word vomit

I have so my thoughts racing through my head. All day long, so many thoughts about life but mostly body image/weight. I'm so annoyed with myself and the lack of progress I've made and where I currently am. I've been doing this for months now, but I have't been consistent which means I haven't made much progress. It's July 4th weekend and I'm alone. I am always alone. I was invited to go out to the beach, but I declined the invite because I didn't want to be seen in public wearing a bathing suit. How sad. I'm not obese by any means, but I'm not comfortable with where I am. And so I'd rather suffer alone then go out to the beach where I'll inevitably see old friends and people from high school that I haven't seen in years. I hate that I do this and that I feel this way. But I don't want people to see me like this. I know I can look better. I know I can.

I want to make a beach day date with some friends so that (1) I can set a hard deadline for myself to get thin and fit and (2) so I can enjoy summer like a normal person. I'm still about 123 lbs right now. I'm at my parents' house so I have to wait till I get home on Tuesday to properly weigh myself. Tuesday night. I'm going out to a baseball game so my Plan will start on Wednesday. The plan is to eat 90% protein and then 10% carbs/fat. Maybe that's not accurate but basically I'm going go do a very high protein diet with little carbs from veggies only and little fat from the protein. Total cals will be around 500-800. I'll do cardio and weights every few days. I have done this twice before and I usually stick to the Plan for 10-12 days to jump start the weight loss, then I add in more carbs and fats so I don't go crazy I lost about 8lbs the first time I did it, then 5lbs the second time. So I'm hoping to have the same type of success. I want and need to get below 120lbs already.