defeat

It’s only Tuesday, but my week so far isn’t going very well. I don’t know if it’s the stress from work/school/life that’s getting to me or if it’s my diet or my sleep schedule or these supplements or what, but I just don’t feel all that great. I didn’t have the best eating day yesterday and my weight was up 0.6lbs this morning, which is really upsetting me right now. Yesterday started out OK. I only ate a 100-calorie veggie salad from the time I woke up at 7:15am until the time I got home at 6pm. I hit the gym after work and did 45mins of the elliptical and then 20mins of weights and abs. Then I got home and it all seemed to go downhill from there. I ate more snacks that I had planned to (I think because I didn’t really get to over the weekend) and had 1.5 glasses of wine from a bottle that I opened this weekend. I didn’t even crave wine, but I didn’t want it to go bad (I don’t know how long red wine lasts?). Anyway, I ate: grilled chicken (150), corn (70), two fudgesicles (80), fiber one bar (140), fiber one brownie (90), popcorn (100), cheese (100?), wine (??). I’m not sure how many calories were in the wine, but I’m guessing I was still under 1000 cals for the day. I woke up this morning feeling bloated and knew the scale was going to be up. I just knew it. So I really shouldn’t have been all that surprised when I saw the +0.6lbs. It’s my own fault. But I’m still upset and I feel defeated. Like, if I’m not maintaining or losing weight each day then I’m not winning at this. And if I’m not winning, then I don’t want to play. And that that’s not a good way to go about this because when I feel like giving up I usually just want to go home and stuff my face because I just don’t care anymore. It’s a self-fulfilling prophesy. So I just need to refocus and get back on my game plan.

Today my goal is to limit my snacks and have no wine with dinner. So: no breakfast, salad for lunch (150), leftover chicken and corn for dinner (220), soup (100), fiber one brownie (90), fudgesicle (40). I will hit the gym and do 45mins of the hard elliptical-type looking machine and then 20-30mins of spiriting/jogging on the treadmill. I will also try my best to get to bed early. Last night I was really tired and was able to get 7.5 hours of sleep, which is pretty good for me these days.

Sometimes I don’t know if I’ll ever get small. It takes SO MUCH WORK for me to lose, and even then I can’t get that low. My lowest weight over the past five years or so has been about 113lbs and I’m 5’4”. I want to look like Mila Kunis in Black Swan. (I could never look like Natalie because my bone structure isn’t that small). I need to refocus and stay on track. I just need to.