numb

I've been writing blogger posts and then deleting them because I don't feel like they are worth posting. I don't know what's going on with me, but I just feel sad lately. Sad and numb. I'm so tired. Tired of trying. I did fine with my diet and workout plan this week, although I had an graduate school orientation event on Wednesday and a happy hour last night that interfered with my plan. But I feel so blah and indifferent about it all right now. I feel spiritless, like a walking zombie. I want to cry, but I'm too tired to even do that. I feel lost, like I don't know what I'm doing here.

I went out to happy hour with friends last night. M was there with the new boy she's been dating. I realized she is a huge trigger for me. I think that's why I feel the way I do today. She so easily falls in love with boys and they were being really cute last night. He kept kissing her on the head and rubbing her back. I couldn't help but feel jealous. I don't know why I can't have that in my life. I'm so awkward with guys and dating. I don't even know HOW you get from date #1 to kisses on your head and holding hands and having him rub your lower back. I just don't know. Dating scares me so much because I just don't know how to interact with potential boyfriends. I'm 26 and I've never had a serious boyfriend. As I was falling asleep last night was thinking about how I could never picture myself as being that girl that's out in public being affectionate with the guy she's dating. It makes me so sad. I don't want to be alone forever. I started being ridiculous and thinking about how I don't even want to live past 30 if I'm just going to be single my whole life.

I apologize about the depressing tone of all of this. I just don't know what to do. I can't talk to anyone about any of this. I just want love. I just want to be loved...