update

I haven't updated in a while. Things have been fairly inconsistent for me as of late. One day I'm hardcore restricting and exercising and the next I'm raiding my local grocery store for snacks and candy. I'm trapped in a horrible cycle and I've been too ashamed to write about it. I heavily restrict for a period of time and reach a weight that gives me a sense of entitlement to eat "normally" or cheat. And so I do. I sit at home alone and secretly eat a whole bag of chex mix (~500 calories) or something of that nature. It isn't horribly bad, but it's way more calories than I need to be consuming. And it's complete junk that I don't need to be ingesting.

I don't know what to do at times. I swear, I used to have so much willpower. When all the eyes are on me or when I'm in the spotlight or under surveillance that I can adhere like no other. But the minute I'm left to my own devices and I'm on my own, I "binge". I don't think I've ever eaten more than 3,000 calories in one day, but I've eaten more than 1,000 in one sitting. It's sickening to think about.

I just want to be skinny. And thin. And fit. I want the confidence that comes along with a low bf%, a low weight. I want that feeling of slight superiority. Of feeling like I'm worth something. Of feeling like I have something to bring to the table. I want that feeling back. That feeling of control. That feeling of empowerment.

By the way, I am drunk. I've been replacing food calories with alcohol calories.