my story, sort of

I'm a late bloomer. A late bloomer when it comes to everything, including this. I was first aware of my body and my weight and my need to get smaller after I graduated from college. Before that, competitive sports kept me busy and in tip top shape. After the 2+ hour practices 5-6 days/week and 60 minute games 1-2 days/week ended and I began my first ever office job I became obsessed with my body and my weight. I had a fear that my muscle would turn into fat as I sat on my butt in front of a computer and behind the wheel of my car all day long. I was living with my parents to save money and the lack of control over my time and my meals and my overall life intensified my personal obsession with my body. All day I researched diets and nutrition and weight loss methods. My days revolved around working, going to to the gym, eating dinner, taking a shower, going to bed. I was isolated living in the suburbs with my parents.

I didn't own a scale when I started this all but within a matter of months I became leaner than I have ever been. I ate low-carb for the first time and dropped weight without even trying. At the gym, I focused on cardio including a treadmill workout I read in a magazine called High Intensity Interval Training where I would sprint for 30-40 seconds then jog for 45-60 seconds and repeat until I couldn't do it any longer. I was already in good shape but I kept getting smaller and leaner (I was definitely burning fat along with muscle at this point) and people would make comments/compliment me but I felt so uncomfortable about it. I didn't want to attract attention and I didn't want people to notice for some reason. I became scared to eat. I would shun chips, chocolates, snacks, breads, rice for fear of gaining back any of the weight I lost. It was hard work and often times I felt lonely and sad, but seeing my body get smaller and smaller kept me going. I would sit in my room alone at night and take pictures of my body and save them in a folder on my laptop so I could compare one week to the next.

That all started about four years ago. Tonight I found that lost folder of pictures and I want NOTHING MORE than to get back to that. I feel old and worn out now. Fat and flabby. I want to get back to toned and fit and small and strong and motivated. I want to be able to resist carbs and treats without a problem. I want that willpower. That motivation. That drive. I want to get back there so bad. That is my New Year's resolution. I know what worked to get there. I have the blueprint. Now I just need the willpower and the motivation.