebrating my birthday this weekend and I'm actually really excited because so many people said they want to come out to party with me. I have a huge fear of rejection and often don't feel like I have many friends, so it's been really nice to hear that people want to celebrate with me that night.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

back at it

I'm back on the saddle and I'm ready to get going again. I took my last midterm last night, which means I can relax and de-stress for a bit. I really appreciate all the comments you girls have been leaving me. I really do. It's comforting to know that I'm not alone in all of this, and that at times we go through periods where we're not 100% perfect but that doesn't manes it's the end of the world.

Yesterday was a very good day. I had work and school so I didn't work out, but I also had zero appetite so I barely ate. The scale was kind to me this morning and went back down. Today my plan is to go running and do some body weight/ab workouts after work, and then run errands and clean my apartment. I also want to go bed early tonight because I feel like I'm running on empty right now.

Spring is in the air and it's motivating me to get serious. I want to tone up and get thin. No. I NEED to tone up and get thin. Otherwise, I'll have a miserable spring and summer and will barely go out. (That's happened before). I'm wearing a very fitted dress today. The last time I wore this my stomach was as flat as a board. Today I'm bloated. I wonder if people notice. I'm so self-consumed with my own body that I hardly notice the changes in other people's bodies. But I wonder if they notice the changes in mine? I wonder what I look like in the eyes of others. I don't know.

Monday, March 5, 2012

the struggle never ends

Just when you think everything is going well, you hit a wall. I didn't have the best weekend. It was filled with stress and school work, little sleep and bad eating. I woke up this morning feeling discouraged as I looked in the mirror and studied by body. I've lost muscle tone and I've gained flab. I can see it. There's no more denying it. I haven't been working hard enough to reach my goals and it shows. I've been having a pity party all morning, but the truth is I just need to get my shit together. If I want a thin and toned body I need to Work For It. It's not going to be handed to me, and I just can't allow myself to take shortcuts because then I'll never reach my goal.

I think once this week is over and midterms are over I'll be able to think more clearly about what I need to do to get there. I really think I need to start running more regularly. I'll go to the gym and do the elliptical or 10-15 mins of sprinting/walking on the treadmill but I don't think that cuts it. Or maybe it's the weekend overeating that's really holding me back. I told myself I was going to keep things rolling since I was doing so well last week, but with stress + school + work I just couldn't handle it all and found myself eating my feelings this weekend. I didn't go super overboard, but I did sneak in pretzels, Easter candy (why is that even out right now?!), and a cookie or two. I feel ashamed and upset because I feel like I'm letting you (and myself) down.

I think I really need to just take a deep breath, relax, and keep on trucking along.

Friday, March 2, 2012

great week

This is one of the best weeks I've had in a long time. I've been able to stay on track with absolutely ZERO slip ups. The scale showed a -5 lb loss for the week (hi, water weight) which is great but I'm feeling and looking a lot more leaner and lighter, which is even more motivating. I've changed up my gym workout to focus on bodyweight exercises like jumping jacks, lunges, planks, etc. and high intensity interval training cardio. I've feeling way more energized. Food wise, I've been keeping things simple and basically eating the same five foods every day. I'm in the middle of school midterms (which has been a big help in keeping me busy) so I haven't had time to food shop. I prefer to have fewer food options in my kitchen. Food makes me nervous and going grocery shopping creates anxiety for me because I don't trust myself. Sometimes I *think* I can buy a bag of pistachios like a normal person but then I end up binging and eating the whole thing within a day or two. These binge eating tendencies scare me. I've recently developed them and I'm not sure how. And I'm not sure how to stop it. So instead, I'm just going to stick with my safe foods until I can overcome that problem.

The weekend is finally here but I have a million and one things to do for school so I won't have much time for anything else. I've already planned out my gym times though. Making time to work out while I'm in study mode is very helpful in relieving stress.

I'm sorry I haven't been commenting much lately. I hope you girls are all doing well. Thanks so much for encouraging me to stay on track when I was having a difficult time.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

feeling good

Things are going really well. Granted, it's only been a couple of days that I've been able to get back on track BUT I'm feeling good about myself and my progress thus far. Eating Right and Working Out and seeing the Scale Go Down has been a huge motivator for me to keep going and not slip up. It's hard work (as you know!) and reminding myself that it's hard helps me avoid situations and actions that will reverse my progress.

Yesterday was particularly good. I was off from work and ended up fasting until 4pm then I just kept my calories clean and low for the rest of the day. I was so productive during the morning - gym, homework, cleaning. It just felt really good. Today I packed a small salad for lunch. It's going to be a busy day with work and school so I won't be able to hit the gym, but I'm OK with that since I got a good workout in yesterday and will be able to go Wed-Sun.

Friday, February 24, 2012

positive step foward

I'm feeling good. I want to record this so I don't forget how good it feels to eat healthy foods and exercise. I've been sticking to salads, fruits, fish, grilled chicken, and yogurt for the most part. I did have 6 saltines with peanut butter yesterday. Still, the scale was down this morning and I was happy about that. Today I've been really good, ignoring my cravings and sticking to my plan. I was craving candbury eggs earlier today. A week ago I would probably have caved in and gone to the store after work and to buy one too many. But, I told myself this would be a perfect opportunity to help build up my willpower and self-discipline and that I DON'T want to eat those and that they won't even taste as good as imagine. And it worked! Instead, after work I went straight to the gym and banged out 45 minutes of hardcore cardio and 15 minutes of body weights.

I want to thank you girls for your comments. They encouraging and really, really appreciated. Thank you for helping me pick myself back up when the going gets tough :)

Wednesday, February 22, 2012


What is wrong with me?! I've never been like this before. I'm out of control, in the relative sense. I lack complete control over my eating habits. I know I've said this before, but I used to be SO, SO, SO disciplined with my eating. Food turned me off and I would only eat super clean, super healthy foods with minimal carbs and minimal fats. I didn't eat much in front of others and having people around really helped to keep my eating in check for that reason. I'm just starting to understand this in retrospect. The past few days have been mixed. I start out really good but then I just get so hungry and can't stop snacking after dinner. Also, the scale hasn't done much this week which is what's REALLY bothering me. I hate that thing and the power it has over me. I NEED to weigh myself every morning and if I see a number I'm not OK with, it ruins my day.

I need to get my shit together because I feel fat and sad about this. I've had several false starts since the New Year. I don't know what it's going to take to get me back on track. Granted, I'm still maintaining BUT I'm higher than I was during the Christmas holidays and I know that if I don't do something drastic now then this can really get out of control. Do Not Want.

I don't know what to do anymore. Over the past few weeks I've been stocking my kitchen with very healthy foods like apples, carrots, hummus, but then I "binge" on the hummus and eat the tub without a couple of days. It's horrible. I think I need to keep my fridge and kitchen cabinets bare for now. I'm also going to try to post daily with my calorie intake and workouts, etc. I hate this.

Monday, February 20, 2012

day off

Happy President's Day. I'm off from work today, which is nice. I love these three-day weekends. They give me more time to relax, clean, and run errands, etc. I slept until 10AM this morning and it felt awesome. I barely ever get to sleep in these days. Things have been going A-OK for me. Not wonderfully awesome, but not terribly bad. I've been maintaining but that's all going to change because I've devised my plan to burn fat, get thin, and get fit. I know what it takes to get there and what I need to do to get *my* body there but it all comes down to motivation and self-disciple and willpower for me. I've lost those things these past few months. Self-disciple especially. I used to be so disciplined when it came to things, especially eating/exercising. I have no idea what happened there, but I'm determined to gain that self-disciple back. I've been doing a lot of reading on it and, like any muscle, you can strengthen and build your self-disciple if you just work at it. So that's what I'll be doing.

I'm going to go back to restricting. I'll use supplements and tea and gum to suppress my appetite. THIS works for me, but I just need to back sure I stay on track and don't mess up. Otherwise, it's all downhill if I do. Workout wise I want to incorporate more body-weight circuits and running. I was in the best shape of my life when I worked out 5-6 (sometimes 7) days per week doing resistance training and HIIT/running on the treadmill. So I'm going to do that. My birthday is in about a month. I have a very specific goal in mind and if I meet that goal I plan to buy myself the new iphone. I really wanted to go on a vacation, but no one is free the days I would be able to get away. So iphone it is.

I hope all you lovely ladies are doing well. It sounds like most of you are.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012


I haven't updated in a while. Things have been fairly inconsistent for me as of late. One day I'm hardcore restricting and exercising and the next I'm raiding my local grocery store for snacks and candy. I'm trapped in a horrible cycle and I've been too ashamed to write about it. I heavily restrict for a period of time and reach a weight that gives me a sense of entitlement to eat "normally" or cheat. And so I do. I sit at home alone and secretly eat a whole bag of chex mix (~500 calories) or something of that nature. It isn't horribly bad, but it's way more calories than I need to be consuming. And it's complete junk that I don't need to be ingesting.

I don't know what to do at times. I swear, I used to have so much willpower. When all the eyes are on me or when I'm in the spotlight or under surveillance that I can adhere like no other. But the minute I'm left to my own devices and I'm on my own, I "binge". I don't think I've ever eaten more than 3,000 calories in one day, but I've eaten more than 1,000 in one sitting. It's sickening to think about.

I just want to be skinny. And thin. And fit. I want the confidence that comes along with a low bf%, a low weight. I want that feeling of slight superiority. Of feeling like I'm worth something. Of feeling like I have something to bring to the table. I want that feeling back. That feeling of control. That feeling of empowerment.

By the way, I am drunk. I've been replacing food calories with alcohol calories.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012


I haven't updated in a while. Life has been really busy and, to be honest, I haven't been doing that great on the eating/exercise front. I don't know what has happened to my willpower but it has all but vanished. I had planned to spend my January school break working out and eating right so I could return to school thin and toned. Usually deadlines motivate me, but not this time. It backfired in a big way. When I realized I wasn't making the kind of progress I had hoped for I gave up. I think it all started around New Years Eve and since then things just haven't been that great.

But today is a new month, new beginning. I need to get my butt in gear. I feel bloated and flabby and I hate it. I'm going back to the basics and will keep my eating plan simple for the next two weeks: lots of protein, veggies, and water. I also need to workout with weights and run my butt off. I know I can do it if I just take it one step at a time and one day at a time. I tend to get very impatient and want to lose like 1 lb/day but that's not realistic. So I just need to get my head around that. This is more of a mind thing than anything else for me. If I stick my mind to it, it's easy. But often times my head plays tricks on me and I end of self-sabotaging myself.

I hope you all are doing well. I left for a while but now I'm back so I'm excited to catch up on everyone's blogs.

Friday, January 20, 2012


TGIF! I couldn't be happier about the weekend being here. Monday was a holiday so I only worked four days this week, but it felt like the longest week ever. Even though I was able to get 8+ hours of sleep on Wednesday and Thursday I'm still feeling very tired. I don't know what it is. The weather? The cold? The lack of food (and energy)? It's all of the above, I'm sure.

This week was good for the most part. I had two back to back days of hardcore restricting and hardcore gym sessions, which I felt really good about. Yesterday was tough. I was tired all day at work but managed to talk myself into going to the gym afterwards. That's usually the hardest part for me - just getting to the gym. But yesterday was different. Once I got there I could barely do anything. My body was just drained. I did the "easy elliptical" but could only last 30 minutes. It was bad. So I did some weights for arms/chest/back/shoulders. All in all it was about a 45-minute gym day, which isn't too bad. When I got home I was absolutely starving. I stuck to my low cal dinner and snacks but then ended up eating an additional low-cal boca burger and some almonds because my body was just so freaking hungry and tired. As expected, the scale was up this morning but only by 0.4lbs so I'm not stressing. Also, when I got home from work I stepped on the scale again and it was down again so I felt better about that.

This weekend I WILL stick to my plan. If I can do that then I'll be good to go from here forward. The weekends are the hardest for me as I've said many, many times before so I'm going to test myself this weekend. And I'm very competitive so I'm hoping for the best. My plan is to feed my body with only healthy (but yummy!) foods like yogurt, mixed salad, fruit, hummus, etc. I may increase my intake to 1200 for my sanity. Although, healthy foods are usually super low in calories so we'll see if I do that. We're getting snow this weekend but I can walk to the gym so that shouldn't be an issue.

I've been really, really, really, bloated lately. My lower abdominal area feels and looks like it's always sticking out. I have no idea what causes this. I did a google search and it looks like it could be anything from a food allergy causing it to just really poor posture over the years. Before I started working in 2007 I didn't have this problem. But before 2007 I always didn't have problems with food and body image so who even knows...

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

so tired

I need, need, need to get in bed by 10pm. I'm exhausted. It's only 9am. And it's only Wednesday! I didn't get much sleep this weekend and, even though I had planned to, I didn't I catch up on it earlier in the week either. Yesterday I had way too much caffeine in my system and was tossing around for 2 hours or so before I finally fell asleep. So my goal is to get in bed by 10pm tonight, no later!

I want to thank you for the lovely comments. I'm feeling a bit better today, but yesterday I was still down. I have bouts of depression or maybe seasonal depression. Some days I'm just so out of it and all I want to do is hide away, be alone, and eat my feelings. But I was extremely aware of how I was feeling yesterday and I made the extra effort to try and improve my mood. Soo what did I do? Restricted hardcore and went to the gym for almost 2 hours, of course. I felt good afterwards and even better when I stepped on the scale this morning. I know a lower weight and fitter body will make me feel better so I really need to just focus on that goal. I feel like a broken record though. I make all these goals work hard for a week or so but I'm not consistent so I don't make significant progress. I don't know what to do to change this. I think I may seriously need to increase my cal intake and no be so hardcore about restricting because obviously that doesn't work for me and I end up overeating on the weekends.

My new goal is to eat whole foods only. NO JUNK food. If I don't buy it, I can't eat it. So no buying junk food whatsoever. This includes snackwells cookies, individual size lean cuisine pizzas, popchips, etc. I may even nix the diet coke. Yes, the diet coke! I didn't have any yesterday (because I ran out) and I have to admit it wasn't that bad just drinking water. So, I think I will limit the diet soda as well and stick to water, tea, and coffee only. If I focus on clean, healthy foods and increase my intake I think I'd be better off than restricting then binging on junk. I mean, it even sounds better just writing it out. Relying on willpower no longer works for me. So i'm going to give this plan a go. I'm curious...

How many calories do you eat a day?

Sunday, January 15, 2012


Thing haven't been that good lately. I've been really struggling this weekend. My weight hasn't fluctuated (which is good), but my mood has. A lot. One moment I'm up and the next I'm down. It's been bad. I've been obsessively reading old journals as well as other peoples' blogs and I've become really overwhelmed. I just feel stuck. I really, really, really, really want to be skinny and I want it NOW. I worked really hard this past week but don't have much to show for it. I know that I can't expect to lose 5lbs or 10lbs or whatever overnight, but it's hard to stay motivated when I'm not making any progress.

My intentions are good. I have the right mindset and my goals are all laid out. I eat right and workout hard, but when I don't see any progress I feel defeated and start to eat things that I shouldn't be eating liiiiike lean cuisine pizza or pretzel m&m's or bbq popchips. These aren't horrible foods, but they aren't the clean and healthy foods that I want to be eating right now. Why can't I control myself? Where has all my disciple gone? My willpower? Ugh, it's just so disheartening. I keep going in circles. I don't think this is the right plan for me. Restricting Monday-Thursday and then going off plan Friday-Sunday has been getting me nowhere. Granted, it's only been about a week since I've starting this. But, I've done this numerous times before and I'm still at the same weight that I was a year ago. I just want to be skinny. I want to have the body I had when I was 17. Is that so bad? I walked into Forever 21 yesterday and saw girls 5-10 years younger than me and I was so envious of their thin thighs and arms.

I don't know what my plan will be from here on out. I just don't know..

Thursday, January 12, 2012

only thursday

Gah this week has been long! I haven't had a full work week in several weeks and I keep thinking that today is Friday. Only one more day until the long three-day weekend. I am getting a bit nervous about the weekend because weekends are when I tend to lose focus and veer off track. I eat and drink too much and workout too little. My workdays provide structure that allows me to build a routine that revolves around work, gym, healthy dinners, sleep. Free time to do whatever I want on the weekends is oh so lovely, but also very dangerous. I've already been invited to a few football-watching parties, which I am nervous about because those usually equal booze, snacks, and comfort foods. Today I'm going to confirm all my plans, schedule out my workouts, and plan out as many meals as I can. Must Stay Focused. Must Stay Strong.

I'm down about 2lbs since Saturday! Things have been going really well on the workout front. I've gone to the gym every day this week except for Tuesday because I after-work plans with a friend. I've been focusing on cardio, sprinting my little heart out on the treadmill and then doing an hour or so on one of the various elliptical type machines. I forgot how HUNGRY and TIRED these workouts make me!! After the gym yesterday I felt like I could eat a house! I was so, so, so hungry. I cooked a healthy stir-fry with chicken and tons and tons of broccoli, peppers, and onions but minutes later I was starving again. It was horrible. I snacked on string cheese and low-cal popcorn, which I'm not too happy about. I thought I would gain when I weighed myself this morning but, lo and behold, the scale dipped lower. I know it's the HIIT. Those workouts are ridiculous at burning fat and revving up your metabolism not only during the workout but also for hours and hours afterwards. It's no excuse to pig out though because then that just defeats the purpose. I was so tired last night and couldn't keep my eyes open past 10pm, which meant I was able to get in 8 hours of sleep! It felt awesome and I think I may try to make that a routine. At least for now while I'm still on break because I know I won't be sleeping much once classes start up again.

It sounds like most of you ladies are doing well and sticking to your New Years resolutions! I'm constantly inspired and motivated by you all.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

patience is a virtue

So far, things have been going really well. I've been able to devote my full attention to my goal now that the holidays over and my night classes are still on break. I went to the gym again after work yesterday and sprinted my butt off. Sometimes I get self conscious when I go hard on the treadmill, but yesterday I really didn't care. I just kept reminding myself that this is what I did 4 years ago and it WORKED so i'm going to do it again. After about 20 minutes I switched to the a hybrid elliptical trainer. It's like a stair climber and elliptical combined into one so it's much more difficult than a regular elliptical. I only managed to do 45 minutes and my legs were absolute jello by the end. It was a good gym day to say the least.

Food wise was fine. I stuck to my low-cal, healthy, clean foods. No sugar, no junk, no white foods (breads, rice, cereal, etc). Mostly high-protein, low-fat, low-carb things. I forgot how much my appetite increases when I push myself with the exercise. After dinner I was still really hungry so I ate a string cheese, 4 cherry tomatoes, and a few slices of celery with some hot tea. It did the trick and I was able to stay under 1000 calories.

I have to remember that patience is a virtue. I have a tendency to become very impatient when it comes to this, wanting instant results and instant gratification. And when I don't get that I sometimes get upset and depressed and what to give in, but I Can't and I Won't. One day at a time, one pound at a time.The scale is slowly going down so I just need to celebrate the small wins and focus on my goal. Today I'm going out with a friend after work. I was contemplating going to the gym before I meet her but then I wouldn't have time to shower and get ready and I don't want to do out with sweaty, dirty hair (ugh, girl problems). So I'm going to go home, clean, and do some abs and possible push-ups - things that won't get me too sweaty. I hope.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

just do it

Today was a really good day. I'm completley in the zone and I'm using every day as an opportunity to get closer to my goal. I want to do this and I will do this. Eating clean and healthy foods makes me feel so much more better and energized. I'm done with the junk food and the unhealhty restaurant meals.

I spent most of the morning window shopping and making returns. I got up early, took a shower, put on a cute outfit and was on my way. Shopping is so theraupetic somtimes. Just walking around the store, picking out new clothes, and trying them on. I don't know why but I like the feeling I get from this activity. It's calming, especially early in the morning when no one is around. I walked around the city for about three and half hours. Then I came home, had a small snack, and hit the gym. I bought new socks, sports bras, and running pants/leggings the other day, which has been an awesome motivator to hit the gym. I kicked my butt while I was there and did: 20 minutes sprinting/jogging, 60 minutes elliptical, and 10 minutes abs. I felt awesome afterwards and was on a compltele post-workout high. Then I came home, cleaned, and made dinner.

I've been trying to eat healthy and clean foods only. For breakfast I made scrambed egg whites with low fat cheese, tomatoes, bell peppers, and green scallions with two links of turkey sausage. I didn't eat lunch because I was out and about shopping but for my mid afternoon snack I ate two swiss cheasse/turkey roll-ups with mustard. Then dinner was grilled chicken, steamed brocolli, and garbanzo beans. So far, so good! I'll probably have some raw almonds between now and bed. I'm trying to keep my calories around 900-1000 for now since I plan to do lots of cardio. This is what worked for me before so I'm hoping it will work for me again!

Friday, January 6, 2012

my goal

I've set a personal challenge for myself: to get my 2008 body back. This was when I was in the best shape of my life. I had a tight, toned, and firm body that I fueled with only healthy and clean foods. I didn't focus on counting calories (obsessively, anyway) and was more concerned with what kind of foods I was putting into my mouth. I was also running like a mad woman, doing lots of cardio on the treadmill and some on the elliptical and bike. I was motivated, driven, and committed to achieving and maintaining a certain look. I had abs of steel. My goal is to get those back.

I will take it one day at a time, one pound at a time. But my main focus will be on the mirror and not on the scale. Actually, it will be on pictures because I don't even trust the mirror. I will take progress pictures every few days so I can easily compare and track my progress. This is what I did 4 years ago and it worked wonders. I may or may not share my pictures on here. I'm very self conscious and the pictures are really just for myself to track my progress. I will, however, report my progress in here.

For now I'm going to focus on the next 14 days. I'm going eliminate all junk food with empty calories and high caloric fatty foods from my diet. I'm going to increase my water intake and limit my diet soda consumption. I'm going to eat a balance of protein, veggies, and healthy fats. I'm going to focus on cardio at the gym. At least five days a week but six will be better, especially since I'm still on break from classes.

I'm going to do this. The only thing that can stop me is myself, and I refuse to let that happen.

(I'm not the biggest AS fan, but this is pretty inspiring! I particularly like #3 & #5!)

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

my story, sort of

I'm a late bloomer. A late bloomer when it comes to everything, including this. I was first aware of my body and my weight and my need to get smaller after I graduated from college. Before that, competitive sports kept me busy and in tip top shape. After the 2+ hour practices 5-6 days/week and 60 minute games 1-2 days/week ended and I began my first ever office job I became obsessed with my body and my weight. I had a fear that my muscle would turn into fat as I sat on my butt in front of a computer and behind the wheel of my car all day long. I was living with my parents to save money and the lack of control over my time and my meals and my overall life intensified my personal obsession with my body. All day I researched diets and nutrition and weight loss methods. My days revolved around working, going to to the gym, eating dinner, taking a shower, going to bed. I was isolated living in the suburbs with my parents.

I didn't own a scale when I started this all but within a matter of months I became leaner than I have ever been. I ate low-carb for the first time and dropped weight without even trying. At the gym, I focused on cardio including a treadmill workout I read in a magazine called High Intensity Interval Training where I would sprint for 30-40 seconds then jog for 45-60 seconds and repeat until I couldn't do it any longer. I was already in good shape but I kept getting smaller and leaner (I was definitely burning fat along with muscle at this point) and people would make comments/compliment me but I felt so uncomfortable about it. I didn't want to attract attention and I didn't want people to notice for some reason. I became scared to eat. I would shun chips, chocolates, snacks, breads, rice for fear of gaining back any of the weight I lost. It was hard work and often times I felt lonely and sad, but seeing my body get smaller and smaller kept me going. I would sit in my room alone at night and take pictures of my body and save them in a folder on my laptop so I could compare one week to the next.

That all started about four years ago. Tonight I found that lost folder of pictures and I want NOTHING MORE than to get back to that. I feel old and worn out now. Fat and flabby. I want to get back to toned and fit and small and strong and motivated. I want to be able to resist carbs and treats without a problem. I want that willpower. That motivation. That drive. I want to get back there so bad. That is my New Year's resolution. I know what worked to get there. I have the blueprint. Now I just need the willpower and the motivation.


I’ve been trying to find my footing since January 1st but I can’t seem to get myself organized. The weather has turned mild to frigid overnight and I just feel frozen in place. I should be checking things off on my to-do list and making long overdue plans with friends, but I just can’t seem to get myself moving. I feel like I need a break from Christmas break. I’m tired and feel like I might be getting sick. I wish I could just stay home, curl up on, and veg out.

My NYE weekend was OK. I had a lot of expectations and I don’t think they were met. I wanted to look hot in a cute little dress and dance up a storm with some boys, which didn’t really happen. I ended up buying a whole new outfit for the night because I felt way to fat to wear the one I had planned to (even despite dieting hard the whole week before). I was so focused on working out and eating nothing the few weeks before NYE that I’m now just burnt out. I still want to get thin, diet, and hit the gym hard but I can’t muster up the energy just yet. I think I need a few days off to recoup and organize myself. I’ve been researching (read: google-ing) celebrity workout plans. I need to switch it up in the gym. I love Jessica Alba to death and want her body. Even after two kids she still looks awesome. I googled her workout plan and found a ton of info about her trainer and what she does, but for some reason I don’t buy it. The workout is 1 hour long broken up into 10 minute cardio bursts with arms/shoulders/chest/core workouts in between. I feel like she does way more cardio than that. I also googled Tracy Anderson’s method and that looks intriguing but I’m not sure I have the time to do that everyday (it takes about 2 hours or more). I just feel lost. I want to slim down and tighten up. I need to stop using the weight machines and free weights because my arms are getting too big. I think I just need to hit the cardio for a while and maybe do abs and pushups for arms.

What do you girls do for exercise? Whose bodies do you admire?