Tuesday, August 9, 2011

good start & trigger

Down -3lbs from yesterday. Water weight, I’m sure, but it’s still really motivating to see the scale go down! I stuck to my plan yesterday and I plan to do the same today. I ate my breakfast this morning and have planned out my meals for the rest of the day. All in all, I should be at 900 cals by the end of the day. My workout was great yesterday. I did: arms/chest/back/shoulders, 10mins of sprints/jogging, and 40mins of elliptical. Today I’m going back to the gym and doing 20-30mins of sprints/jogging and 30-40mins of elliptical. I’m going to try to get 8 hours of sleep tonight too. My body is really tired today and I’m not sure if it is because of the lack of food or lack of sleep or both. Either way, I’m going to do my best to hit the sack early tonight and pay very close attention to my body. I don’t want to continue that cycle of restrict/overeat. I have a dinner date tomorrow night so that will break up my restrictive eating plan. I’m not going to overeat or anything (I plan to order a salad or fish/veggies), but I think it will give me a good (plan and mental) break mid-week.

I recently realized that one of my really big triggers is my friend M. She gets involved with really questionably guys and stays in relationships with them even though she would rather not be with them. In other words, she can’t be alone. I, on the other hand, have always been alone. Since I’ve known her I have never had a serious long-term boyfriend only hookups and on/off guys in my life. I have my own issues (can’t commit, can’t connect, scared of intimacy, etc) that I know I need to work out. But it really bothers me that she hops from guy to guy. She was in a long-term relationship with a guy who was OK but I would never date him. He was arrogant and not that great looking, but he liked her and cared about her. They almost got married even though she wasn’t head over heels for him, but they broke up before that happened. Weeks later she hopped into a “relationship” with another guy. She slept with him within a day or two before even going on a date. (I could never do that!) She liked him a lot and stayed with him for a year even though he was sleeping with other girls. (Once again, I could never be with someone if they were sleeping with other people and I knew about it!). Recently she met another guy through a mutual friend. She told me 2-3 times that she doesn’t know how she feels about him… that he isn’t really her type... and that he says questionable things etc. She asked me what she should do and I said just have fun with it and go out! So she did…she’s gone on 3 dates with him in the past 5 days. I don’t know why this bothers me. I guess maybe I’m just really upset that she can just dive into these relationships yet I can’t. I’ve had guys peruse me but I haven’t been interested in them so I don’t let it go anywhere. I want to be loved though. I want someone to love me, to care about me, to think about me when we’re apart. I’m always alone. I wake up alone, commute to work alone, workout alone, cook dinner alone, go to bed alone. Wow, I sound pathetic. Anyway, my friend M is weird about details because she nonchalantly mentions going on these dates a day or two after they happen and doesn’t go into details. Whereas when I meet or go out with a guy (or crush on H) I give her so many details and play-by-plays.

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