friday

TGIF! It seems like Fridays are the only days I'm able to post. I sound like a broken record, but life is just SO busy these days that I barely have time to breath. Or get my hair cut, which I really need to do! This week was good for the most part. I seemed to have gotten over my cold and I'm feeling better. The weather is getting colder though and I can feel it in my bones all day. My weight has gone down a bit each day and but I'm still just range-bound. I feel lighter though. I haven't been able to "maintain" like this ever. I don't eat very much and I don't work out very much, which really bothers me but I really just don't have the time with work and class and homework and other commitments. I don't sleep much either, so I can't really wake up early to get a workout in. My days to workout are Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon, Tues. For some reason, working out on a Friday after work is the last thing I want to do after a busy and tiring week of life. I really need to adjust my mindset though, and trick myself into thinking a Friday is actually a Monday.

I decided to share a picture from this week. I bought this dress and you can definitely see my jlo-wannbe booty in it. I seriously wonder how much my butt weighs. And my hair. I really need a haircut.

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still losing

I lost -2lbs this week. Honestly, I'm surprised by that because I haven't had time to be super obsessive about my weight. I don't have time to work out regularly (I only went to the gym on Monday) and I don't have time to plan or even eat my meals. I basically don't have time to even think about losing. But my busy schedule seems to help. From 8am-4pm I eat a homemade salad or soup and saltines Monday-Friday, which are both less than 200 calories. Then on non-school nights I've been doing the usual grilled chicken with veggies and one or two low-cal snacks. On school nights it has been a bit tougher. I usually eat a cereal bar or apple before class, then a luna bar during class, and then have a soup when I get home. I don't obsessively keep track of calories, but apparently it's low enough for me to keep losing.

I was so tired after work yesterday. I only slept 4.5-5 hours the night before AND I've been really sick the past week, so by 2pm I was in complete crash mode. I finished up my work day and went straight to the store to pick up dinner. I decided to get a tomato/mozzarella/basil sub from a little Italian spot. It was big, but I was hungry because I only had a 120 calorie soup all day. So I had that for dinner at 5pm then a couple of snacks and was in bed at 9pm. I woke up -0.6lbs lighter than yesterday, which was a huge surprise because I thought I would have definitely gained from the sub sandwich. I'm not sure what's going on with my body and metabolism but I like how things are working. I'm losing and I'm not killing myself doing it.

Today I plan to WORK OUT, CLEAN my apartment, and do some homework before my family comes into town later this afternoon. I have to take my little cousins out for pizza and a movie. I don't mind because I barely see them. I'm not too thrilled about eating the pizza. I have a cold/flu-like thing so food is just really unappealing to be at times. Meh, we'll see..

so busy

I haven’t updated in a while. Things just have been so busy I barely have time to breath. My life revolves around work, school, friends, school, family, school. This past week was especially busy with exams, papers, group work, and school events. I haven’t been working out or sleeping much, but I also haven’t been eating much so my weight has been more or less stable. I’m also eating less junk food, so that is good. I’m enjoying life for the most part, but I need to get my butt to the gym. I just feel out of shape and pudgy even though my weight hasn’t changed. I’m going after work today and tomorrow and the plan is to do LOTS OF CARDIO.

Halloween is coming up soon. I need to put a custom together. I have no idea what I’m going to dress up as. I also have no idea what I’m going to be doing that weekend. Some friends are planning to visit, which I’m both excited and nervous about. Excited because I haven’t seen them in a while and we always have a great time when we get together, but nervous because life is so busy and hosting guests for a weekend means I won’t be able to do school work. I’ll also be eating more when they visit since that always seems to happen. If I’m dressing up this year though (which I plan to), that means I really need to get my shit together. I have two weeks to get in tip top shape.

There’s no news on the love front. I’m way too busy to be heavily involved with someone. I’m also having way too much fun meeting new people at school and spending time with them. This leaves very little time for love. That guy N from a few posts back turned out to be a dud. We never went out because I heard he just was just looking to get it in, and I wasn’t looking for just a hookup. He was pretty rude and inconsiderate too. I’m still hung up on H even though I only met him once over the summer and we haven’t communicated since August. We’ll still Facebook friends and new photos of him came through my newsfeed yesterday. He is so gorgeous it hurts. His birthday is also coming up this week. I think I’m going to wish him a happy birthday and maybe send him a message to ask how things are going. I’m aware he’s probably not interested in me (since I haven’t heard from him in months), but I like him and I have nothing to lose so whatever.

ready for it

I guess I needed a longer break than I thought I did. I just couldn't get back to being 100% committed no matter had hard I tried. The scale was being too nice and I was able to get away with eating foods I would NEVER have eaten this time last year. It's a total mindfuck. I've been depriving myself for so long, so I almost feel like I was testing my body to see what I could get away with.

I'm over that now. In fact, I need a body detox. I've eaten so much junk in the past few weeks that it's just disgusting. I live alone too so it's gross when I see an empty cereal box and know that it was me and only me who had eaten every last bit of that cereal. I hate that feeling.

This weekend I took baby steps. I worked out every day. But I also ate bad foods. So tomorrow I will start a mini self-challenge. ZERO junk food for one week. I'll stick to veggies, fruits, lean proteins, soups... all whole foods basically for the week. Then I'll try and go another week, and another, until it becomes a habit again. I was once a health nut. I wouldn't eat any chips or candy or take out foods. But lately I have been and I'm not proud of it. The one good (but also bad) thing about it all is that my weight has been more or less stable these past few weeks. Why, I don't know? Your guess is as good as mine.

gym & scales

It's taking me some time to get back on track. I haven't been to the gym in days due to my chaotic work/school schedule. I don't know what my deal is but I need to get my act together ASAP. It's just completely unacceptable. Things (exams, group projects, happy hour, bad weather) have been popping up and I've been using it as an excuse in a way to skip the gym. It's Friday today and I wanted to go to the gym after work but I'm completely wiped out and I have to shower and meet my friend for dinner. So if I went I'd basically get ZERO time to just chill before dinner. I probably should have gone anyway since I haven't been in so long, but I played the scale game: "If I'm over XXXlbs then I'll workout, if I'm under XXXlbs then I'll hang out." And it turns out I was -3lbs below that number. Which brings me to...

WTF SCALE?! I mean, I know I always give you shit. If you give me too high of a number I get upset and can't concentrate on anything for the rest of the day except losing weight. And if you give me a lower than expected number I get mad at you because I feel like you're giving me a false sense of security, which messes with my head and makes me think I can eat like a normal person when really I can't.

It's been really confusing, this scale nonsense. I've been hoovering around this weight... losing a bit some days, gaining a bit others.. but staying relatively range bound. The interesting part is that I'm not even on my A game right now. I'm not going to the gym as much as I used to (I was going practically every day before I started school!) and I've been eating way more "junk food" then I was a year ago. But a year ago, my weight would REALLY fluctuate. I was also on one extreme or the other. Restricting/over-exercising and then gorging myself. These days I'm just way too busy. I don't workout, but I also don't gorge myself. I restrict moderately, which I guess has been good for me.

I have a long three-day weekend and I plan to set some hard goals for myself. I need to figure out a really good gym schedule. I'll be honest, I haven't been to the gym ONCE in the month of October. I get charged on the 1st of every month for my membership, so the fact that I haven't used it yet makes me really stressed out (I get stressed out over money easily).

back to black

I took a break for a while. I needed it, for both psychologically and physiologically reasons. I also just needed to relax for a while since I was so stressed about everything going on in my life. I did lose a bit of progress, but the scale has been going down the past two days. Regardless, I’m feeling fat and tubby. I took a (much needed) break from the gym, which is also contributing to this feeling of flabby-ness. It’s nice to be thin during the summer, but it’s even better to feel thin during the fall and winter when you’re wearing all those layers. I also think I look better in skirts and dresses than I do in pants and jeans, which is another reason why I need to be thinner.

My motivation isn’t quite there yet. As expected, the caffeine isn’t haven’t the same effect as it used to. The adrenaline from starting school again has also worn off. This has left me feeling mostly tired and lazy… which I sometimes interpret as being hungry. You’d think I’d be better at all of this given the fact that I’m somewhat AWARE of these things, but nope. I’m still hovering around the weight I’ve been hovering around the past few months.

I need to design my plan more methodically and COMMIT to it. My biggest issue has been making time for the gym. I used to be so good about going every day, but now life is a whole lot busier with school and making time for friends/family, etc. I had a goal hitting the gym 5 days per week (no gym on school days), but that quickly dwindled to 4 days, then 3 days, then 2, etc. So I need to figure something out that will work for me.

Today I will stay under 800 calories or so. No gym because I have class tonight.