wtf

What is wrong with me?! I've never been like this before. I'm out of control, in the relative sense. I lack complete control over my eating habits. I know I've said this before, but I used to be SO, SO, SO disciplined with my eating. Food turned me off and I would only eat super clean, super healthy foods with minimal carbs and minimal fats. I didn't eat much in front of others and having people around really helped to keep my eating in check for that reason. I'm just starting to understand this in retrospect. The past few days have been mixed. I start out really good but then I just get so hungry and can't stop snacking after dinner. Also, the scale hasn't done much this week which is what's REALLY bothering me. I hate that thing and the power it has over me. I NEED to weigh myself every morning and if I see a number I'm not OK with, it ruins my day.

I need to get my shit together because I feel fat and sad about this. I've had several false starts since the New Year. I don't know what it's going to take to get me back on track. Granted, I'm still maintaining BUT I'm higher than I was during the Christmas holidays and I know that if I don't do something drastic now then this can really get out of control. Do Not Want.

I don't know what to do anymore. Over the past few weeks I've been stocking my kitchen with very healthy foods like apples, carrots, hummus, but then I "binge" on the hummus and eat the tub without a couple of days. It's horrible. I think I need to keep my fridge and kitchen cabinets bare for now. I'm also going to try to post daily with my calorie intake and workouts, etc. I hate this.